Beginning again like a newbie

[Valentine]

Sweets we all go through these times...I know you are sorry how you handled things...but the important thing is that you can see that and that you are talking to your children about it and encouraging them to make their own choices, etc. Your H left them too...and although he sees them, they KNOW he left them as well. There is nothing you can do about that.

If the R with your kids and him is going to heal, then he must also do his part. Do not take the responsibility for this. Your H must also learn that he has damaged the R with your kids and HE must work to mend those broken fences as well.

Alison, don't be made to feel overly guilty about this. You have been struggling with your own feelings as well as those of your kids PLUS dealing with the fallout of you H leaving and throwing everything in your lap.

I think you are doing great, mama! This too shall pass....just keep saying that to yourself....

Smooches,
Valentine

[ACJ]

GS

Not being American I have no idea whether that joke is funny or not

Vali

Thanks for your support. I'm not worrying anymore about the recent past, I've made my decision in that regard and I am sticking to it. I reaaly don't know why I feel like this.

[Going Solo]

It's part of the grieving process. Even when you're still Standing, you go through it as your body and mind adjust to the major change.

[BeingMe]

Maybe, it's because there was still a small feeling of hope that your H would make the choice to come home. And, perhaps your heart and mind knows that that's not going to happen any time soon, and you are fighting it a bit??? I think you should acknowledge how you are feeling and then envision the sadness/depression/negativity floating away. Just realise (this was one of my big epiphanies in life), that life is just too short to hang onto something that just won't be hung onto. Hope that makes sense. There's a big, wide world out there that still needs to be discovered (or, rediscovered), and so many new people to meet, and so many interesting stuff to learn, and do. It all goes on, with or without your H.

'Eh! I hope I haven't made you feel worse. Maybe another li'l joke might help?


Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

and

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."


Made me giggle a bit.

[Was2sad]

Alison

I couldn't be happier for you and your dinner party guests, or more proud of you and your progress. Now, why are you feeling down? Maybe just because it is part of the roller coaster. I really hope you won't try to read more into than that, or over analyze it.

Maybe it is something of an over correction. Consider that rule "for every action there is a reaction". You had some really up beat "highs" with the party and friends. Maybe you expected to feel some "highs" when you spoke to the kids and tried to improve their R with their dad, and it didn't happen. Coming back down to normal might have left you feeling like you just had a big emotional dip in the roller coaster. Please don't focus on that.

Take some time to read your recent posts and highlight the things that stand out as positives. Make plans to repeat the positives. Focus on the positives. Even if it means that you work your student to death

I remember when you began trying to test the waters of GAL. You had scheduling difficulties with friends. Local bars weren't open when you were free to go out. Restaurants were not convenient or you couldn't arrange company. You couldn't leave the kids at home. So many things stood in your way. And work was not good.

Look how you have changed these things. Look how you have changed. You are still on the roller coaster but you have taken more control of the ride. Please continue to do this, and give yourself the gift of time and patience.

(((Alison)))

[ACJ]

, perhaps your heart and mind knows that that's not going to happen any time soon, and you are fighting it a bit???

You may well be right here BM I don't know. I like your idea of the vision I will try this.

I did get your jokes!

[ACJ]

W2S,
Your posts are always so philosophical and I like that. Thank you.

Take some time to read your recent posts and highlight the things that stand out as positives. Make plans to repeat the positives. Focus on the positives. Even if it means that you work your student to death

I do plan on repeating some of these positives but right now I need to get my priorities in order and partying can't be top of my list

Look how you have changed these things. Look how you have changed

You are right I made all of these changes happen for (and by) myself.


/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ - please fill in all these slashes with the strongest expletives you know! H just called round to take the girls out for a coffee. Originally it was just D12 but when he realised D17 was here he invited her too (this is a positive). A few days ago I opened a letter for him (I've been opening all the mail that comes for him for the past 12 months as most of it is junk but I don't want to throw away important stuff). It was a share dividend and had a cheque attached. I was going to just deposit it in his bank account (took the details off the cheques he has been giving me) but decided he might not take kindly to that. So I gave it to him tonight. He queried why it was open and I gave the explanation that I have just given here. He said he wasn't very happy with that and he would prefer that I not do it. I said ok I will stop but you will have to come by and open it yourself more frequently than you were doing b/c I don't want all the (mainly) junk building up. He said 'Well I see S15 every week'. I know this isn't true (unless of course S15 is seeing his dad w/o telling me) and said as far as I know no you don't. However I don't wish to argue with you and I have given it to you now. I then carried on with sorting my own mail out that I received today (most of which was also for the shredder!)

So it seems that even when I try to do the 'right' thing it's wrong. I'll probably get another letter from his L forbidding me to open his mail etc etc. If he wants to waste his money like that this is fine by me.

The interesting thing is that even though these shares are in his name I know it is his mum paying for them and hence are really her shares. The company he works for offer their employees shares every year at a reduced cost and many years ago we couldn't afford to invest at that time so he offered the opportunity to his mum. I suppose he is worried that I will tell my L about them. I don't intend doing that as I wouldn't do that to my MIL however what I don't think he has thought about is that after the move he took over his own affairs the other week that these shares and other money that is really his mother's but in an account in his name really need changing over the rightful owner b/c if God forbid something happened to him before her she would not have access or claim to her own money!

I wanted to say all this to him but didn't. He's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want me in his life (or in the life of his family if he had anything to do with it) so I will not interfer. Neither will i say 'told you so' if he ever comes home.

[BeingMe]

Perhaps you can forward his mail to his address, including the junk mail? Why does he not have his mail sent to where he lives, anyway? Weird!

[ACJ]

Why does he not have his mail sent to where he lives, anyway? Weird!

That is what I would like to know. Would be difficult for me to have all his mail forwarded as although some of it still has his name on they are bills paid for by me. I haven't changed some things as it meant closing accounts etc and loosing services for weeks at a time. When they already come out of my bank (and always have done) it's easier that way.

[Elliecat]

I would suggest you talk to your L about this one. If you are having bills addressed to H but you are paying for them then that doesn't seem quite right. Although it may take a bit of changing you are going to have to do it in the end and to be honest now is as good a time as ever. You will need your H permission to change the name on the account but it shouldn't stop the service. I know I swapped our BT account over and other utility bills (that won't take joint names!) and it didn't affect the service at all. Another little step in letting go and taking control. This week has been hell here with my eldest D taken ill Mon night, hospital wed am, appendix out wed night, younger D birthday yesterday and eldest D home from hospital today (and it's half term!!). I feel totally wiped out! Hang on in there Ali you are doing great.