Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Some more musings ... of a more DB-centric variety than my recent posts!

I've started re-reading DR. Felt like it was the right time, wanted to get more action oriented, etc. Struggling more than a little to refine my goals into small, action steps. When I first think, what are my goals for the M they are of the duh-no-kidding variety:

1. I want our M. to be committed and faithful

2. I want our M to be a partnership with a future

3. I want our M to feel satisfying (not constraining or hurtful) to both of us.

So...when I try to distill them down a bit..well, let's start with #1...

1. I would like M to be committed and faithful (long term touchy feely goal)

1a. I would like H to stop all contact with ow (if he hasnt') AND I would like to stop wondering/worrying if he is in contact. In other words, I would like to put ow and the a behind us. (still squishy)

1b. I would like to feel comfortable when h is on the computer.

1c. I would like to feel comfortable when I am not at home/with H

THESE STILL don't seem right!

OK

>> I would like to break the habit of feeling badly about myself -> feeling ow insecurity -> freaking out on myself or h

or more positively

>> I would like to get through the next BIG phase (the little ones come and go) of what I will now call "ow-funk" without freaking out on myself or h.

Things that work:
* not asking questions
* not ASSuming anything (call waiting clicks in, must be ow, etc)
* Keep busy/distracted when h is on computer
* don't set myself up -- don't call during "peak worry hours"
* recognize when I'm just feeling badly about myself for other reasons (work, family, etc) and know that that makes me vulnerable to ow-funk
* no mindreading
* remember that h is my friend, is on my side
* it helps when h tells me what he's doing on the computer (like comments on an article he's read, etc)
* it helps when h tells me details about his day

How can I encourage those behaviors?
* be interested and focused when h is talking with me
* listen
* be patient -- with him, with me, with babysteps
* don't ask questions (cannot be stated often enough)
* remember that things aren't always on my timetable
* be calm
* be forgiving
* be forthright
* take myself away from the sitch if I'm feeling really unsure -- go for a walk, movie, shopping, etc.

I will make a conscious effort to calm myself the next time I feel the major wave of insecurity w/o creating a crisis at home.

now...need to work on squishy goals 2 and 3

Sage