Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

I'm considering coming up with a coded system (perhaps some acronyms?) to describe my moods -- why? Because it seems as though I've been cycling through the same dozen or so for months... It may be easier and more efficient to throw out a couple of initials like (DBIDKHTBAGW-- Depressed Because I Don't Know How To Be A Good Wife) than to type the same stuff over and over again.

It seems doubly efficient when one considers how quickly my moods can change...it shouldn't take me longer to TYPE how I'm feeling than the time it actually takes me to FEEL it.

So...today IS one of those days when I'm DBIDKHTBAGW -- why? Ah, who the heck knows? It tends to happen when I'm not in full-blown anxiety mode OR full-blown anger mode -- more like I'm feeling sort of OK about myself, pretty good about the weekend, repentent for all of the bad stuff I've done to contribute to our marital woes, feeling a bit like H might be reaching out/being tender/etc and just freaking feeling inadequate in how to meet his needs, be "the ow" in his life now.

What did she offer him? Why was their relationship so conversation (face2face, email, IM, etc) based? Can I get that too? Is that what he wants now? Did she offer him hope? Unconditional love? A constant listening ear? Did she offer him confidence or meekness? Assertiveness or acquiescence? Bold sexiness or innocence?

Is it enough to harken back to a time when I was who he fell in love with? who was that? It was 17 years ago for crying out loud...I was 19 years old! Or, be the person he married? Looking back on it, I'm not so sure he'd want that person back.

So many of the things that I think I want/need to get back in my life (confidence, comfortableness in being me, reasonable assertiveness, etc) seem almost impossible to pull out of the muck.....How to feel confident and self-assured when I'm wondering why my H had an a and wondering if she's still in the picture?

Ah, well, we covered this ground on Friday when I was DIAMWAAHB (Deeply Insecure About My Worth As A Human Being) I'm NOT actually there today....today I'm feeling MUCH stronger but still confused.

What good things have happened today so far? H called this AM -- had already checked out a billiards place that we had talked about going to....when we were getting off the phone, said "ILY" very earnestly and lovingly. I'm grateful for those moments.

Sage