Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Here's my horoscope for today:

I thought about you quite a lot while I was away. I began to wonder whether you really knew how much things were due to change after mid-June. So I made a mental note to myself. “When you get back, frame the current Gemini forecast in that long-term context.” Right now, much is uncertain and turbulent. That’s appropriate. You are preparing to break free of a psychological strait-jacket that you have been wearing for far too long. A time of struggle and restriction is ending. A time of great adventure lies just around the corner.

Had a crappy night last night of my own doing -- h and I went to play pool (he's teaching me) and then out to dinner. During dinner I asked him something about softball(not the same team that ow used to be on) then I asked him if I had made him uncomfortable by bringing softball up. of course, I couldn't let anything go, and ended up feeling weird and uncomfortable and untrusting. Then, "Six Feet Under" included "the bomb" for two of the characters and even though THAT ended ok I just felt completely freaked me out so I told h that I wished I didn't feel so insecure -- silence from him. Reminder to self -- cannot ask h for reassurance (verbal). anyway, it was crappy.

TODAY on the other hand was awesome. I called in sick to work (marriage health day!) and we went hiking for 3+ hours on a very tough trail -- then went to a matinee, a quick lunch, ran some errands and we're going to relax (after grilling) with a movie tonight (and of course, NYPD Blue if it's on). It's been one of those days that's just terrific.

So...what's the difference for me? Is it just being with H makes everything better? when I'm at work I work myself into a frenzy? I realized this morning that I'm making myself miserable AND I'm making him miserable. I find myself back to my old crappy habits of trusting nothing and questioning everything. Who wants to live like that?

I have to make myself better. I don't know how I'm going to do it...maybe it's enough to "do what works" and keep my PMA high. Also, to Chuck's point, I gotta keep building my life outside of my M.

Anyway, that's my story.

Sage