Make things better by looking ahead....

[Umbrella24]

I noticed myself not being patient when h was telling me his feelings about owen -- not in an "impatient -- get it out" kind of way but more like I was so excited that he was TELLING me how he was FEELING that I talked more than I should have....I need to slow down and let him tell me his stuff at his own pace

This is good you realized it. I remember way back when you first started that this was an issue, not being a good listener. So there's still room for improvement. Sigh, first my little girl is growing up, now Sage. Have I mentioned I'm feeling really old today?

Thanks for knocking me back in step. I think my W's tiny baby steps really threw me off. First positive thing in a couple of months or so, and I'm feeling a little spooked by it. Weird, isn't it?

And finally, as long as I'm rambling, I'll give you a little bowling story. Last week was the roll-off in our league. One of the guys bowled his first 300 game, not only to get the 300, but their team won the championship by 12 pins! Talk about clutch. It was pretty exciting, at least to a bowling geek.

As for DBing the Red Sox, sometimes you've just gotta accept that no matter how hard they try, they're always going to break your heart. Hey, at least the Pats won recently.

[sage]

Sage, you continue to show such marvelous insight, please give yourself a break! How can you be the "unchosen" when he's chosen to be with YOU????
Shiny

SB -- You've asked the million dollar question...I drove home on Friday, radio off, no distractions, just contemplating what you asked.

WARNING: what follows is a purely analytical, non-action oriented, treatise on part of what makes Sage tick. It will be melodramatic, it will be self-indulgent (well, my self, not yours). It may even be boring! You won't miss a thing by skipping merrily along to the next post!

********************
So -- what's all this "unchosen" stuff about? Why do I feel unchosen when he is choosing to be with me? Here's the stream of consciousness that I wrote down as I was contemplating this...

When it came down to it, H chose easing of his own pain over protecting me. He chose meeting his wants and his needs over me and my safety. What am I referring to? well, the a of course ... h is in pain (of my creation? of his?) and ultimately turns to someone else to help ease that -- did he willfully ignore my pain? my safety? my needs?

Who else did this? well, Dad of course.

When I was in my teens, my parents separated after a VERY stormy M. My mother completely freaked out after D left -- she really became extremely unstable -- did crazy stuff -- we'd be driving in the car and she'd be full of rage at someone or something and she'd scream "I should just drive this car into the next tree and put us all out of our misery" -- yah, not the kind of thing you want to hear when you're NOT in control of the vehicle.

One night, mom got a knife and kept me and my younger sister "hostage" threatening to stab us both and then herself. She ranted and raved for what seemed like hours but was probably only an hour. She threatened to kill us, she threatened to kill herself. We stood, backs up against the wall, while she lost it in front of us. I finally made it to the phone and called my father -- his response "what do you want me to do about it? call her therapist." -- um, dad? I want you to tear your sorry A$$ away from ow and her kids and get over here and protect me!

He didn't. Mom eventually drove herself to the hospital where she spent the summer "recuperating".

Keep me safe. Protect me. Put me first. You can see where it all comes from.

A question -- it was reasonable to "expect" protection from my father -- is it reasonable to expect if from my H? Is it or is it not reasonable to expect him to NOT have an A? To protect me?

So...in part, the feeling of being "unchosen" is NOT so much about ow but about feeling as though H chose himself over me. When I really think about it, I'm confused about whether that is reasonable or unreasonable.

I thought that he would protect me. If easing his pain puts me in jeopardy? Couldn't he have just chosen to throw himself into his work instead????

Now, of course, when I obsess about his still being in contact with ow it IS about choosing her over me in my mind -- but maybe it still is about him choosing himself over me. blahblahblah.

so...so much of "it" makes more sense to me now -- the desire to be the "chosen" one -- to be the one selected. It occurred to me this AM that I probably could have "almost" as easily been the OW to someone -- then, of course, I'd be sitting in a therapists chair someplace whining "why won't he choose me over his wife?" BUT, there's an important element that would have prevented that -- it's critical that I be the "right" choice -- isn't a daughter the right choice over your new girlfriend? Isn't your wife the "right" choice over ow? Gotta be the "right" choice in the cosmic sense of the word -- THEN, have to be PERFECT at being the right one -- gotta be the perfect wife 'cause then the choice is obvious, no?

Ah, poor, poor me. Perhaps more seriously, poor, poor H. (in some ways) -- carrying the burden for every crappy, cruddy thing that has happened to Sage. 'course, it SUCKS bigtime that he did what he did, RIGHT??? Not gonna make an excuse for that now or ever.

I can see now why I've been waiting for the "words" -- what could be more healing that a shout it from the rooftops declaration -- I CHOOSE YOU! he said. You are CHOOSEABLE! Would that help? Would I be fixed then?

I don't actually know what to do with all of this...I realize that I have placed a huge burden on h (unfair, too) to make me feel whole and right and chosen. I realize that I've stripped away everything else, too, that could and should be part of me and my life -- a satisfying job, family, friends, etc and have stood in front of h and said, ok it's your job to make me feel good. A thousand times not fair.

Of course, there's a part of me that wonders if I haven't "chosen" someone who will end up being unable to chose me anyway -- in other words, while I think I have placed a large and unfair burden on h, I still believe that it's reasonable to expect my h to commit to me, to be faithful to me and our m. Maybe it's the scope of the expectation that made that impossible for him -- or, maybe I've chosen someone who won't be able to be faithful to me ever -- at all. That, of course, is another big old fear.

So...how do I know? Well, first things first, right? I gotta strip off the BS from the past and take that burden off h. Then I've got to pull off all the present crap -- gotta rebuild my life with work, friends, family. Not fair for him to shoulder all of that! Gotta fill up the "sage" hole, too -- that stuff that only comes from me. What'll be left is what's aok to expect from my spouse.

How to get there? take care of the past with mindfulness work -- get rid of all the cobwebs and crap. take care of the present with DB'ing -- rebuild my life, "choose" myself. Revel in the wonderful stuff that h does every day. Appreciate him, love him, choose him. Stop making him pay for everything that happened before him. Am I still making him pay for his A? gotta figure that out.

****************
Have you made it this far? Jeez! I don't even have anything to offer up as a reward! Just thanks, I guess!

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Thank you for the book recommendation on my post!

I have been reading your thread for some time now as some of the emotional stuff you deal with seems to hit me right on but you are so good at listing it out and making a plan to deal with it I love reading your posts!

Wow! I thought some of my childhood garbage was rough. I think for everything you have had to deal with, that from reading your posts you have done a remarkable job of recovering and at least know you need to continue working on it and that your H isn't responsible for your happiness and self esteem that only you can be. I didn't discover that untill counseling and finally my H filing for D has shown me that only I can make me happy.

PS I was following Caz's thread and even posted to her a few times. Do you hear from her at all? Could you give her my e-mail address if you do? [e-mail] I would love to hear what is going on with her now. Hopefully good news!

[Jeannine]

Sage,

So much of what you’ve just talked about, speaks for me as well.

You raise very good questions and make valid points.

I believe that as we work on ourselves, we are actually working on at least two people simultaneously. There is the adult version, the person who has had to learn to cope with many difficulties and try to be a rational being.

Then there is the injured child aspect of ourselves that resides deep within our psyche and cannot be reached through ration thought. It is nearly all primal in it’s needs, and feeling based in it’s nature.

We try to reach into ourselves with our adult perspective, our rationality, and then fail to find comfort within, because in essence, we are not speaking that child’s language.

Part of the function of a healthy marriage is to help each other draw as many of the left behind parts of our inner being, into the present. Lacking this advantage that a truly “healthy” marriage can provide, we end up putting the bulk of the work heavily on to our own shoulders.

It is my opinion that we ought to be a little more gentle with ourselves or we risk frightening that inner child even more. Sometimes we need to be our own “good” mom and dad.

Often, beyond our conscious knowledge, we are attracted to certain people for powerful reasons that reach past their sexual appeal and charm.

When the time comes that you feel that you can safely talk to your H in a relationship context, do you think that you could tell him about your "need"? (I have confidence in your ability to frame this discussion in an "unneedy manner"). You might even start by asking him what you can do to make him more comfortable within.

Perhaps this goes against other people’s beliefs, but I reason that as marital mates, we do have the power to heal one another’s inner children. Marriage isn't about "every man for himself" afterall. It's about supportive interaction and giving safe harbor to each other. Unfortunately, most of us our going about this marriage thing in a rather slip and slide manner.

We’re like a maternity ward full of wailing babies.
I am one of the loudest!

Be sweet, be patient, with you, Sage.

Jeannine

[lostlove]

Have you made it this far? Jeez! I don't even have anything to offer up as a reward! Just thanks, I guess!

it's always a pleasure to read your stuff..

lot's of stuff there...

you are right...sage has sage stuff that sage must deal with on her own...cause after all it is sage's stuff. h can be there as somewhat of a support etc...but it is not his responsibility to make up for things that he didn't do.

then we have the things he did do...well we have to step back and realize that yes what he did do hurts...but how much of the pain is a direct result of his doing and how much of it is still tied to the old sage stuff?? again can't make h responsible for things he didn't do.

it's hard to do..but we must seperate our past from our future..we must get past the woes of our upbringing and break free from it..realize that was then this is now..we are in control of the car and we don't have to stay in the house and cry out for dad to help..we are the adults now..

but then we are left with what our h's have done??

will they do it again??

have they choosen us?? really chosen us??

I keep thinking that if I didn't have children and h came back then I'd know it was me he chose, but I see so many who don't have children and still feel unchosen...

sage there have been many signs that h is choosing you...he may not be yelling it from the roof tops but he is showing you he's choosing YOU!! and after all why wouldn't he??? you certainly are choosable!!

LL

[sage]

Question: When you realize that you've lapsed into "pre-DB'ing bad behavior" do you apologize to your S or just get back on the horse?

Last week I realized too little too late that I had run over H's trying to tell me his feelings..

Today I realized that I did something that I don't think I've done in quite a while: ask him what he wanted to do tonight BEFORE telling him that I had a plan/some errands that I had to run. It smacked of the controlling/withholding info that I used to do all the time. I think I did it today because I was hoping that he'd be excited about being with me/making a plan. Turns out that he DIDN'T have a plan so I just jumped in with my own. Ugh. not sure I'm making any sense.

Sage

[sage]

Thank you for the book recommendation on my post!

No problem! Thanks for coming by to visit AND for the kind words.

I didn't discover that untill counseling and finally my H filing for D has shown me that only I can make me happy.

I've always been interested in self-assessment/improvement but it took the BOMB and H's a to really get myself to look critically at my behavior in our M.

PS I was following Caz's thread and even posted to her a few times. Do you hear from her at all? Could you give her my e-mail address if you do? [e-mail] I would love to hear what is going on with her now. Hopefully good news!

I'm hoping that Caz is silently watching and knows how much we miss her! I haven't heard from her at my email address but will certainly let her know that you'd like to hear from her if I do!

Sage

[sage]

I believe that as we work on ourselves, we are actually working on at least two people simultaneously. There is the adult version, the person who has had to learn to cope with many difficulties and try to be a rational being.

Then there is the injured child aspect of ourselves that resides deep within our psyche and cannot be reached through ration thought. It is nearly all primal in it’s needs, and feeling based in it’s nature.

Jeannine -- I definitely agree with this! It has astonished me how definitively I can trace hurts and emotions that I'm feeling in present day with old crud. I'm truly NOT trying to pass the buck or wallow in anything -- if anything, I'm trying to scrub the present by recognizing that so much of the intensity that I feel is about unchangeable stuff from eons ago.

When the time comes that you feel that you can safely talk to your H in a relationship context, do you think that you could tell him about your "need"? (I have confidence in your ability to frame this discussion in an "unneedy manner"). You might even start by asking him what you can do to make him more comfortable within.

Well -- I hope I can live up to your confidence! You know from previous posts that I struggle with talking with h about my needs in a way that doesn't convey neediness or judgement or just simply raise the hairs on the back of his neck! I MUST acknowledge that H was really wonderful this weekend while I was flailing about a bit emotionally -- he wasn't instantaneously "there" when I was being overly emotional but he definitely rebounded in RECORD time and asked ME for hugs, comforted me, etc. This is BIG.

What is up with your sitch? Still keeping a low profile re. posting, huh? Well, when you're ready....

Sage

[sage]

LL!!! Welcome back!

I keep thinking that if I didn't have children and h came back then I'd know it was me he chose, but I see so many who don't have children and still feel unchosen...

It's funny how this happens, isn't it? What we tell ourselves about our sitch and how "if only" then it'd feel different -- then we look over there and the people right in the middle of it aren't feeling as good as we think we'd feel!

sage there have been many signs that h is choosing you...he may not be yelling it from the roof tops but he is showing you he's choosing YOU!! and after all why wouldn't he??? you certainly are choosable!!

I know. H is trying so hard and has done SO many things -- made so many changes -- brought so much back into our M. I need to take a chill pill Thanks for reminding me to see everything that he's doing!

Sage

[shinybear]

Dammit Girl!! It's CSI finale time....gotta wait til afterr

Shiny

Okay I guess that would have made more sense had I sent it from the preview an hour ago.

Post first, then read the rest of the messages...

Shiny