Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

Thank you for your insight - you are probably right in that I am looking for negatives. I guess that may be to protect myself, to keep myself from being too disappointed if it all falls apart. Call it my emotional insurance policy and maybe it's part of my detachment, but the more I get excited by the positives, the more my sitch distracts me from GALing, and the more devastated I feel when H does withdraw again. I must admit to having been very dependent on H in the past, and it is a very slippery slope for me back in that direction.

I'm not a patient person by nature, but I am digging deep, trying to develop that quality in myself. It is very frustrating to feel him withdrawing after reconnecting, and baffling b/c it's usually after we have a great time together that he pulls way back. But I can see how my not pressuring him is giving him the space to come to me, instead of me chasing him and him running away.

I remember reading something about distancer/pursuer relationships and I clearly see that my M was very much one of those - me being the pursuer and H being the distancer. I'm trying to switch our roles a bit, not to become the distancer, but to stop pursuing so that he has no reason to distance himself - very much like the bunny analogy I explained to my D who wants to make friends w/ someone in her class (a boy - ugh!).

H left yesterday to volunteer at a ski race out of town, and I have not called or text him at all since Mon pm. He sent me 2 texts yesterday am (I didn't reply as I had forgotten my cell at home), called & left a voicemail at work (I didn't call back), called the house last night (we talked pleasantly for a few minutes) and called me this morning from the mountain (again we talked for a few minutes). He also left a funny note to D and I at the house when he dropped off her stuff from staying at his place over the w/end - lots of happy faces, x's & o's and ILY's for both of us. That was actually the thing that made me feel the most positive - somehow leaving a note seems more significant that making a phone call. Maybe it's just me.

My fear (yes, again w/ my fears) is that this is as good as it gets, that this is what he wants in a R w/ me and nothing more and I will have to choose if this is good enough for me or if I need more (I already know that this is not enough for me). My fear is that I will either hang on so long waiting for him to come home that I will come to beleive this is all there is; or that I will eventually decide to move on and only at that point will he (maybe) come out of it and it will be too late b/c I've moved on.

Yes, he is showing positive signs, but sometimes I almost feel as though I'm being thrown a bone every now and then to keep me just hungry enough to not give up on him. But he may not even realize what he's doing, and I'm quite certain he does not know what is going on w/ him. How strong am I? I guess that's the question.

I know I shouldn't complain b/c I have it so much better than so many others here - I have contact, communication, he calls, he makes a few reference to the future (home improvements, etc.) and he does say ILY regularly. But we all live in our own worlds and though we share our thoughts and feelings, we still have to carry our own cross and no matter where you are in your sitch, it seems a very heavy weight to bear. I hope someday to be one of the "successes" who comes back to cheer on those who are still in the trenches, and I will, you can bet on it.

Boy does that ever suck about your shoulder - did you injure it? I can't recall if you said you were going to the gym, but that is the worst part of trying to get back in shape - you almost always end up overdoing it and injuring yourself and backsliding. I have been trying really hard not to let that happen but I know I've pulled something (hamstring?) and I can't make it go away. Hopefully physio will fix you up soon. I haven't been able to do much running, and my race season starts end of April so I've got to get serious about getting my leg better soon. Going to yoga today to get in a good stretch.

Mike, it sounds like you are finally detaching. I've been thinking about your posts over the past few months, and I definitely see you untangling yourself from your W's MLC and I read less pain in your words. It really is not about us, and I think that is what I needed to realize in order to finally understand what I need to do to detach. The MLCer is only focused on themselves and not anyone else; the LBS is also only focused on the MLCer and not on themselves. That's just way too much energy being directed to one thing and that's not right in a metaphysical sense.

I admire your courage to go out to the bowling alley to see if you run into someone. I have not had the courage to go out on my own, though I worry about what kind of attention I would attract. I do go to the gym and for coffee by myself. I've been dying to just go out to a restaurant/lounge on my own, sit up at the bar and talk to the bartender - like those confident ladies do in the movies. I don't want to get picked up (ick), just practice talking to new people. Maybe that'll be my next month's GALing goal. I figure if I concentrate on one big GAL goal a month and really try, I may be able to actually accomplish it and have it feel comfortable, instead of rushing out in all directions feeling like I don't have my heart in it.

Take care. Hope your physiotherapist is some cute, strong young thing and not some big hairy guy named Bruno!!

FA