Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Morning folks,

Well, yesterday ended well -- dinner (grilled shrimp for me and grilled burgers for h) was great. We lounged around and watched a movie then NYPD blue. H was affectionate the whole night.

Woke up this morning and we both went to the gym. I've gotten an "in bed hug" two mornings in a row (a kiss each day, too!). This makes me feel so wonderful. I had been missing that affection SO much.

H is off to his old job today...maybe tomorrow too. I don't know how he's feeling about it...I didn't bring it up. I'm handling it all ok right now.

Came face to face with one of the root causes of my anxiety this morning reading another M. newsgroup -- someone was "role playing" what a person whose S. had cheated might be thinking...in it the person said something like "I wish I could stop feeling as though he has one foot out the door. I know that I have to let my guard down to heal this marriage but it feels impossible when I wonder every day if today is the day he's leaving".

Couldn't have summed up my feelings more perfectly. H's "well, I'm here now, aren't I?" stance isn't comforting to me... I wish that I had words of reassurance from him that he is interested in working on the M. But I don't, and I won't, so I'm sitting in the garden of fear and insecurity and anxiety. And it ends up being too easy for me to think "I have to protect myself here -- through distance or anger or leaving first -- emotionally or physically -- before he leaves me".

Of course, none of that gets me closer to my goal, right?

So, I'm trying to bravely face the fear. Not dismissing it, not judging it (or me!), just sitting with it.

I am afraid that H. has one foot out the door. I am afraid that without some focus from him on fixing our M that it will not be healed. I am afraid that if I give myself fully, he will leave anyway. I am afraid to expose myself. I am afraid to open my heart fully.

I know that if I don't, I will not be giving my all to M or H. I know that I have to take the leap -- allowing for the possibility that I may lose everything -- if I'm going to win anything.

I am afraid of being hurt.

I've been listening to a John Gray tape -- the first one was hokey but the second one is pretty good -- talking about blockers to "success". It talks about "distance" or "don't care" attitudes as being a mask for feeling as though you cannot have what you truly want. I wonder if that's what's behind H's stance -- could it be that he's pulled away from M and family because he doesn't think that he can have the kind of M that he really wants?

What does he want? I think he wants to be loved unconditionally, to exist in peace, to be understood, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be loved, to be needed, to be important, to not be immersed in conflict, to be admired, to be successful. What else? Can I give him those things? Can I do it in the face of all of my fear and anxiety?

Boy, I'm babbling on, no?

As for the good things that happened yesterday -- well, the day was chock full of them -- something forward looking...H made a plan for us for Thurs. night -- after my final exam, I'm going to meet him for drinks! I LOVE that he made the plan, I LOVE that he wants to celebrate or commiserate on my final. I LOVE him.

Sage-of-the-longwinded-post