I'd be more than happy to do this wherever I live, but NOT at my old house, where there are so many great memories of the kids growing up.....
I have NO interest in doing this, under any circumstances. I love my kids dearly, but this would rip my heart out. I feel like I'm selfish, but looking at the bigger picture, I want no part of destruction of my family. (there's the confusion part). I go between feeling guilty for "holding the kids hostage", and wanting to just shake my wife, and scream at her, and call her a self-absorbed, self-centered bit&h!!!!!(sorry, ladies...)
I use to struggle with what I thought I "should" do and what I actually felt I had the capacity to do.
There was a time when I was all about keeping everyone else happy - but me. I didn't even bother to look at my own limitations, ploughed forward, felt like a doormat, and resentful. I could not keep up what I "should" do on a long term consistent basis and the longer I ignored my own needs, the more pissy and reactive I became.
These days I figure out my own limitations and what I CAN give while taking care of me.
Bottom line, you are not being selfish. To the contrary I think you are being healthy figuring out your own limitations and giving what you can. You are NOT saying - NO CELEBRATIONS. You are just setting the terms of what works for you.
It is possible that with time, as the D stuff fades, you may be able to modify the definition of what you CAN do. But for now, you are doing fine.
As for dying alone. Doesn't the surviving spouse always die w/o the spouse that dies first? I wouldn't worry too much about that one right now! Baby steps. Get through the D (if that is what ends up happening), get past the needy loneliness that typically follows a D, rebuild your life infrastructure, and THEN when you are a whole person again - set some goals about new R's.
