Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[Grace_O]

lmg,

I agree that you should drop it now that the message has been left.

I know this is really hard. I think you had an expectation of spending the evening with him. It takes time and alot of effort to get those expectations down (preferably to zero), but it will help YOU. Question: Does he not want to be around you (telegraphing your anger/hurt) b/c of you or him (guilt/shame)? I know I ask alot of questions (and if you find them annoying please let me know), my purpose is to get to (and honestly, myself) to look at things from a different angle. Truth be told you don't know what he's thinking or how much he's hurting. You mentioned conflict-avoidant,boy have I got some experience there. Are you aware of some of the issues that tend to go along with conflict avoidance? If not, it's something to consider.



I hope the rest of the evening goes better for you.

[newnamenewlife]

It's not about expectations--because, given how things are lately, I expected him to figure out a way to avoid coming home. What really got to me was how clumsy he was, making it obvious to D11 that something isn't right. He didn't mean to do that, but he did.

I went out for drinks with Hs cousin's wife, who is also my friend. She confirmed for me that H has been cruel and thoughtless. No one understands how he can behave this way all of a sudden.

Tomorrow we have MC and I guess we'll have to talk about what happened. I am tired of being so patient, trying to rise above and not say anything to H about the hurtful and insensitive things he has said to me. I am starting to hate this man who I loved. He is being so unlike himself and such a selfish jerk.

[Nature Girl]

(((hugs))) to you lmg!!!

I like grace's questions. She can always get you to think about things differently.

You are making me wonder about my D11. I'm at 11 months post bomb and I have assumed that neither of my kids think anything is wrong. I know 11 for girls is the start of difficult emotional times for them. My D11 is soooo very perceptive, and yet she is also soooo very good at keeping her feelings about big issues inside. She is an emotional rollercoaster in that the littlest things can create very wide emotional swings in her. Sometimes she literally is having 2-year old tantrums because I ask her to take a shower or get off the computer. But the huge things, like death, she shows completely no emotion. She didn't drop a tear when my MIL passed away. She didn't drop a tear when my grandmother passed away (the only great grandparent she knew) and when my FIL suddenly passed away the day of my grandmother's funeral, again not a tear. She would only got a little quiet and didn't want to talk about it in each instance. So I think my D has probably perceived something is amiss and keeps it all inside. What bothers me is the thought that the kids will think this is how marriage is supposed to be.

Sorry I just went off on my own tangent there!

Your H, in typical mlc fashion, probably doesn't mean to be clumsy about the signals to your D. He doesn't mean for any of this to be happening, but he feels powerless at the moment to do anything about it. It is all about him right now.

Good luck at MC tomorrow.

[Purr]

LMG,

Just wanted to let you know that in reading through your thread, I identify with so many of the thoughts and feelings you have been having. The struggle re: platonic relationship land...is this "okay" or crap or some of both. The sense of heart sinking when you connect so well and then--bam--suddenly you "remember" that they aren't "in love" with you anymore. The sense of feeling crazy--if we can still connect so well, then why are we apart like this?? I felt like I was reading my own words in some of your posts.

This is such a painful time, and it feels so desperately lonely inside. I also related to the part of feeling so strongly to want to engage sexually...for me it's not even about the sex per se, but a means to really be intimate and as close as possible physically and emotionally to my W.

Well, I don't have much wisdom to offer you...you have some great supporters with solid DB advice here. I know sometimes it has been validating to read other people's experiences and just know that, although your sitch is unique, your deepest hurts and fears are understood by many people here.

I'm about 3 months in to this rollercoaster of the heart and mind; hour by hour and day by day is the only way to do it for me. GAL is important and hard to do.

I'll check back on you later. Hang in there.

Purr

[Purr]

LMG,

Just wanted to let you know that in reading through your thread, I identify with so many of the thoughts and feelings you have been having. The struggle re: platonic relationship land...is this "okay" or crap or some of both. The sense of heart sinking when you connect so well and then--bam--suddenly you "remember" that they aren't "in love" with you anymore. The sense of feeling crazy--if we can still connect so well, then why are we apart like this?? I felt like I was reading my own words in some of your posts.

This is such a painful time, and it feels so desperately lonely inside. I also related to the part of feeling so strongly to want to engage sexually...for me it's not even about the sex per se, but a means to really be intimate and as close as possible physically and emotionally to my W.

Well, I don't have much wisdom to offer you...you have some great supporters with solid DB advice here. I know sometimes it has been validating to read other people's experiences and just know that, although your sitch is unique, your deepest hurts and fears are understood by many people here.

I'm about 3 months in to this rollercoaster of the heart and mind; hour by hour and day by day is the only way to do it for me. GAL is important and hard to do.

I'll check back on you later. Hang in there.

Purr

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks everyone.
Good to meet you, Purr, and, Grace, you do keep me on my toes!
NG, My D11 is capable of 2 year old tantrums if we ask her to take a shower too!

We've got a whole amusement park's worth of rollercoasters in my house lately.

I haven't heard back from H re: my angry message. He should be home soon. I am completely confused about how to behave in MC. I know anger and pressure backfire and don't get me closer to where I want to be with him, but it's hard to DB in MC. I will try to just listen and validate, I guess. My hurt over some of the things he has said is really bubbling over lately, though. I want him to be accountable and acknowledge what he is doing.

[newnamenewlife]

lmg,

You mentioned conflict-avoidant,boy have I got some experience there. Are you aware of some of the issues that tend to go along with conflict avoidance? If not, it's something to consider.

What issues go along with conflict-avoidant?

[newnamenewlife]

Well, MC was emotional and bad and despite my resolve not to react and get upset, I did. I said F**K you to H, told him to get out if he didn't want me. I now hate myself for losing it, but there you go. It happened.

When I told him he should leave, he said "OK I guess the girls and I will go live in a small studio apt somewhere and you can rattle around in the house."

I can't believe he said that. I wanted to beat him to a pulp. He thinks he's going to both leave our M AND get the girls??

So I did every single thing you're not supposed to do, once again.
At the end of the session, I said to H "OK, I give up. I'm not going to fight you tooth and nail on this anymore. I surrender."

I know that I've been pushing, doing all the wrong things, and I think I am really ready to drop the rope--or at least loosen my grip. The hard part is that our Ds now have us under a microscope. H can't and won't leave anytime soon and we can't tell them we're having marital troubles--believe me, D11 would worry herself into the ground and ask us again and again if things were better. It's not fair to keep them in suspense like that. But do we kiss hello and goodbye and do all that stuff for them still? I just don't know what's best for them.

I have struggled a lot, as you all know, for the past 4 mos. I really think that now I am ready to be a better DBer, at least I hope so.

[Going Solo]

lmg, what did the counselor say during all of this? Normally, a MC session would be the best place for episodes like this because it should be a controlled environment.

[Nature Girl]

lmg, don't hate yourself for losing it!! (((hugs))) you are only human.

hopefully it released some "stuff" or anger for you. can you apologize to him for it?

I know it doesn't seem fair, but you have a chance to show him the wonderful, self-controlled person you can be since he can't/won't leave anytime soon.

I'm not sure what to say about the kissing hello and goodbye for the kids sake. That is tuff. Does your H seem comfortable with the kisses? Maybe you can get back to the joking aspect again?