Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Thank you, Karen! I agree, the communication between H and I seems to be getting much better and clearer. There's more caring and understanding happening. Still have a ways to go though.

More notes I want to put down:

* We were friends before, so why can't we be friends again? - Sometimes....the involved partner decides to stay in the M but also wants to stay friends with the A partner. What does that mean? Is the A over or is it just on hold? Are you trying out the M with the option of going back to your A partner? If the A is just put on hold, your S will remain suspicious. It is an unfortunate reality that someone who has crossed the line into a romantic sexual A can't go back to the previous state of platonic friendship.

* Apologies and promises alone are not enough to rebuild trust; reassurance comes only from observable change. If (x) has been lying for so long, just saying it's over could be another lie. How can (y) know if (x)'s telling the truth? Only time and devotion to (y) will convince (y). A truly remorseful S will come home earlier, be more attentive, make his/her partner feel more desirable, and be willing to put up a thick wall with the A partner. Only then will a betrayed S eventually be able to let go of his/her insecurity.

* (Good in case OW continues to call) Do not talk about your M with your A partner. - "I'm sorry, but it isn't appropriate for me to discuss that with you." Refusal to discuss your M tells your A partner where the boundaries are. You won't be tempted to portray the M in a negative light to protect the feelings of the A partner, who must understand that you now have a new commitment to the M. You enhance intimacy and rebuild the sense of "we-ness" in the M by confining personal information to your S.

* Volunteer before being asked. - Any contact you admit having with your A partner is a golden opportunity to gain trust points with your S.

* Be willing to prove you are trustworthy. - ....you might misperceive his/her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a security issue for your S. It isn't that your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust.

* Be accountable for your whereabouts. - It may feel as if you are curtailing your freedom, but what you are really doing is taking care of your partner's anxiety.

* It's not fair to create worry.

* Reverse walls and windows and establish safety. - Only when there is a sense of safety in the M can the damage be repaired.

* ...early decisions to stay or leave are not written in permanent ink. Even the person whose mind seems to be made up today can have a change of heart tomorrow....Nothing you say or hear this early in the game is set in stone.

* It's no wonder that people get tired and feel like giving up. When they are together, they remind each other of the pain. He looks into her eyes and sees his fallen image. She looks into his eyes and sees someone who lied to her. It feels unbearable to both of them.

* When a friendship slowly progresses after many months or even years into a full-fledged love A, the unfaithful partners will try to move backward across the timeline and maintain the friendship without the romantic attachment or sexual intimacy. Although this is an unrealistic goal, they are reluctant to put up walls in the A and can't help sliding the window open just a crack from time to time.

* Ambivalent partners will have great difficulty following the recommendation to cut off all contact with the A partner.

* ....walls and windows tell us how far the unfaithful partner has moved back into the M.

* Keep in mind that things are constantly fluctuating.

* If anything, involved partners tend to erect walls in both Rs in order to control the situation and keep it from blowing up before they have decided what they want to do.

* Both partners may demonstrate their ambivalence about working on the M by withdrawing, attacking, or failing to initiate caring actions or affectionate gestures. Refusal to appreciate or acknowledge positive actions by the other partner is another indication that commitment to working on the M is shaky.

Ambivalence in the Involved Partner

* (One sign) Lingering loyalty to the lover is shown by unwillingness to reveal details about the A. Emotional attachment to the lover is unmistakable when there is greater compassion for the distress of the A partner than for the injured S.

* Reasons. You could be afraid of making the wrong decision. It's frightening to think that what you decide now can set the course for the rest of your life. Or you may be paralyzed by the knowledge that one of the people you've attached to will be hurt and abandoned....To lose either individual is excruciating...

Making Comparisons

* ILYBINILWY

* Keep in mind that when you compare your A partner with your S, you are not really comparing two individuals. What you are comparing is how it feels to be in an idealized, romantic R with how it feels to be in a reality-based, long-term R.

* To look at it another way, the choice you are making could be between the part of you that wants excitement and the part of you that wants comfort and familiarity.

* ... struggling to choose between opposites....a SAHW who is warm and easygoing and a career-oriented GF who is ambitious and independent. Strangely enough, the traits you love in your A partner may be the exact opposite of the traits that originally attracted you to your S.

* Although the A partner might be "a nice place to visit", you might not want to "live there" permanently. Just remember that no R can meet all your needs. You can't have it all.

* The best solution, nonetheless, is to go cold turkey and stop the A, so that you and your betrayed partner can commit to discovering whether the M has a chance of surviving.


More again later. I'm liking that I'm getting these down here. If H does move back in, then I can put the book away (out of sight) and just come here to review when I need to.