New and alone

[addie]

The WAS believes that the LBS can never change and therefore there is no point to working on the R. I heard this from H as well.


I've gone into R talks several times. It's very difficult to bite my tongue but I know it must be done. I think it gets easier as you continue to detach more - I know it has for me. You've only been separated about 3 weeks. Give it some more time.

[JenInVen]

Yes I think that's true. I guess they think differently when we do or at least I hope they do! H is telling me to do the changes for me and D not for him. Think he's read the book?? haha


The R talk should be called the dark hole talk because I feel lost in one everytime.

Jen

[JenInVen]

I wish he'd stay after D is put to bed but as soon as she's in bed he's putting on his shoes and bolting. I said to him tonight "goodnight see you tomorrow" Not much else to say.

I guess at least he's speaking to me and was actually here for almost 3 hours tonight. It just seems that he's not really here you know. Like there's something else he'd rather be doing or somewhere else he'd rather be.

I know its only been a couple of weeks and he's present in my life everyday since we have a child together and we share a company. I guess I need to take avantage of him being around by showing him I have goals and options too.

He went off and GAL without me for the past 6 months and that is what hurt the most but whenever I tried to tell him he pulled farther away. He tells me I need to be more independent and I know he's right. It's just so hard to do.

I don't know really what to do. What did you guys do at the very beginning? Maybe I could set 2 or 3 simple goals per week. I haven't an idea of where to really begin.

I'm trying not to think the worst and I'm trying not to persue but wow is it ever hard not to.

[addie]

My H was doing the same thing - right after S would go to bed he would leave. Tonight he actually stayed longer but was very distant. He kept following me around like he wanted to say something to me but couldn't get the words out. It was very awkward - a lot of silence.

As far as goals, from the beginning I set GAL goals for myself. Do you have any hobbies, do you do anything for yourself? Some of my other goals were to detach, not initiate contact, be pleasant around H, not bring up R talks. When your H is over with D, maybe you can go out for a walk, go to the library for a while, go visit a mall, etc. He doesn't always need to know where you're going. Be a little mysterious at times. Also, do things with your daughter, take her places and casually mention it to H when you talk. This way H will see you're becoming more independent.

[stella_k]

For me the hardest part was letting go of our night cup conversations. I just didn't know what to do instead. Here are tthree things that worked for me.
The best one was knitting. I was never very good at that, but I picked a couple of magazins and with a help of a friend was able to create my very first sweaterpretty soon.
I find knitting very peaceful and comforting and it's addictive too. You can make lovely things for your 6years old (say, start with a sweater for her Teddy), which will keep her happy and you busy.

Then I would take our dog and go on a long walk.

And then gym, of course. I went and bought the most expensive membership, the one I always wanted but always thought I can't afford it. It is so good that instead of my regular 3 hours per week I spend now 6 and more working out. It is also a great place to meet people.

It must be awfully hard to GAL with a H in the house. I didn't want my H to leave this
Xmas (he was with us for 3 weeks) but It was liberating when he was finally gone... I fouind it so hard not to cry in front of him...

((((((((Hold on, Jen)))))))))

[JenInVen]

Stella and Addie thanks for being here and listening to me. Thanks especially for the advice.

Stella, wow! knitting! I'm so envious because I'm a total clutz with anything artsy.

I am still questioning him and thats not fair. Today he got upset with me when he woke up (he spent night on the sofa)for asking too many questions. He said "I don't like this line of questioning...how can I even consider coming back if you don't trust me?" I have no reason not to believe him about any A. I know he was a little too close to a client but that was over before it even went anywhere. I do trust him but I know I need to show him I do. Gosh it's so hard for me to bite my tongue (cursed Aries traits!)

Yes I do need to find something that I enjoy doing. Might sign up for Yoga since thats always been an interest. And will definitely go out when H is here.

Thanks!!

Jen

[addie]

Jen,
It's a good sign H spent the night there. It's extremely difficult to avoid questioning/ pursuing behaviour when he's right there.
I find I have to really psych myself up for it beforehand. There's a list of Do's and Dont's on these threads from DR. I've printed up a copy for myself, have read and reread that list over and over. Of course, I've had my backslides but I try to get right back on track. It does get easier to do as you detach.

Yoga is great. Another thing I've done is a lot more cooking and baking. I've tried out new recipes which H usually ends up having when he comes over.
If you go out when H is over, be a little mysterious at times and when you get back be upbeat. I know that always gets my H thinking.

[JenInVen]

Hi Addie

Yes it's great that he spent the night even if it was on the sofa. I have read the dos and don't many times also and have tried to remember and practice them. I also found this thread from 2006. It's great and gives me a lot of hope.

I think baking is a great idea. H and D love desserts, especially chocolate

[addie]

Wow Jen, great thread, thanks!!!

I've tried a lot of new recipes lately. H also likes to cook/bake so I usually make something new when I know he's coming by. I usually just leave it on the stovetop so he can see it and sometimes he's helped himself to whatever is there when I'm not home.

I love chocolate too. Yesterday I made a fabulous chocolate mousse which H had and really enjoyed. If you normally don't do much baking, that's a 180 you can try. Make a point of eating it when H is over and casually offer him some. Just an idea.

[JenInVen]

I bookmarked it last week and still haven't read it all.

You gonna send me that recipe or do I have to beg for it??

Jen