MLC came to my house...

[Sandyof5]

Ok folks I've been lurking a loong time and I guess today is my day to finally post! I have kinda been "putting off" posting, as posting about my situation makes it true...KWIM? And I soo dont want it to be true..but alas it is and it's not going to go away..sigh...here I go...

Married almost 22 yrs. Been together 24. 3 amazing, strong daughters ages 20,16 and 13. My H was one of the best dads and husbands you could ask for. I truely went thru my days feeling blessed. He was a very involved dad, coached all his daughters in soccer ( played himself back in the day) a true "kid at heart". Very fun and involved in church and community. Just an all around GREAT guy. Our family was one to be "looked up to" . We had great vacations and traditions and just a great life. I was a stay at home mom from the get go and loved every minute of it. He worked hard and climbed the corperate ladder, while I held down the homefront. He started traveling and I would go when I could, and sometimes the whole family would go..we always made it fun. Over this past summer he traveled a lot more and would not seem to go out of his way to include me in his trips. But that was ok..I had enough to keep me busy at home and I understood his reasons..never a big deal. His mom died a slow death 18 months before and MY mom died only 10 months later..this was a HUGE blow to me as my mom and I were VERY close. I went into greiving and while I was "ok" I still missed my mom and would cry sometimes for her. I noticed H developing and "edge" to his personality over the summer when he was home. He had never had an edge before. He had a GOOD review( at work) not an EXCELLENT like he was counting on. He was soooo upset. Didnt sleep..would pace the floor at night. Couldnt seem to shake he "good" review. His edge became stronger. He started being critical of me, something he had NEVER done before. Id call him on it and tell him I thought he was working too much and getting cranky from it. He worked more. Was away more. My middle daughter was trying out for varsity soccer, he hardly seemed to notice and was totally into his work. All his hobbies went to the way side. I see this unfolding in front of my eyes and tell him hes becoming a "workaholic" . He defends himself.

August 26 2007...After a mini argument regarding my displeasure with him never being home (and I mean never) he informs me "he doesnt know how he feels about me anymore" Im shocked to say the least. I totally turn it around on MYSELF and apologize for not being suportive enough and promise to try harder and tell him he is my "hero". He agrees we have waaay too much to not go forward and try. I pledge my love and now scurry around trying to be the "perfect wife"...LOL LOL LOL ( man what I know NOW that I wish I knew then)

Sept 30 2007....He had been working all weekend and late into nights. He had a huge project coming up and needed to spend all his time working on it..he was obsessed with it.but I was now the "perfect wife" so I smiled and said "thats ok honey":::GAGGING:::: He stood my youngest up for a movie and didnt call..just didnt show up..( my old H would NEVER EVER do this). She was heartbroken. He came home all "sheepish" at night sat on bed and proceeded to "rock my world" and not in a good way.

What I heard...

"I dont love you anymore. we should never gotten married. we had kids to young (we were 24). I didnt date enough."

" we have nothing in common anymore. We dont match up anymore"

"I dont make you happy"

" I cant stand the way I feel when I'm around you because I cant give you what you need"

"you need too much from me emotionally and I cant give it"

"you call me too much at work

"I just want to concentrate on my job"

"the girls will be fine" (This is a man who never ever ever believed in breaking up families. period)

" you asked me to reach stuff on the top shelf of he cupboard wen you could have used the stool" ( I kid you not..you cant make this stuff up!)

So you get the point..you have all been there...only by the grace of God did I NOT fall apart. I was praying the whole time asking God to control my heart, mind and tongue. He did. I calmly asked if there was someone else. he told me "No you did this all by yourself" To this day why I didnt completely fall apart is beyound me..I really knew nothing about MLC at the time. He announced he was leaving and would be staying with his dad when he wasnt traveling (10 minutes away). He needed to see if he "missed me". Sigh. I said "ok what ever you need to do" never in a zillion yrs thinking this would be more than a week or two. He slept on couch and packed a few things and left to go out of town next day. Gone a few days then back to his dads. Never said a word to his daughters. I had to tell them. I explained dad was under a lot of stress from his job and needed a break and after jos settled down he would work on himself and marriage and be back home (this is what he told me..pretty much). We talked and I assured them how much I loved dad and we would pray for him and not be angry.

So for next month man I knew as my H became angry and lied all the time. Did not attend my daughters varsity soccer games ( she made it and this was a HUGE deal for her). Would lie and say he was coming and not show up. Say he got caught in traffic jam and couldnt make it. Bank account activity later showed him being at a casino GAMBLING! Again this was NOT the same man..at all??? I got my fanny into counseling ASAP.

My H became angier and angrier everytime I saw him..I called it "vomit" and it came up anytime he saw me...he never had an angry mean bone in his body..now he has rage.

Sooo lucky for me ..I had been reading everything I can learn on MLC..I have never once reacted to him.. I have stood there and taken the vomit and never reacted. I just listen and validate where needed and then say "have a good afternoon" and walk way. I know it totally baffles him.

He has totally checked out of his old life..kids, pets, friends, hobbies..you name it. He has bought all new clothes and now uses hair products...LOL. He has more hair products than myself and my girls put togther..LOL

I uncovered OW about a month ago..I was pretty sure there was one but didnt try to prove it. One day I woke up, decided it was time..did investigating..found evidence of another woman in one day and her name next day. I confronted him with my discovery ( with love) he denied then blamed me ( of course it was me..duh) but I was prepared for it. Told him it was not about me but about HIM. He vomited some more and stormed out and hasnt said a word to me since..except a few desperate voice mails pleading with me not to reveal her name as she is his boss and she could lose her job ..ohhh noo plot thickens..( she is married with kids, this is a possible scandel) I ignored his voice mails.

Sooo..this is my life now. My H is in major MLC boinking his boss, got a vascetomy, is now taking Cialis, gambling, running up huge debts, lies, has forsaken his faith and will not darken the door of church. It amazing how a normal amazing guy and family man can do a complete 180..and as hard as it is grasp it..I actually in some weird way "get it" and see why it happned..do I like it...NO WAY.

Of course IM to blame for EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. The man who was my best friend and soul mate pretty much hates me and Im trying soo hard to not let it keep focused on "its NOT about me". Every day I must make the conscience decision to NOT get depressed over this. I literally must say to myself "Sandy you will not enter depression today. We will deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here, but TODAY you will NOT go into depression". Its an everyday battle..it truely is. To have him not acknowledge Christmas, New Years, Valentines etc is heartbreaking. Since he has left he has not asked ONCE if "I am ok" ? If "girls are ok?" "Do you have enough money?" "Are you warm enough?" "is some one clearing driveway?" NOTHING. Hes just doing his own thing and it truely is all about him. Again..heartbreaking. But I am finding what Im made of...Im waay stronger than I EVER thought and I am thankful for that.

Ok so me...I am reading learning everything I can on MLC and am determined to save my family. I PROMISED my girls I will fight until I have nothing left and then I will pick myself up and fight some more. I love my H...dont like him so much right now..but I know that wonderful man is in there somewhere and we will see him again someday. In the meantime..I pray with my girls everyday, we pray for dad as well as others. We call ourselves warriors for our family. I read read read. I am GAL ing. I've lost 35 lbs. I am learning to help others. I've given him over to God. I know I have no control..I can only control myself. I chose to not lay down and die I chose to show my girls how to handle a crisis. I chose to love my H when he is being very unlovable. I chose to not hate the OW. its not so much about her, just like I know its not about me. Do I like her? ummm not so much..but I dont wanna concern myself with her..I pray for her and her family everyday. Ive always said from the day I had my girls .." I want them to be strong woman of God" I guess God said "ok show em how". Sigh. I guess he didnt want me to talk the talk but instead walk the walk.

This is what I know so far..

My H has no "plan". He has said a few times (only when he is vomiting) he wants to get a legal seperation. Then later divorce. He has been away almost 5 months and has done nothing. Its ok as I will not agree to it. I have a friend who is an attorney, she told me he has no grounds to divorce me ( we live in NY). I have done my homework. I know this to be true.

My H is living at his dads in bedroom he grew up in. He has nothing. He has no support system. His dad is soo against what he is doing however is letting him stay there as he knows his son is not "ok" and wants to keep an eye on him. He knows all about MLC and is "on board" with it and is very supportive of me and his grand daughters. I love him dearly and he loves me. Im blessed to have him.

I know the OW is his addiction and she can relate to him on a professional level,and I know my old H would never ever give a woman who would leave her family and have an affair the time of day...so Im just holding onto that and thats about all the time I wll give myself thinking about her.

My girls and I have a huge support system between my family and our comunnity and church . I fnd people are coiming out of the woodwork to help my family and I feel so blessed.

My girls know about the OW and at first I was mortified but now Im ok with it as I wont protect my H choices and its the truth. They have no idea who it is and that just doesnt matter...OW should be THANKING me as my oldest wants to know her name so she can put a "hit out on her"..LOL. I told her we will pray for her instead.

I know waaay more than I ever cared to about MLC and am dismayed that there isnt more taught about it in schools, churches what ever..maybe if more men/boys where aware of it maybe just maybe being aware of it would encourage "treatment" before families are destroyed beyound repair? Its soo much more than some joke on a sitcom..its real and can be disaster.

Im determined to use this time, I didnt ask for, to grow and make something POSITIVE come from it.

I didnt sign up for this..no one asked me if I wanted to play the "MLC game" . No one asked me if I wanted to be celibate and if I had known last time I had sex it was going to be the last time I sure would have appreciated it more..LOL

So ladies and gentlemen, thank you for letting me join your group..I wish it was something more pleasent but its just nice knowing we are not alone on this horrible journey.

A little bit about me...Im 44, cant type to save my life, can be rather silly and like to laugh. And I have had my life turned upside down by MLC but its not gonna take me or my family down.

[Was2sad]

I'm sorry. I missed something somewhere. You here for help, or to straighten the rest out? Just kidding.

Truth is you have handled all this horror as if you had already been here years and gotten the degree. Great for you and the kids to have so much support. If you read as much as it sounds, you already know that kind of support for the horrible LBS is rare indeed. It will help you and the kids survive all this. yur positive thoughts toward H will also help pave the way for his return when he wakes up, and he will.

Nothing like that EVER stays secret in the workplace long and it will likely end up costing them both their jobs when it comes out.

Sorry to see another newcomer in MLC forum, but thank God you have such a great handle on this already. You will be teaching folks how to hold it together by your example. Good luck.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Wow! I'm with W2S, you learned or knew more by instinct than a lot of people get in years! I've got no advice, I con only tell you that you have found a great place to vent, learn, throw around ideas, and get support!

[Maya44]

Wow! You have handled this so far with such class! There will be no regrets from your part at all when you and H finally get a chance to talk...probably a long time from now since he's still so angry. But you are doing AWESOME!

[Nature Girl]

Sandy, welcome aboard and I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Can I just say that you sound AMAZING!!! This is your first post and you sound like you have it all figured out, as much as any of us here can have things figured out.

I know it is not a joking matter, but I have to wonder after reading your story....was it his boss that gave him the "good" rating instead of "excellent"???

hugs to you and your daughters!

[Virtually_Handsome]

I know it is not a joking matter, but I have to wonder after reading your story....was it his boss that gave him the "good" rating instead of "excellent"???

NG, that was a great catch! I think a sense of humor is very important in this! No wonder he is so upset! Explains the Cialis!

[mishka422]

Sandy - You could have written the book on how the handle the MLC spouse! I am so impressed by your strength and control. I have had no control whatsoever much to my eternal chagrin. I always thought I was a very strong woman until the bomb. I found out just how codependent I had become.

You keep posting and giving tips! I love your attitude and insight. What else have you been doing to GAL?

[Sandyof5]

Hey guys..thanks for the welcome!

I did kinda come out swinging didnt I???
LOL

Sure in the beginnng I wasnt quite as "strong" per say and I DO have my moments of bursting into tears, But I guess I just give it to myself as havng a bad day or moment, or whatever. For the most part I just kinda plug along taking one day at a time.

Last week I was running my daughter to a friends house and had crocs on in my snowy driveway and slipped and twisted and slammed my leg into car..it hurt a lot and I thought for a second I broke my leg. And in that second of wondering if I broke my leg it hit me...." I was alone" My H would not be around to take me to emergency room. My H wouldnt even care. My H wouldnt be the one to talk to Drs. MY H wouldnt be the one to prop my leg up on pillows and bring me motrin. I couldnt stop crying over this thought process. It just shook me to my core. I cried for hours alone in my room over this scary thought. Yes I have family and friends but it was SUPPOSSED to be my H who did all this. It was horrible. I called my sis and cried and she asked what I needed..I told her "chicken wing pizza"! So she brought me a chicken wing pizza and made me laugh. My leg was fine..bruised a bit but my heart was broken. But I know it wont always be this way..and this too shall pass...

Nature!!!
Good question...LOL..no it wasnt that boss who gave him the "good" review ..it was another one ( a male) but I do know this woman did tell him he was sooo deserving of an excellent review and how dare the other guy only give him a "good" review...ohh boyy..enter a guy in MLC and an ego stroker...can you say deadly???


Oh and I do have a question.....

Since this has all started..when I drive I find my self always soo deep in thought..I hardly ever listen to the radio as Im so lost in my thoughts constantly! I get to my destination and think " how the heck did I get here?" scary. Anyone else do this?

[Was2sad]

More so in the early happy go lucky days than in the post bomb depression. Would get lost in the songs and loose track.

After bomb, music was a problem. So much of it reminded me of a life I felt would not return. I only allowed myself to go through the same stack of six discs that became safe music. They did not distract me or take me into the past. Qualified me for a rubber room I guess.

Forced myself to not let go of awareness, knowing what might happen. Driving was a time I tried hard to push things out of my mind. They always snuck back in at red lights.

I hate red lights.

You might start thinking about any meditation or yoga groups in your area. These things help reduce mind chatter and stress. It becomes one time every week you can count on clearing your mind of these things and you would begin to depend on it like a booster shot. Other fun things to try are memorizing and singing Amazing Grace or repeating Lord's Prayer until you realize you stopped doing it a few minutes ago. I guess that leads us right back to wondering "how did I get here"

[want2believe]

Sandy,
I give you credit. You're doing an awesome job. Hang in there.

Yes, I've so lost in my thoughts before that I wasn't sure how I got to my destination before and it is scary.

Question - How often does WAH make contact with you currently?