What went well: 1. H was truly wonderful through all of the sadness re. Owen. He is really broken up too and it felt good to have him share his feelings with me.
2. H was very verbally and physically affectionate last night. We had a mellow night but he said quite a few loving things and held my hand almost the whole time!
3. This is a biggie! I mentioned that h got called into his old job (where ow is). He was done in record time and called me to see if I wanted to go out to lunch!!! How cool is that??? I'm so proud of him for how well he did the job and I'm delighted that he sought me out as a lunch date in lieu of the alternative!
What didn't go well:
1. I noticed myself not being patient when h was telling me his feelings about owen -- not in an "impatient -- get it out" kind of way but more like I was so excited that he was TELLING me how he was FEELING that I talked more than I should have....I need to slow down and let him tell me his stuff at his own pace
2. This was today not yesterday. I had a disagreement with my boss and was left feeling (rightly or wrongly) underappreciated, a bit pushed out of the way, a bit irked about his giant ego. I was feeling vulnerable and a bit sorry for myself. Got on phone with h (I think he called me) -- started feeling disconnected -- like I didn't know the right thing to say, how to be interesting, etc. Towards the end of the conversation, call waiting clicked in (I think) and he didn't mention it but we got off the phone anyway -- hung up thinking "oh that's probably ow" then started feeling left out, bummed, mad, unchosen, convinced that they are still in touch, etc.
So...why write all this babble down??? because, I've got to get rid of it. Because when I really think about it I realize that my response to h had little or nothing to do with him and what was going on with him and far more to do with how I was ALREADY feeling (inadequate, unskilled, etc). To make matters worse, I brought those negative feelings INTO our conversation which can only make things worse!!
Right now I'm trying to be mindful of what's going on when I start feeling negative. Eventual goal is to identify how to stop this cycle!
What helped a bit -- realizing that I didn't HAVE to DO anything about my ow fears -- didn't have to say anything to h, didn't have to behave a certain way -- just felt the fear and moved on. I don't ALWAYS have to respond to my FEELINGS!!!
Another thing that I've been thinking about lately (as long as Im babbling away here) is that I think I've done a crappy job at letting h love me -- at letting him be tender. I think that it is REALLY important to him (an ASSumption but I think a valid one) to be safe in being able to love someone. I don't think I've made it safe for him and then I get all tied up in insecurity and fear. anyway, not saying anything I haven't said before...just mulling over how difficult this can be.
I think I need to draft some new goals -- here are some quick (NON action oriented -- so bear with me) thoughts:
1. I will get through next phase of ow insecurity without "doing" something about it
2. I will get through next phase of feeling vulnerable and afraid w/o creating some crisis with h to push him away
3. I will slow down my talking and do MORE listening with h.
Wait, these aren't goals, are they? arrgh. I'm running out of brain power. will update more later.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
