So much of what you’ve just talked about, speaks for me as well.
You raise very good questions and make valid points.
I believe that as we work on ourselves, we are actually working on at least two people simultaneously. There is the adult version, the person who has had to learn to cope with many difficulties and try to be a rational being.
Then there is the injured child aspect of ourselves that resides deep within our psyche and cannot be reached through ration thought. It is nearly all primal in it’s needs, and feeling based in it’s nature.
We try to reach into ourselves with our adult perspective, our rationality, and then fail to find comfort within, because in essence, we are not speaking that child’s language.
Part of the function of a healthy marriage is to help each other draw as many of the left behind parts of our inner being, into the present. Lacking this advantage that a truly “healthy” marriage can provide, we end up putting the bulk of the work heavily on to our own shoulders.
It is my opinion that we ought to be a little more gentle with ourselves or we risk frightening that inner child even more. Sometimes we need to be our own “good” mom and dad.
Often, beyond our conscious knowledge, we are attracted to certain people for powerful reasons that reach past their sexual appeal and charm.
When the time comes that you feel that you can safely talk to your H in a relationship context, do you think that you could tell him about your "need"? (I have confidence in your ability to frame this discussion in an "unneedy manner"). You might even start by asking him what you can do to make him more comfortable within.
Perhaps this goes against other people’s beliefs, but I reason that as marital mates, we do have the power to heal one another’s inner children. Marriage isn't about "every man for himself" afterall. It's about supportive interaction and giving safe harbor to each other. Unfortunately, most of us our going about this marriage thing in a rather slip and slide manner.
We’re like a maternity ward full of wailing babies. I am one of the loudest!
