Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

MMF - That was a very good way of putting that. I am all of those people aren't I? All of those life experiences made up who I am today (good or bad). I keep getting stuck on all the bad and can't see the good. I've always been a little (ok, more than a little) on the pessimistic side. I'm working on it but it's a way of life so it's pretty hard to get past.

I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm going to make an attempt to eat something. I haven't tried to do anything more than swallow some 7-up since yesterday morning. We'll see how this goes.

H is coming to pick up S13 again to take him to karate. This is 4 days in a row that he has seen him. I'm glad for my son but it worries me that H is going to use this illness of mine as leverage in custody. I hope not. He has to know that jerking our son back and forth between us will not be good for him and our home supplies the most stable environment for him. I'll keep praying about that too.

H doesn't talk to me at all except to ask if I need anything. I always tell him no (with the exception of Sunday when I had to ask him to pick up 7-up for me) but he asks all the time anyway. There are plenty of things that need to be done around here that I'm not capable of but I'm not going to ask him to do those things. He chose not to be with us and to live with his OW so he can forget trying to make me feel like I owe him for anything. I also don't want to appear needy which would be a pushing behavior. I do need him but only when and if he decides that he needs me.

I truly wish I could let go of him entirely because I'm 99% positive that I'm going to have to. Is standing for my M just hurting me in the long run? Am I standing now only to have to find a way to live without my soulmate in my life? I know this is supposed to be a time of personal growth for me but living like this is hurting my heart so badly.

Shouldn't we all just reconcile ourselves to the fact that our spouses don't want us anymore and leave it be? They may be confused but they will more than likely stay that way. They took years to get to this point. Why should our lives be hung out to dry hanging in limbo for years from now? They are moving on with theirs whether it's truly making them happy or not.

I know I'm rambling again but all these thoughts keep running around in my head and I needed to get them out.

Any comments on the above?