Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

Well, MC was emotional and bad and despite my resolve not to react and get upset, I did. I said F**K you to H, told him to get out if he didn't want me. I now hate myself for losing it, but there you go. It happened.

When I told him he should leave, he said "OK I guess the girls and I will go live in a small studio apt somewhere and you can rattle around in the house."

I can't believe he said that. I wanted to beat him to a pulp. He thinks he's going to both leave our M AND get the girls??

So I did every single thing you're not supposed to do, once again.
At the end of the session, I said to H "OK, I give up. I'm not going to fight you tooth and nail on this anymore. I surrender."

I know that I've been pushing, doing all the wrong things, and I think I am really ready to drop the rope--or at least loosen my grip. The hard part is that our Ds now have us under a microscope. H can't and won't leave anytime soon and we can't tell them we're having marital troubles--believe me, D11 would worry herself into the ground and ask us again and again if things were better. It's not fair to keep them in suspense like that. But do we kiss hello and goodbye and do all that stuff for them still? I just don't know what's best for them.

I have struggled a lot, as you all know, for the past 4 mos. I really think that now I am ready to be a better DBer, at least I hope so.