Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Your H is the only one who can give himself the confidence to "feel" these things, Sage. I can't imagine that you are not "showing" him this already.

jethro -- I think it's the same push/pull I feel for myself...on the one hand I KNOW that I need to "feel" my own strength/love/understanding on my own steam...on the other, I KNOW that I need to be in a R. that nurtures, not compromises my ability to feel those things (in other words, it's my responsibility to grow but it's not unrealistic to expect to do that in a R. that is not detrimental to my growth). Honestly??? I think that there are MANY occasions, past and present, when my fears and anxieties keep me from responding to H. in a way that is nurturing to him. I'd LIKE to think that the "present" times are MUCH fewer and farther between than they used to be...but I still find myself stuck on occasion...working on it.

I just started an interesting book (the title/author escapes me). The premise of this book states that each time a couple has a significant conflict, it gives them the opportunity to either grow or become more entrenched in their "habits." For the folks on this BB, I believe we have recognized something in ourselves, and have grown. Most of our Ses have yet to do this. Some already have. Perhaps your H is in the process of evolving... Let's face it, our Ses have some catching up to do, and unless we back off a bit, we'll always be one step ahead...

I love the name of the book if you remember it....there's a definite pattern of growth for us right now, I think. Someone posted (in Newcomers?) about the frustration of hitting plateaus while DB'ing ... I think that I have definitely been on a plateau, maybe even a downward trend for the last month + ... I'm seeing some good positive movement for BOTH me and H right now...

I think, for me, I am projecting expectations on my W of what I want, but she is not yet ready to give. Do you think you might be doing the same?

I don't know. I think that my ASSumptions about what H. wants is probably fairly accurate (maybe not complete, but I think I have captured some of what he needs). It's not me restating what I need as though they were his needs...we actually differ a fair amount in HOW we feel safe, loved, nurtured, etc.

I do think that I've been frustrated over not getting what I think I need in the "way" that I need it from H. A good example is my need for reassuring words from him when I'm feeling insecure...for whatever reason, 8 out of 10 times when I ask him for verbal reassurance I don't get it. I'm not sure if it's because my request isn't clear OR if he can't give it to me because he's battling his own interpretation of the request (like, he sees my request as a judgement on HIM so he can't respond) or a thousand other things...I just know that many times, when I need words, I don't get them. Will I ever? Well, I hope that we get to a place where he's able to give them more and I'm able to ask for them less...does that make sense?

When I quiet down and "listen", I can hear my H's language and hear what he is offering to me...the problem happens when I am in my high-anxiety, low-confidence mode...my "tuners" only latch onto MY language and I miss what he's saying....

Sage