Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Okay, first, I cannot believe that my simple observation inspired such an amazing sharing of thought and emotion!

Well, you did! That's one of the things that I love about the board in general and my support system here in particular -- you guys help me to see stuff from another vantage point, encourage me to think or take action...

(Just an aside...was your mom bipolar? My aunt did the very same thing with my cousin in the house, knife an d all...later she "succeeded" in burning down the house with herself in it...so sad... )

I don't know...she was never diagnosed with anything other than a "nervous breakdown" after the D. She never showed any "highs" but sure did show a lot of "lows" -- she'd withdraw to her room for days on end when we were kids, interspersed with "rages", interspersed with what I guess were normal even keel times. She's still unpleasant for me to deal with though I'm never exposed to any "rages" now -- mostly the silent treatment or some passive agressive BS. I found out about 8 months ago that SHE is the ow now to some guy she's known for like 50 years...we had a big fight about it and I've distanced myself from her as a result.

I am just so in awe of your self awareness. It must be frustrating, however, to have this self awareness, to keep fitting in the pieces, and still have current feelings/behaviours that are affected by them!

Thanks for the kind words. It's STRANGE to be able to see what's going on so clearly (eventually) but when I'm immersed in it, well, it has seemed impossible for me to distill what's reality and what's not.

I've been listening to "Emotional Alchemy" in my car and that seems to be helping a lot. Over the last 3-4 days I've noticed 2 times when something ELSE has led me to question h and his love for me. I haven't QUITE been able to do it quickly enough to stop the train...but I'm getting better.

One of the things that I'm struggling with as a result is how much of the wringer I've put H through -- I learned so many crappy behaviors re. M from M & D and I think I've really hurt him. I'll repeat a thousand times that I don't think that excuses AT ALL his a but I can understand how lost and hurt he must have felt. (I'll also comment that I realize I'm 100% responsible for MY behavior and that he's 100% responsible for his!)

The Cognitive and Humanistic views (espoused by most of our self-help tomes) focus more on the NOW, and how to consciously loosen the hold of the past.

Yah, this is where I'm focused, too. The leading questions I read here and the occasional prod from my C are helpful in getting me started thinking; I do an ok job getting to the next level of what's going "ON"....what I need help on is how to break the patterns. Working on it....

Wait a second..... ...can you tell I've been teaching 3 hours of "Abnormal Psychology" a day for over a week?

You should write a book, hun.
Ever consider a career in Psychology?

Maybe I WILL write a book I'll make it fiction, though. And, I did consider a career in Psychology at one time...my then-C told me she thought I'd stink at it (maybe she was just jealous!)

Thanks again, SB. For the initial question (and support) and your insightful followup.

Sage