Thanks for your watchful eye. Here's an acronym for you: "NSTR"
Nothing Significant to Report.
HERE'S THE QUESTION DE' JOUR: (I never know how to phrase these questions)
I vacilate between anger and confusion over this one. How do you with children handle this?
As far as I can tell, D. is the end result here for me. That being said, I can see W. "inviting me" to certain functions we used to do as a family, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, for sure me putting up a Christams tree and carving pumpkins, whatever...for the kids. I'd be more than happy to do this wherever I live, but NOT at my old house, where there are so many great memories of the kids growing up.....
I have NO interest in doing this, under any circumstances. I love my kids dearly, but this would rip my heart out. I feel like I'm selfish, but looking at the bigger picture, I want no part of destruction of my family. (there's the confusion part). I go between feeling guilty for "holding the kids hostage", and wanting to just shake my wife, and scream at her, and call her a self-absorbed, self-centered bit&h!!!!!(sorry, ladies...)
If doing this stuff "for the kids" was that important, why did you (WAW) alter the landscape of the family forever? (anger)
Also, not that I'm that confident, but what happens if you end up finding someone new? That really muddies the waters. If as a divorced person, you live only for your kids, what do you have when they are grown, move away, and you're alone and 60? If you are an intact family, it becomes SO easy to live for your kids. I do not want to die alone.......Every mortar or rocket attack here solidifes that for me!!!!
Thats's why divorce sucks, why the partner who leaves is unbelievably selfish and self-absorded (if there's no abuse, substance abuse weird sexula procliviites, affairs etc.) and it just destoys kids. The view from my fox hole only.
I'd be more than happy to do this wherever I live, but NOT at my old house, where there are so many great memories of the kids growing up.....
I have NO interest in doing this, under any circumstances. I love my kids dearly, but this would rip my heart out. I feel like I'm selfish, but looking at the bigger picture, I want no part of destruction of my family. (there's the confusion part). I go between feeling guilty for "holding the kids hostage", and wanting to just shake my wife, and scream at her, and call her a self-absorbed, self-centered bit&h!!!!!(sorry, ladies...)
I use to struggle with what I thought I "should" do and what I actually felt I had the capacity to do.
There was a time when I was all about keeping everyone else happy - but me. I didn't even bother to look at my own limitations, ploughed forward, felt like a doormat, and resentful. I could not keep up what I "should" do on a long term consistent basis and the longer I ignored my own needs, the more pissy and reactive I became.
These days I figure out my own limitations and what I CAN give while taking care of me.
Bottom line, you are not being selfish. To the contrary I think you are being healthy figuring out your own limitations and giving what you can. You are NOT saying - NO CELEBRATIONS. You are just setting the terms of what works for you.
It is possible that with time, as the D stuff fades, you may be able to modify the definition of what you CAN do. But for now, you are doing fine.
As for dying alone. Doesn't the surviving spouse always die w/o the spouse that dies first? I wouldn't worry too much about that one right now! Baby steps. Get through the D (if that is what ends up happening), get past the needy loneliness that typically follows a D, rebuild your life infrastructure, and THEN when you are a whole person again - set some goals about new R's.
If doing this stuff "for the kids" was that important, why did you (WAW) alter the landscape of the family forever? (anger)
Hi FLTC,
Ha, the kids seem to become a convenient excuse for the WAW's who are cake walkers, but as they say, "We teach people how to treat us", so at some point you have to put your foot down and say enough!
I know your heart aches for your kids. If someone has never had kids they've had the luxury of being able to live a selfish life and have never had to consider what the impact of their choice would mean. For people in our situation I'll never be able to understand how our spouses can justify their actions. Putting our children first is all we've ever known. Now we find ourselves at this place where we face the issue of how "normal" do we make this for them. The truth is their lives will never be the same for them, no matter how badly you want to protect them. Spending holidays like you used to is just going through the motions. At the end of the day you will still be a severed family. The good thing is that their comes a point when this just doesn't work for us and we've had enough. You sound like you're already facing that conclusion.
I'm not totally sure of your kids ages, but the truth of the matter is that they get to a place where they don't want us to play house. It hurts them everytime they have to come back to reality and wave goodbye yet again, plus they are always worried about our feelings and stepping on someones toes. Maybe for you it's best to start some new traditions with your kids. Christmas #2 post separation was when I said enough and although it has taken a couple of Christmases to get to a totally "happy place", this Christmas was without a doubt the best 1 yet. It seems like it was more peaceful and certainly less stressful.
Go with your heart. There is nothing that says you have to do it the way ex deems fit. There are consequences and she is the one that brought them on!
I agree 100% with Bethie, I had to CHANGE alot of things because it was to painful for ME, didn't have to take away anything from my kids, just changed. That way I protected myself from more hurt and did what was right for the kids too.
My advice, don't continue the traditions with W. You and the kids need to start your own traditions. Let them take part in planning the new stuff. They'll love it!!!
Also, this way, you won't have to worry about what to do when a new person enters you life. You'll already have your traditions set up. Continuing the traditions w/W is just delaying the inevitable.
As far as I can tell, D. is the end result here for me. That being said, I can see W. "inviting me" to certain functions we used to do as a family, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, ...
Why are you even going there?
Deal with the now, not the might be. You've just been presented with a positive way to handle the now, with how your wife treats you. Rather than focus on that positive, you've decided to mentally run away, and depress yourself with anti what-if thoughts?
Snap out of it, man. You're a soldier. I would think you should know better. Deal with the present threat, or you're going to get your head blow off NOW, not in the future. Am i right, or what?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I agree with Dom, but I probably would have said it a little more tactfully. The right now thing you need to do is take care of yourself in your present situation. Then, when you come home, take care of the rest.
My X walked out on us, but there's no doubt in my mind that he loves his kids. He knows, I know, and the boys know that he squandered his family and lost his mind.
My boys were almost 13 when H left and they turned 18 last week. I've been extremely careful of their well being since the breakup. I want them whole. I want them to have a sense of being able to view marriage as a good thing - relationships as a good thing.
I've kept my guy out of their lives for the most part. I've slowly introduced him to them and do that because I feel it's right. They know he's in my life, but right now they come first. That's just the way it is. They'll be gone soon. Your kids are getting older too. They'll be grown and gone soon. All you have to do is keep that in mind and do what's best for them.
Last week the X came to my house for the boys' birthday. It is not the house they grew up in. It's the place I bought as a result of the D. I don't think I could go back there for any function X would have, but I also don't think X would take the time out of his busy life to have anything for them. So i don't have to worry about that.
The anger fades FL. If we love our children, it's important that we understand that they loved both of us. It's important that we don't make them more unhappy than they already are because of the D.
Don;'t worry too much about what might happen in the future. Besides, the house you currently have might end up sold because of the D.
It's important that we don't make them more unhappy than they already are because of the D.
FLTC, what are your plans with the children in April? I would think it would be important to focus on how you are going to act with them. My nephew (who was in high school when his parents divorced) said the one thing that he still resents is how his dad always was so sad and kept saying "it would have been better if your mother didn't leave". He told me if I could do one thing that would help D17 the most is not to act that way.
That won't be easy.....but what can we do to help you between now and April to prepare you for being with your children? How can you avoid talking about their mother and the impact on your life??? Is there a standard line you can use to change the subject? It's ok to vent here, but not in front of the children!
Were you just venting - and all of us came along with FIX IT advice!
Let me try again...
Vacilating between anger and confusion is tough. And it is tough going though all this while being a stable parent for your kids.
You have brought up a a broad spectrum of D related issues that are unfortunately a part of the D rollercoaster.
Vent away as you need to. It is clear that you understand the issues involved. You will do fine - have faith that the issues will sort themselves out in your head as they become relevant during the different phases of the D.
Feel free to ask for what you want in your post - Fixit Advise wanted, Empathy Wanted or please just LISTEN!
