Just journalling from yesterday..

What went well:
1. H spent ALOT of time chopping up a tree in the backyard. He did an awesome job getting rid of the darned thing

2. We're talking about getting a new cat (well, actually 2 of them). It's weird because I had gone to a website yesterday ( www.petfinder.org ) but felt strange bringing it up to H -- was worried that he might feel it was too soon, disrespectful to Owen BUT it turns out that he actually DROVE to a shelter yesterday (well, tried to but got "lost" in a weird way) so we were both on the same page.

3. H called to thank me for some job links I had sent him.

What didn't go well...
1. well, I wouldn't actually say that this was BAD -- actually, it was probably info that I can USE but ...well...during the conversation about whether or not it was too soon to get another cat, I said something like "I just have this love to give...it needs to be given" and H said "and of course you can't give it to me". Hmmm. He didn't say it seriously really and I asked him if he didn't feel loved by me and he said he was just joking but...well...it seemed like an odd comment to make if there didn't feel like SOME element of truth to it, no?

For the past few months (6-8 weeks) I think I have backed off of loving H overtly -- maybe it's a cyclic thing but I thought I was doing it in response to him backing away from me!!!! He's been more distant (I think), has pretty much stopped initiating , got irked a few weeks ago when I initiated (got defensive), hasn't made a surprise plan or suggested champagne, or whatever. I thought he was backing off because something had happened...and I backed off to not pressure him (and probably to not completely humiliate myself). Anyway, I got the feedback that maybe he's not feeling completely loved...

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.