Make things better by looking ahead....

[Caz]

Sage, It's okay to rant on the BB, especially if it helps with the PMA in handling responses to H.

I'm sorry about your cat. This is extremely difficult to handle at the end. I went through this several yrs ago with my previous cat. I still get emotional thinkg about her. She was 19yrs old.

Wanted to let you know that I checked in. I definitely have learned alot this weekend and your thoughts on insecurities and controlling issues may apply to me. I don't have much to offer in advice today becuase I'm in thinking mode myself.

Good Luck with your C tonight. I hope you gain some understanding on how to deal with the anger. Hopefully you will share.

I'll check back. Sorry for no enlightening words, but I also agree with Jim. You should look at the glass as half-full, not half-empty. That may change your perceptions of the sitch.

Caz

[sage]

OK, here's a glass half-full view. Perhaps he's having a crappy day for whatever reason, and calls you to cheer himself up. This sounds in line with what you described. Sage, don't be so damn negative all the time!

Goodness help me that never would have occurred to me in a million years. Seriously. Thank you for the 2x4 whack -- why AM I so negative? Of course I can be a day brightener! Of course I can be the "cheerer-upper". Why did I ever think differently?

I had been feeling a bit proud of myself for the "as if" and not getting mired in the phone-call-negativity. NOW, I'm going to try to really believe the positive spin.

Thanks again, Jim.

Sage

[sage]

I'm sorry about your cat. This is extremely difficult to handle at the end. I went through this several yrs ago with my previous cat. I still get emotional thinkg about her. She was 19yrs old.

Thanks for the kind words, Caz. A few years ago our cat got hit by a car and we almost lost her. In many ways it allowed me to really value the time that we have been able to spend together (wonder if I'll feel the same about my M!). Then, about 8 months ago, we found out about her tumor -- once again, she rallied valiantly and we got at least 5 months together that we didn't think we'd have. Now it's starting to affect her eye and she seems to be getting worse and worse. I've been talking to her and telling her that it's ok to "let go" but I'm afraid, well, you know what I'm afraid of.

We found out about the tumor around the same time that h dropped the bomb. For a long time there I was afraid that if the cat died, h would leave.

Wanted to let you know that I checked in. I definitely have learned alot this weekend and your thoughts on insecurities and controlling issues may apply to me. I don't have much to offer in advice today becuase I'm in thinking mode myself.

Oooh... sounds like you had an elightening weekend! I'll wait patiently for you to update your thread. Know that I'm thinking of you...

Good Luck with your C tonight. I hope you gain some understanding on how to deal with the anger. Hopefully you will share.

I was sitting in a meeting and realized that it was crazy for me to go to my C session while my h was going to be at the vet with our cat. I'm not even sure what I was thinking in terms of priorities!!! So, I cancelled C. I'm pretty sure that the anger at ow will keep for another 2 weeks...

Sage

[Caz]

Hi Sage, Just checked in. Keep me posted on you cat. I understand your decision on the C vs cat.

Sage, wanted to let you know, I'm not sure about posting on my thread right now. I'm paranoid H knows about the board. I did have an enlightening weekend. Everythg came out about OW. H hired a priv investigator to monitor me. He found my snooping, which was how I discovered OW, and which I quit after starting this DB. Yes I had a few slips. I snooped in the car. H had put a camera in car and knew. At the end of our discussion we were going to work on M.

Last night, H said all day he was thinkg and he cant believe I assumed he had an affair. I said that I only knew it was an EA online, but that I didn't know for sure if it was a PA. He still can't believe I thought this. H knows the boundaries, etc. My crime is that H heard a rumar that day, I said he was having an affair, so obviously one of my friends is talking. H asks why I want to work on M if I believe this? and more.

I feel so stupid, I talked to a few close friends. Now I'm in trouble. I don't know what to do anymore? I'm afraid to talk anymore. I just keep getting in trouble. I don't know where I stand now with H.

Good Luck on your sitch. I will still monitor because I care what happens for you.

[sage]

Caz -- oh my friend, where to start?

First off, I am so glad that everything is out in the open with you and h (and ow). and that you guys have talked about working on m. the latter part of your message confused me -- did h. finding out that you had talked to friends make him backpedal on working on stuff? the end of your post sounded confusing...

as for posting on the boards -- I guess you think that it is something that h wouldn't agree with? because it involves other people or because of db'ing in general? do you think it's something you can eventually bring up with him -- I'd hate to see you lose the support of the group and db'ing and totally selfishly, I'd hate to lose your support of me!

there are days when I'm sure that my h knows about the boards and reads my threads. neither one of us has brought it up and so far (if it's true) it doesn't seem to be hurting us any...'course your sitch is different and in a different stage, etc. There ARE times when I'm hesitant to post a rant because I worry that he's going to take it the wrong way...but this place is for me and has supported me through the darkest period of my whole life....

so what IS the deal with ow right now? is she out of the picture? it's awesome that h reaffirmed for you that it wasn't a pa -- I'm sure that's a relief.

the whole PI/camera thing -- well, what was he looking for? did he think that you were having an a? I hope you guys are planning on moving away from that sort of stuff, right?

let me know how you are. KEEP DB'ing!!! Look back on your posts and see how far you've come...

Sage

[Caz]

Thanks Sage.

did h. finding out that you had talked to friends make him backpedal on working on stuff? the end of your post sounded confusing...

Yes, it had him backpeddling. And saying more stuff that left me feeling battered emotionally.

I guess you think that it is something that h wouldn't agree with? because it involves other people or because of db'ing in general?

Posting on the board involves other people. I hate to lose the support as well. Actually, during the month of DBing H said that it looked like I pretended thgs were okay. H said maybe he needed to hear ILY and other stuff.

I will still support you. I have learned so much from your experience. I'm not sure if H knows of BB, but H has said thgs that give me pause.

OW, H said that there is nothing to end. Only online chat, but owed ending to OW. I agreed. yes it was a relief for EA only.

No reason except I chgd and H wanted to know what I was doing or chkg on him. Yes, H said it ended. I had quit snooping, but had 1 slip recently.

I'm just confused right now. I still plan on working on me. I'll be watching for you.

[sage]

Caz -- First off, I don't want to encourage you to do anything that might jeopardize the progress that you and h are making. don't feel that you need to respond if you feel uncomfortable -- I'll know you're out there! Also, if you'd feel better emailing -- I'd be more than up for that (but TOTALLY understand if that feels strange, too) -- email is [e-mail] (don't ask...it took forever to come up with something new!)

Yes, it had him backpeddling. And saying more stuff that left me feeling battered emotionally.

Caz -- I don't think that this reaction from h is uncommon...I'm not saying he should have beaten you up emotionally! but, he's probably just responding to the idea that other people might think he was having an a.

you were between a rock and a hard place (needing uspport but not having anywhere to turn confidentially) -- that's one of the reasons that the board is so important!

I hate to lose the support as well. Actually, during the month of DBing H said that it looked like I pretended thgs were okay. H said maybe he needed to hear ILY and other stuff.

so...I just view this as DB info...in other words, h is telling you clearly that he needed more words/action/etc from you -- ok, so incorporate that into dbing! it's good info and will benefit you both! we all know that db'ing isn't about withholding or controlling or whatever -- it's about finding what works and doing it -- I honestly don't think that all the ilys in the world would have made the difference early on in the db process for you and h...now he's letting you know differently!

I'm just confused right now. I still plan on working on me.

Understandable -- you've entered a new phase. I'm delighted to hear that you're still working on YOU!!!

Sage

[sage]

Hey DB friends -- haven't journalled in a while -- last night had plenty of highs and lows...

What went well:
1. H asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink and then picked the place for us to go. This is a big deal to me -- for a while he had been making lots of plans for us, then that tailed off -- I've missed it -- I hope that he's starting to feel more comfortable about asking me to do stuff.

2. H asked me to start sending him links for job postings -- what can I say other than this is huge? asking for help re. a job is a biggie and it makes me feel really, really good.

3. this one may be hard to explain...when we were out to dinner, the chef sent out two little plates of a crab salad. I ate mine, h ate some of his and then tried to give me the rest. we went back and forth with "no, you eat it", "no you eat it" until I finally agreed to eat it. h said "you liked it more than I did" and "did it bug you that I did that?" I said "no" and he said "I like doing things for you that you want, that make you happy. I don't think you know that" (or something like that). I'm not entirely sure where that came from but it was an interesting conversation....

What didn't go well:
ah. well. our cat is dying. and, we talked a bit about it on the way home from dinner so by the time we got home and settled in, well, I was just in full crying mode. so I cried and cried and cried. gasping sobs, move to the bedroom to be alone so I can weep. I cried for the cat. I cried for our wounded M. I cried for me and the feeling that ow is still around (either it's true and our m is just not gonna heal while it IS true or it's not true and I'm keeping myself from healing), I cried for my h. who doesn't seem to know how much I love him, who I think I've hurt subconsciously over and over and over again. I cried for the feeling that I still have over not being chosen by him (ie, ow was the "chosen" one). I cried for being afraid, for knowing that the next step I need to take is leaping headfirst into a zone I'm afraid of (this is why I think thoughts of ow keep rearing her ugly head -- oh, I mean, their ugly head! once again I find myself knowing in my heart that I HAVE to forge ahead not knowing the stuff that I cannot know -- if I will be hurt again, etc). I cried for being a crappy DB'er then cried some more for the crying! I cried with envy, from fear, with sadness, with loss. There was a whole, freaking lot of cryin' going on.

H was really wonderful through it all. When I told him I was going to bed, he asked me if he could give me a hug. when he got into bed, he asked for a kiss goodnight. this man did not seem to take one tear personally. he did not seem to shy away at all. that is bravery!

dreamt about confronting the ow. I won't. dreamt also that I was having an a with a guy from work. won't do that either.

decided tentatively this morning that maybe the pain is out of my system. decided also that if I don't feel chosen, well, I can choose myself.

sent h an email thanking him for his support last night. I wish that I had been stronger. I wish my cat weren't dying. I wish I could let go of the pervasive ow odor.

Sage

[Jeannine]

Oh sweet Sage. You have a cloak of saddness weighing heavily on your shoulders. The fact that you cat is dying is so very painful in and of itself. But at a time when you are feeling vulnerable and uncertain in your marriage, it must be crushing.

Your H is showing all kinds of signs of tenderness, but I understand your apprehensions. You are only being human in your present state of mind. It takes time and some discomfort in confronting all those issues and feelings you worked so hard to suppress for so long. They must rise up eventually and you can let them fulfill their task. I believe that it is part of the healing process.

The answers that you seek may also come in time, but even still, those suppressed injuries will need to have their day. All emotions are valid and serve a purpose in balancing are mind and bodies. You are a strong woman, allow yourself to break down into tears when you need it.

You see, your H did not take it personally. There is a point, I believe, where one should be able to give themself persmission to be expressively human again.

Sometimes, if we've reached "that point", our expression of pain when not directed at our S, can be a means of giving them permission to open up and express their feelings too.

It's something to think about at least.

Your friend,
Jeannine

[Umbrella24]

Sage, sorry to hear about your cat. Early last summer, we had to put the family dog who lived with us for 13 years to sleep. This was right around the time that W was questioning her commitment to our marriage, and sometimes when I'm feeling a bit melodramatic, I look at that as the death of our marriage as well. My W moved to Washington to be with me, and didn't know anyone in the area. I was in the navy, and was getting ready to go out to sea, so I got her a puppy so she wouldn't be alone while I was gone. She was a great dog, and even though I kept telling myself "It was just a stupid dog," I still grieved. To this day, I still miss our pup.

Hopefully the cry got a lot of the negative energy out of your system. Remember way back in my sitch, when I finally broke down and completely lost it (sound familiar?), the next day was the day I fianlly began to recover my life.

I know it hurts, and I wish I knew what to say. I'm planning on drowning my sorrows in Mexican food for lunch today, I'll have some for you too.