Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Hey DB friends -- haven't journalled in a while -- last night had plenty of highs and lows...

What went well:
1. H asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink and then picked the place for us to go. This is a big deal to me -- for a while he had been making lots of plans for us, then that tailed off -- I've missed it -- I hope that he's starting to feel more comfortable about asking me to do stuff.

2. H asked me to start sending him links for job postings -- what can I say other than this is huge? asking for help re. a job is a biggie and it makes me feel really, really good.

3. this one may be hard to explain...when we were out to dinner, the chef sent out two little plates of a crab salad. I ate mine, h ate some of his and then tried to give me the rest. we went back and forth with "no, you eat it", "no you eat it" until I finally agreed to eat it. h said "you liked it more than I did" and "did it bug you that I did that?" I said "no" and he said "I like doing things for you that you want, that make you happy. I don't think you know that" (or something like that). I'm not entirely sure where that came from but it was an interesting conversation....

What didn't go well:
ah. well. our cat is dying. and, we talked a bit about it on the way home from dinner so by the time we got home and settled in, well, I was just in full crying mode. so I cried and cried and cried. gasping sobs, move to the bedroom to be alone so I can weep. I cried for the cat. I cried for our wounded M. I cried for me and the feeling that ow is still around (either it's true and our m is just not gonna heal while it IS true or it's not true and I'm keeping myself from healing), I cried for my h. who doesn't seem to know how much I love him, who I think I've hurt subconsciously over and over and over again. I cried for the feeling that I still have over not being chosen by him (ie, ow was the "chosen" one). I cried for being afraid, for knowing that the next step I need to take is leaping headfirst into a zone I'm afraid of (this is why I think thoughts of ow keep rearing her ugly head -- oh, I mean, their ugly head! once again I find myself knowing in my heart that I HAVE to forge ahead not knowing the stuff that I cannot know -- if I will be hurt again, etc). I cried for being a crappy DB'er then cried some more for the crying! I cried with envy, from fear, with sadness, with loss. There was a whole, freaking lot of cryin' going on.

H was really wonderful through it all. When I told him I was going to bed, he asked me if he could give me a hug. when he got into bed, he asked for a kiss goodnight. this man did not seem to take one tear personally. he did not seem to shy away at all. that is bravery!

dreamt about confronting the ow. I won't. dreamt also that I was having an a with a guy from work. won't do that either.

decided tentatively this morning that maybe the pain is out of my system. decided also that if I don't feel chosen, well, I can choose myself.

sent h an email thanking him for his support last night. I wish that I had been stronger. I wish my cat weren't dying. I wish I could let go of the pervasive ow odor.

Sage