CONTACTING OW/OW'S HUSBAND

[Rob1231]

Rob1231,
I don't think that I understand piecing but does it mean that you've made it through to another level where you and your S are working at continuing you M?

Hi kikidee,

Yep, that's what most of us on the DB boards usually refer to as "Piecing." The worst of the crisis is over, the walk-away spouse is either recommitted or at least moving steadily in that direction, and the DBer has come to the realization "Shucks, there is still a lot of work to do in order to rebuild my marriage into a strong, healthy, lasting relationship."

But honestly, don't sweat it - which of the boards you post on isn't nearly as important as what you post and what you do with the responses you get.

You are right that it is all happening so fast. I don't even know which way is up right now. If it weren't for not being able to leave work right now, I would have taken the kids somewhere far, far away for a bit to try to reconnect with them and my own inner self.

I know how you feel - that phase where it feels like things are spinning wildly out of your control is scary. But, don't feel like you have to make a huge, dramatic gesture like taking the kids away for a week. Give yourself permission to take this in much smaller steps - baby steps. Set an easy goal - even if it is just "I will find a way to spend five minutes of quality time with the kids today, connecting with them for just that long and forgetting about the craziness in my M." Work on that until you succeed - and then rejoice in that little victory, and do it again. When you are ready, make it 10 minutes a day. And go easy on yourself if you have a day when you can't manage it at all - that happens too, and it's OK.

So when you say, try to slow things down... please give me your thoughts on this. You sound like you're in a much more rational state of mind than I am.

Here's the deal. Your H (and my W, once upon a time, and lots of other WAS's in the sitches here) is going to tell you that everything in your life is on a fast train to the Big D. They will say that they are 100% sure of their actions, that there is no hope at all, and that it's best for everyone to just get it all over with as quickly as possible. And they will actually expect you to respond with "Oh, gee, honey, now that you've explained it so simply to me, I'll be happy to go along with this idiotic plan of yours! Thanks!"

There are a couple of problems here. First, I have NEVER seen a sitch where the WAS was as certain of their direction as they portrayed themselves. Often, they are struggling with a MLC - meaning they are wandering in a fog of hurt, confusion and depression. They do NOT know what they want - they just have this hopeless feeling that "but it sure isn't THIS." However, they are scared to admit to themselves that they are lost - and they SURE are not going to admit that to us!

Second, even if a D is where things will end up - it's going to take a lot longer than they imagine. And every day that it drags out is a day that you can keep DBing, working on your PMA, Getting A Life, and hoping they will shake off their craziness and get back to normal.

So what's your strategy? Don't help with their plan. If they want to split up - make them do all the tough work involved in that. If they want to get a D - make them file. Put all of the painful, time-consuming, tough-to-do stuff right on their shoulders, which is frankly where it belongs. Have an attitude of "I'm not going to stop you, but I'm sure as heck not going to help you do this either." As often as not, you will find that a depressed person hasn't got much energy for making the divorce happen.

And that gives you TIME. One of my favorite sayings about DBing is "Time and Patience are your new best friends." Use them!

Hope that helps!
Rob