Do you go to counseling? I tell you what it has been so wonderful for me. AND MY KIDS. they don't go near as much as me but it has helped all of us.
We were going, me to a psychiatrist, and D13 and S9 to a Child and Family counselor, but haven't been able to since late October/early November since that is when H drastically cut funds. Cannot afford it right now.
Also not sure how much it was helping. Probably because then I was still so focused on H and saving the M. Not focused on ME. I mean, I did look back and examine how I had contributed to problems in our marriage, and things I now know I wasn't paying attention to or should have done differently, but I didn't focus on how to move forward for ME. For how to stop simply hoping and start living for NOW.
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Figuring out US alone is NEW. 20 plus years with someone is a long time. I KNOW - and just like you a struggle with the same questions....How can ow be fulfiling you? What happened to the man I loved? Why her not me?
Oh jeez' I could go on and on. Last night I couldn't get to sleep. ALL I saw was "visions of ow and H" making love and worse than that talking, hugging and being together. IT WAS KILLER and thinking about it right now is doing me no good...SO STOPPPING..."thought you have not served me well so leave!!!"
Yep, right there with ya. Been there, done that. I've tried the thought stopping a few times and haven't been that successful. I'm glad to hear it's helping you. I need to try it again and keep at it.
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THEY ARE WATCHING and it IS NOT FAIR but the fact is that they are and to be honest the OUTCOME of them is heavily on our shoulders. My d11 is with me 95% of the time. The 4 days a week she spends with him is not near enough ....but see MY CONSISTANCY, MY FAITH IN GOD that I WILL BE OK that WE WILL BE OK is what she sees day in and day out.
I guess for me that's one of the scariest things about this whole mess. I keep thinking, what if I'm not enough? Their dad is messing with their heads, and what if I'm so damaged myself that I can't keep myself together, much less help them keep it together? What if I mess them up even worse?
I KNOW I need to turn it over to God and have faith. I KNOW that's why I need to work on ME.
But, dang! This is HARD!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
