I am glad that the solution-journal can help you, as it has helped me emmensely.
About the age thing my H is only 28 and there is no doubt in my mind that he is in a MLC with a strong case of Depression, and he has turned into an alcoholic.
It sounds like you are at the beginning of all of this. And if it is a MLC, he may still be in the denial stage if he is not projecting blame onto you yet. Once they hit the anger stage, they blame you for doing everything wrong and you really start to walk on egg shells.
My H told me on and off for about two yrs. almost that he felt like we should give each other time and space and that he thought we needed a legal seperation. But then he would act the next day like everything was fine. Around the second year of all that denial stage, he started to blow up at me for even the littelist of things. He would make immpossible demands of me that when I tried to fullfill, he would say its too little too late. He placed so much blame on me for aprox. a yr. before he actually left me a dear john note that said he was leaving. This is when he went into the replay stage and has been there for almost a year now.
Each situation is different (with some similarities).If he is not Blaming you or acting mad yet, i feel he may still be in the denial stage where he is quietly questioning the runaway thoughts in his head, and sometimes letting them surface when he says he wants to be single or date others. My H said the same things and then he actually got the nerve up to leave and actually did date someone else for a short while.
Is your H still living with you and acting like he is still part of the M? Or has he already left you and seeking his own new life? TIPPER
I can say that age does not mean anything just because it is called midlife crisis. I was 59 and never thought it would happen to me. The fist thing that happen was over a decade of no intimate R with my H and then I become depressed and bored and then I started playing internet games b/c I was bored and then first thing you know I was chatting on the internet and then you can probably guess what happened next. So, unless I live to be nearly 120, I don't think it matters what age you are.
Sandi,
for what it's worth, i dont think you had an MLC. I think you had a "My marriage sucks, i want something better" episode
MLCs are all about the person. If their spouse was not there, it would still happen.
What you went through, was all about the relationship between your husband, and yourself. That's different from a "Midlife crisis".
Not everyone who has an affair, is going through MLC.
Not everyone who goes through MLC, has an affair.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
MLC is a depression, depression covered up by feel good antidotes, alcohol, ow, running, leaving old life........wanting what is on the other side of the fence cause it feels good. It is a totally self absorbed time for these folks, and they deny that they are in depression. So don't mention it. MLC is also called "covert male depression". The male part is because these folks do not face their issues, rather blame it on others and run run run,, a more male trait than female. Sorry guys, that is how I understand it. We both have male and female traits. The subconsious in these folks is rearing up it's ugly head, mad as H that it has been ignored and will not settle down until it is heard and acknowledged. MLC is a solitary journey. We have identified stages of this journey that are based in Kugler-Ross stages of grief. If the MLC can get C and medication, they will be better off. For the most part, save your breath and words. They will deny and blame you for the suggestion. It has to be self motivated to get these helps.
MLC will resolve as the MLCer goes on the spiritual journey and finds the trust and courage to look within themselves for answers. Only then will they begin to reconnect with neglected and hurt friends and family, and eventually the LBS. If you are patient, and let go (process not an instant thing) and not blaming and hurtful to MLC, then the results are better for all. You will do alot of work. All for a chance at a restored M. Bleak, but it does happen. About 30 to 40% will have this outcome.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Now that sounds like a medical test we should all invest money in creating.
As for my H. He said he's been feeling the need to run for a couple of years now. He said that he kept telling himself that he was just tired, stressed, being silly... well all that changed in November. Even leading up to November he seemed aggressive and short with me.. But November I confronted him about why he was avoiding spending any time with me and any time at home w/ our D2. It got so bad that on the few nights he got home at a decent hour he would work out in the basement instead of spending any time with his daughter.
He told me he needed to be selfish and I had to just take it at the end of November... and then for the entire month of December and a good portion of January he was a party animal... I asked him to leave in the New Year because I told him he was being extremely disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family...
During the really bad time, in December.. he told me horrible things like he wasn't sure if what we had was real.. and that when we got married he didn't know if he actually loved me or was just in love with the idea of there being someone who would always be there for him.. He said other completely untrue things.. I can't even remember what they were.. but I was just floored. He retracted all of those nasty things but they are still out there.. and I wonder how his brain could have come up with that stuff.. Which is why I was thinking MLC.
Well he's out of the house.. Has been since January. He still partying but not to the extent that he was (or maybe he's just better at hiding it). He has taken much more of an interest in our D over the last little bit, which is nice, but he has just recently been caught in an affair, by me. He swears that nothing physical has happened yet.. but it confirms for him the fact that he wants to date other people and doesn't feel like he's committed to his commitment anymore... He seems much more in touch with reality these days but maybe it's just a good show... Anyway, this is where I stand!
Is he just a WAS or is he in crisis, I'm not sure I'll ever know.
Last edited by Where2gofromhere; 02/19/0803:41 AM.
Again, It sounds to me like a crisis. They try and recreate all of your fun and happy loving memories into doom and gloom. THey say all the things you never thought they would say to you. They run and party and have affairs. Definetly MLC!!!! TIPPER
Hi I used to winder the sane was or MLC but the remedy is ther same let him go when he visits be upbeat and positive thank him for little things he does try to not react to his selfishness and new lifestyle its hard and gets easier over time grieve and heal yourslef..this is a pretty tramatic experience and your process will take time be with D keep posting seek couselor id you can it helps peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
No, he doesn't have to have a MLC to want to leave you to date OP. Usually, when a person is going through MLC it isn't long before another person is involved. If he has a particular person already picked out he wants to date......just sounds like he wants his freedom.
Well, keep coming back to post and vent.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
