Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Hey Jim and Jeannine (and everyone else!) -- Thanks so much for your support and kind words.

Jeannine, reading your words made me feel whole again -- and reminded me so well that it's perfectly fine for me to FEEL what I FEEL.

Jim, what did we have for lunch at the Mexican restaurant?? We had plans to go out for burritos last night but....

well, unfortunately, we had to put our sweet girl, Owen to sleep last night. The tumor had invaded her eye and for the first time in this LONG battle, she seemed in pain, uncomfortable. We spent some time patting her, comforting her, being with her...and we were both with her at the end. She was brave and loving and beautiful.

So...why was Owen named Owen if she was a she? Well, it's darned hard to tell the sex of a kitten if you're just a layperson!!! I got her about 12 years ago from a guy I worked with...she was a "barn kitten" -- I knew she was the one because she was crawling all over her siblings. "I want a boy" I said, and they handed her over....I named her "Owen" after the character "Owen Meany" (from the John Irving book). Image my surprise when the vet informed me a week later that well, he was a she!

She was a fiesty kitten that drove me crazy in my small apartment -- one time I had a mouse "in the house" and Owen caught it as it was trying to escape under the closed bedroom door! Boy, she was quick with those paws! In her early years, she would sit ontop of bureaus and swipe my mother with her paws when she walked by (Owen was clearly insightful if she was trying to smack my mother around -- trust me on that one! )

Her R with my h was very stormy at first -- h was allergic to cats and Owen was stubborn and liked to use her claws a lot -- on both the furniture AND people. She became an outdoor cat for a while and loved to roam around. THAT came to an end quickly when she was hit by a car one early Sunday morning in December a few years ago...h and I were on our way out and we saw Owen bravely trying to make her way home -- obviously injured. She had been hit in the head and the vet was upfront -- there was no real way to know the extent of the damage and she might not live. She had also broken her jaw so they wired that together.

She came home after a few horrible days and we were on pins and needles. She was listless and had trouble walking and we were on hyper alert for signs of brain damage. She wouldn't eat so we had to feed her with a syringe of food. She fought us valiantly but eventually we got enough food into her that she started rallying...first it was climbing the stairs, then jumping into the tub for water. I cannot duplicate the euphoria in my h's voice when he reported to me that Owen had taken a poop in the litter box for the first time since the accident!

Everything changed after the accident -- Owen became loving and affectionate in a way that she had never been before. She was thirstier for some reason. And, she was afraid of thunderstorms, too. H and Owen bonded then, too. They became great friends. H's allergies became minimal. After the accident, it was easier to NOT take Owen for granted -- when you feel the urge to yell at her or be impatient, you'd remember what you almost lost and find yourself more calm again.

She loved to eat people food -- turkey was a favorite, poached eggs and toast, too. She was a big fan of carbos! She loved hermits (but not the raisins) and Portuguese sweet bread that my dad makes for Easter -- she just had some a few weeks ago!

Around the time of the bomb we noticed a lump on Owen's head. After a trip to a crappy vet, we took her back to the place that treated her after the accident. They told us she had a tumor in her skull. More tests, some radiation, a harrowing surgery (not to remove the tumor -- it was inoperable) and a terrible week of Owen being a "cone head" and we were back on track. We knew her time was short but she made the most of it. The tumor shrunk and for a few months we naively thought all was well in the world.

It's been fortuitous that h has been home with Owen during this time. He's been with her at every doctor's appointment and each day they've spent together. That wouldn't have happened if the rest of our crap hadn't happened...('cause H wouldn't have quit his job if the a hadn't occurred!). H had a way of calming Owen that I never did. He learned all about how she liked to be patted -- he'd tell me -- don't touch her there, she doesn't like it -- do this instead. He taught her to respond to whistling, perfected the "meat hook" head rub, gave her a warm lap to sit in.

Her hair grew back white after the radiation (she was mostly black). That added another nickname to the repertoire -- "white eyed gansta rap" -- now I had even more names to call her -- "O", "Snoop Snuggly".

The last month had been tough. The tumor came back full force and it quickly invaded her eye. She held on and was stoic but yesterday was too much. Instead of hiding like they say cats do, Owen plopped herself down with us and let us know it was now too much.

We had wonderful hours before it was time. She knew she was loved and we know she loved us too. We'll be burying our sweet girl in our garden so she'll always be with us.

Sage

[sage]

Oh, h called this am and told me that his old job had called with an emergency. They've asked him to come in today to help fix it.

Don't know if this is a sign of my "post-cat-trauma" mental state or something more meaningful but I didn't even have to act "as if" I was ok with the whole thing....With every fiber of my being I told him that I thought it was a real compliment to him, wished him good luck and asked him to let me know how it goes....

In my heart I know that I love h, he loves me and that he knows how his involvement with ow has damaged our m...I can't control anything having to do with him, least of all this. It's weird...it just FEELS aok right now to trust that he will do the right thing.

Sage

[KAW]

(((Sage)))
I'm so sorry for your loss. When my W & I moved into our first apartment together, my W said she wanted a kitten ... and not just any ole kitten. This one had to be white with pink ears and blue eyes. My father LOL when he heard that and said Good Luck finding one. Well couple of weeks later, after seeing an ad, we ended up at a farm house and lo & behold there was a white one with pink ears & blue eye. She was the runt of the litter, so we named her Peanut. I'm not what you would call an "animal lover", but this cat was so lovable ... many an evening she would lay in my lap. She was with us for many years. My W was heart broken when she was gone. Took nearly a year before she decided she wanted another kitten. This one is now a yearling and still is a wild banshee. Don't know if she will ever mellow out enough to sit on my lap.

Keep the fond memories close to your heart and when the time is right, there will always be oppurtunities to create new ones.

'til later,
KAW

[scotty]

"I cried for being a crappy DB'er then cried some more for the crying"
------------------------------------------------------------
Sage,

I'm pretty new here but if you honestly think you are a crappy db'er, i think you should go back and read your thread again. I think you'll agree that's not the case. You've given other people alot of hope here......

[Jeannine]

Sage,

I'm trying to regain my composure as I type my post here.

I cried so hard all the way through you post about putting your sweet little Owen to sleep.

I often think about my Phoebe and how hard it was to let go of her at the time that I knew it was the kindest thing I could do for her.

I'm sobbing to hard to type right now. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for you and your H's loss.

Jeannine

[sage]

KAW and Jeannine -- Thanks so much for helping me through missing my girl. I actually posted such a long-winded post about Owen so that I would have it to go back and read --

We buried her last night. She has a lovely spot in our garden and she's close by so I can go visit and talk to her as often as I like!

Sage

[sage]

------------------------------------------------------------
Sage,

I'm pretty new here but if you honestly think you are a crappy db'er, i think you should go back and read your thread again. I think you'll agree that's not the case. You've given other people alot of hope here......

Scotty -- Thanks so much for these kind words...I think I just get lost in the process sometimes...and I end up feeling as though I'm not doing well.

Now...how can we DB those Red Sox??? (Saw on your thread that you are a fan! Me too!)

Sage

[scotty]

yeah, big fan sage. I wonder how to db the redsox. Is that saying we should be nice to the yankee fans?????.

I also feel like i get lost in the process and can't believe some of the things that i've done in the past. Unfortunately, that's how most of us have to learn, by making mistakes. The emotional roller coaster is a wild ride.

Sorry about the cat.....i know how attached we get to our pets......I know my dog is like a kid to me.

[sage]

Just journalling from yesterday...

What went well:
1. H was truly wonderful through all of the sadness re. Owen. He is really broken up too and it felt good to have him share his feelings with me.

2. H was very verbally and physically affectionate last night. We had a mellow night but he said quite a few loving things and held my hand almost the whole time!

3. This is a biggie! I mentioned that h got called into his old job (where ow is). He was done in record time and called me to see if I wanted to go out to lunch!!! How cool is that??? I'm so proud of him for how well he did the job and I'm delighted that he sought me out as a lunch date in lieu of the alternative!

What didn't go well:

1. I noticed myself not being patient when h was telling me his feelings about owen -- not in an "impatient -- get it out" kind of way but more like I was so excited that he was TELLING me how he was FEELING that I talked more than I should have....I need to slow down and let him tell me his stuff at his own pace

2. This was today not yesterday. I had a disagreement with my boss and was left feeling (rightly or wrongly) underappreciated, a bit pushed out of the way, a bit irked about his giant ego. I was feeling vulnerable and a bit sorry for myself. Got on phone with h (I think he called me) -- started feeling disconnected -- like I didn't know the right thing to say, how to be interesting, etc. Towards the end of the conversation, call waiting clicked in (I think) and he didn't mention it but we got off the phone anyway -- hung up thinking "oh that's probably ow" then started feeling left out, bummed, mad, unchosen, convinced that they are still in touch, etc.

So...why write all this babble down??? because, I've got to get rid of it. Because when I really think about it I realize that my response to h had little or nothing to do with him and what was going on with him and far more to do with how I was ALREADY feeling (inadequate, unskilled, etc). To make matters worse, I brought those negative feelings INTO our conversation which can only make things worse!!

Right now I'm trying to be mindful of what's going on when I start feeling negative. Eventual goal is to identify how to stop this cycle!

What helped a bit -- realizing that I didn't HAVE to DO anything about my ow fears -- didn't have to say anything to h, didn't have to behave a certain way -- just felt the fear and moved on. I don't ALWAYS have to respond to my FEELINGS!!!

Another thing that I've been thinking about lately (as long as Im babbling away here) is that I think I've done a crappy job at letting h love me -- at letting him be tender. I think that it is REALLY important to him (an ASSumption but I think a valid one) to be safe in being able to love someone. I don't think I've made it safe for him and then I get all tied up in insecurity and fear. anyway, not saying anything I haven't said before...just mulling over how difficult this can be.

I think I need to draft some new goals -- here are some quick (NON action oriented -- so bear with me) thoughts:

1. I will get through next phase of ow insecurity without "doing" something about it

2. I will get through next phase of feeling vulnerable and afraid w/o creating some crisis with h to push him away

3. I will slow down my talking and do MORE listening with h.

Wait, these aren't goals, are they? arrgh. I'm running out of brain power. will update more later.

Sage

[shinybear]

Hi Sage,

Sorry it's been a while, but I'm crazy-busy with my new course.

Oh, Owen. You do know we have THREE cats? Two are 11, the other was a stray we adopted 3 years ago. They rather ARE our kids, so my sincere sympathies on your loss.

Sage, you continue to show such marvelous insight, please give yourself a break! How can you be the "unchosen" when he's chosen to be with YOU????

Wish I had more time!

Shiny