This CharlyneCares newsletter really hit me between the eyes with a huge 2x4. Are we showing admiration and unconditional love toward our WAS/MLCer? Or is it false? I can usually tell when someone is fake with me. Does my wife think I am being fake or does she believe I genuinely love her and admire her for the person she really is?
Welcome to Charlyne Cares, a free daily devotional from Rejoice Marriage Ministries. - - - - -
"What Brought Bob Home?" -
"This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:32-33
Many of the letters received by Rejoice Marriage Ministries have an underlying question; "What brought Bob home?" For over seventeen years, we have attempted to answer by teaching about unconditional love, or love that overlooks faults and actions. We have taught about forgiveness, and about how to handle the rejection, fear, disappointment, and the other hurts. Charlyne and I have shared with standers from the depths of our hearts, yet I have never heard my wife express precisely what she feels caused my sinful heart to be softened.
While listening to a sermon, the Holy Spirit spoke a word to my heart that I knew immediately was what my wife had for me when we were divorced, and when she was standing with God and praying for a marriage restored by God.
That word was admiration. To best be able to explain admiration for you, I went to the dictionary. I discovered that admiration means, "A delighted contemplation of something worthy or beautiful; esteem; respect." That’s what my wife had for me! Once God spoke to her, Charlyne never stopped "admiring" me, as she contemplated something worthy, namely a marriage touched and healed by Jesus Christ.
There is a God-given need for admiration by our spouse built into each of us. I can write an article, and a hundred standers can email to say thanks, and to express how much the piece touched them, but even that tremendous response does not come near my wife’s words of praise and her smile when she first read my work, typos and all. Standers may have appreciated my efforts, but my wife admired me for what I had done.
Many standers get into trouble when they attempt to force emotions that are not there. You can attempt to demonstrate unconditional love to an lovable mate all day, but sooner or later, something will happen, or words exchanged, that are just too much, and the unconditional love evaporates in instant.
Charlyne had admiration for me, even when I was leading a sinful life, not because of what I was, but because of her "delighted contemplation of something worthy," namely our restored marriage.
You may have been standing since yesterday, or for a dozen years, but here is the hard question; Do you admire your prodigal spouse right now? Can you "contemplate something worthy" in them? Do you have "esteem" and "respect" for your beloved, without adding, "... yes, if they would only ..."
The world’s way of dealing with marriage problems, starting with communication problems, and restraining or protection orders, through adultery, and right into the divorce court, is not designed to have a wounded spouse "contemplate something worthy" about their spouse. The world’s way is to get mad, get even, get over, and get on with life when a marriage crisis strikes.
If you were to outline your marriage situation to a stranger today, you would he hard pressed to find anyone who, after hearing what your spouse has done, would suggest that you admire, or "contemplate something lovely," about the offender. Yet, that is what Jesus teaches us to do.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9
Throughout the Bible, God’s people are taught to strive for the character of Christ, and to seek those same qualities in the people we love.
"In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything." I Timothy 3:11
"You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance." Titus 2:1-2
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:1-2
What brought me home? The admiration of a wife, freely given at a time when I did not deserve to be admired. Charlyne was able to look beyond my sin, and with eyes like Jesus, to "contemplate something lovely" in me.
Do you feel the need to email and advise me how off-base I am, sent along with a narrative of your prodigal mate's faults? If so, I am writing just to you. I won't do so, but I could equal or top everything your prodigal is doing, and yet Charlyne still admired me.
I pray that you will follow her example. Get rid of the hate and give Jesus your soft heart to work in.
My prayer for you is that today, and tomorrow, and all the days after, you will also be able to admire, or to "contemplate something lovely" in your prodigal spouse. Thinking like that transfers into actions and prayers that can change a hardened heart. I know, because it happened to me!
Blessings, Bob Steinkamp, Returned Prodigal Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.® Post Office Box 10548 Pompano Beach, Florida 33061 USA Ministry: http://RejoiceMinistries.org Bookstore: http://StopDivorce.org
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