What's this about...??

[saffie]

Makes perfect sense Bomb. I was actually watching a programme last night all about different types of 'self help' and Jung's theory was discussed EXACTLY as you are describing.

Now, turning to this F-Buddy business. Not that I am advocating doing it BUT I was pretty much in the place you are with my H sex wise before I found out about his A. I was acting like your W is doing. My guilt about not having sex was putting pressure on me and I can remember talking to a friend about how it would take the heat off if H had an A and just kept on bringing home the money etc. The person I was talking to would never have told my H and I never said that to his face, (as far as I can remember).

But hey, when he told me he had had a F-Buddy for 18 months, boy did my libido kick back in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how you can get your W to the same stage without such drastic action. To be honest, until I was told it was happening I don't know what it would have taken to change me.

You know Bomb, from other stuff I have said to you , that I WAS already changing and in therapy, so perhaps I do myself a diservice in saying it was the A that brought the libido back - maybe it wasn't JUST that, but it was a factor.

Control of money and sex - hmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

I guess mostly women control the sex, but if a guy doesn't want sex what can a girl do - and I mean REALLY not want sex here guys so no drawings or in depth examples, ( I do have kids - I have some experience of getting my own way; and I can do tricks ;)). Go to the SSM boards - it does happen that way round. But hey, for our purposes, lets agree the women control the sex but surely the highest earner controls the money at the end of the day?

Let me explain where I am going with this. In my sitch, I may run my own part time consultancy but our by far largest source of income comes from my H. He earns pretty big bucks. However, I have for most of our M controlled the money. I have paid the bills done the budget etc. This has given me certain freedoms - I'm the one who controls the spare cash and knew how much there was. I never stopped H purchasing anything but he would check in with me on the big purchases. He even kept his A costs on the company budget, (how thoughtful :/. The only private money spent on OW was one gift of a silver 'last Rollo' paid for by MY credit card . I kinda think H was trying to get caught :()

However, even though I was doing all the money 'stuff' I always felt as though H was telling me off for spending too much money- on clothes and stuff for the kids and my horse etc. Basically he still had control, as if he knew I had spent too much he would threaten to move his pay into an account in just his name. The fact that he didn't even know his way to the bank and hadn't opened a bank statement in around 15 years meant I didn't sweat it too much, plus all savings were in my name only, but he still had the upper hand and acted like my DAD. And I bought into it. Bomb - your W is only one step away from where I was in that she doesn't do the money so can't hide purchases as easily - but she does appear to use you as her conscience and BLAME you for it too.

Our way around that one is to now do the money TOGETHER. I hate it - I always think we are going to argue but it is never as bad as I anticipate. I am sure my H is biting his tongue the whole time and goes into a padded cell and screams afterwards but he is being great about it. First time was real funny though as he was so shocked at how much everything was - I forgot that I had automatically halved the price of anything I bought when I had told him about it for the last goodness knows how long. He nearly made me a widow first month we did it from having a cardiac!!!!!

H has also started to see the correlation between me being unhappy and me spending - it's definitely in his interests to keep me happy!!!

Somehow your W needs to stop seeing you as the parent and her the child when it comes to money.