The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

So last night was MC, and the session ended up being 90-minutes long. We were the last appointment of the evening, and we were into deep territory, so I guess our MC decided to just let us go on.

I yelled at H. Not like I ever did in the past; not mean, not as manipulation or punishment, but in passion/frustration/listentomewhydon'tyou style.

I see it as a victory. Why? Because I've been holding back, being less than fully me. I've played this role of always understanding, always patient, always waiting for H to step it up. I've avoided conflict and intense emotion like this...always thinking in the back of my head that if I yelled or got REALLY upset with/in front of him, he'd assume it was more of the same. H doesn't feel comfortable with anger AT ALL...has labeled it "bad"...but it's real and it's okay to feel it and express it. It's all in how that's done.

Anyway, I see this as a victory because I finally felt comfortable enough with me, in love enough with me, perhaps trusting enough in H to just unleash the beast.

Essentially, H is pulling this "I'm trying to be Zen" thing with me and never expressing anything he wants or needs or is upset about. Sort of same H behavior, different day. The problem with this, kids, is that H tends to take that attitude then, when there's some outside stressor, goes to the mountaintop, thinks, and then there's a crisis. This is what he did in our M before that led to the big bomb. Never called me on anything, never asked for anything, just held on to resentment and anger until he met LW and decided we were through.

I yelled at him that I would not accept that again. I shouted and said I expected him to voice his needs and concerns as we went along because I WOULD NOT stand like I had before if he pulls this sh*t again. Told him I was through not asking for what I want or voicing my true feelings about anything. MC just watched and let it happen then asked H how he was feeling about it.

Me, I felt GOOD. Liberated. Gone are the d*mn eggshells.

That was good for our M and good for me. I have no regrets, and I know I didn't do anything wrong. Emotion is not wrong!

H, for his part, seems largely clueless. He's improving, but he's stuck and too afraid to risk anything...to risk being real and just putting it out there. Me, I've paid the cost of not speaking up or communicating, so I'm done with that. I'm not all the way there, but I pretty much don't avoid expressing my desires and feelings about most issues. In fact, I told him I didn't want to go to one of his co-worker's events last weekend because I didn't want to see LW. Put it right out there on the table, didn't care if he thought it was petty or weird or whatever. Because the thing is, I have to take care of ME first.

Still GAL these days. I've made some good friends, and I'm taking a class the next two evenings that will push me along my path even further. I'm a happy SD, no matter what happens with H. If he wants to choose the "I'm too enlightened to get angry/have wants and desires/get attached, then that's his business, not mine.

Hope you all are well. SD is BACK.

SD