What's this about...??

[Jeanette1120]

I have to agree Sleepy One...

and he said he was shy

I'm not buying it at all.

Hmph!

[saffie]

And I thought you were going to bed!!!!!

[bombardier50]

Way back many years ago when I was getting my masters degree (...in counseling...a lot of good it's done in my sitch!), I took a class in cognitive behavior theory. I remember the teach talking about how introverts will gradually learn to adapt and live in an extroverted world. They will find a way to overcome their shyness and come out of their shell, but will still feel uncomfortable in, or avoid situations where they will be in the company of a lot of people they don't know. That's me. Few things make me more uncomfortable than entering a room full of people I don't know.

By the way, Jeanette, you really fogged up my reading glasses with your little blankie and bottle of wine idea. Whew! Down boy...

And before you all get gushy about what a nice guy I am, let's take a look at where I'm at right now. Sure, MLC isn't about me, but I haven't been the greatest marriage partner, either. I got lazy. I figured if we'd been married for 23 years, I didn't have to work at it anymore. So the romancing stopped. Sex became more of a release than an act of love. And with the kids out of the house, I became a little self-centered. Now of course, none of these behaviors plunged my wife into MLC, but they didn't help, either. I'm no golden boy.

But you guys make me feel good, anyway.

So...sleeper. Did you feel compelled to do something masculine after you experienced that feeling? I still tear up over the "You complete me" scene in Jerry Maguire. I then feel compelled to change the channel to ESPN, drink a beer, smoke a cigar, adjust my crotch...etc.

And now...what you've all been waiting for...MC session #5!

Oooops...gotta go to work...

No worries. Today's a slow day. I'll catch you all up between appointments. I'm dying to hear your feedback, because it was VERY interesting.

Later folks...

Bomb

[Zebra]

Bomb,

You are a wise and honest man. Your ability to understand and admit and accept your contributions to your situation is so very important, this is key. My understanding of DB/DR is that it's essence is to do more of what works and stop doing what doesn't work. One cannot "do something different" if one will not admit their behaviors that don't work (that have lead to the mistakes that have lead to the breakdown) that they must change.

Keep up the good work.

z

[Jeanette1120]

Tap tap tap.....

I remember the teach talking about how introverts will gradually learn to adapt and live in an extroverted world. They will find a way to overcome their shyness and come out of their shell, but will still feel uncomfortable in, or avoid situations where they will be in the company of a lot of people they don't know.

Interesting. Very interesting.

Why do I suddenly feel compelled to research this more???

Ok Bomb, unfog those glasses and tell me...do you find it easier to put your feelings down in words vs talking?

I believe you mentioned your W saying your not spontaneous enough? Although a fabulous trip to the Vineyards would be lovely it would not be spontaneous. Thus the blanket and wine scenario. HOWEVER, since you live in Coldsville, USA that would not be quite an option for you this time of year. Ahem, I happen to live in the tropics of South Florida

Hey...I think it's smashing that you can adjust your crotch and adjust your mind at the same time. (trying not to be gushy here) It takes alot of effort and ability on your part to clear out the cobwebs of complacenty and realize that "Hey! Maybe I have something to do with this"? and what can I do to "step things up a notch"? Yippeee!

And now...what you've all been waiting for...MC session #5!

Oooops...gotta go to work...

ha
ha

[saffie]

CBT is very interesting. It's a big buzz thing over here at the moment and something our Government is promising to put more money into over here.

It has helped me loads.

Bomb - you are a dark horse - is there anything you haven't done a bit of? You amaze me. Your W doesn't stand a chance between you and your MC!!!!!

Jeanette - I agree - crotch AND brain - wow - didn't know guys could do both at the same time
(It was probably comments like that that got my M into trouble in the first place; I can feel my H's eyes rolling.........)

Toe tapping in impatience.......Bomb - you must be at work by now.........

[bombardier50]

Thank you Zebra.

Okay, here we go. Various notes and tidbits from MC yesterday. Anxious to hear what everyone thinks...

As usual, session begins with wifey launching a pre-emptive strike to put me on the defensive and set the tone. As usual, I absorb the blow. Essentially, wife was complaining about how I've always controlled the money, and how she often resented that. And because of that resentment, she quit having sex with me, and, in typical MLC fashion: "I don't know if I'll ever get those feelings back...I just don't know."

MC: "Usually, the two most contentious elements of a marriage are money and sex. It's always interesting to me to find out who controls what. Clearly, in your case, your husband controls the money, and (looking at wife) you control the sex."

You could've heard a pin drop.

Wife repeats how she just doesn't have any sexual feelings toward me anymore.

MC: "Of course you don't. You've become emotionally detached. And it's going to take time and work to rebuild that. You know, your husband has said over and over that he's willing to be patient and wait and rebuild the relationship, and not pressure you for sex. To me, that's a very obvious expression of his love for you. Most men would've bailed out by now."

Wife goes defensive. Now she feels "guilty" and "pressured" because she's the one controlling the sex.

MC: Looking at wife:"You know, every week we talk, you always bring up the sex issue. Every single week. I find that interesting. Your husband never does. And every time you bring it up, you talk about how you feel pressured to have sex. Yet, you admit that it's been months since your husband asked you to ML. Where do you think the pressure's coming from?"

Wife admits she's putting the pressure on herself. MC tells her to stop...it's just making things harder.

Essentially, the majority of the session involved wife talking about us not having sex and expressing angst over why she doesn't feel like having sex with me anymore. This discussion persisted despite several attempts by the MC to steer the conversation to more productive topics...spending more time together...going on dates...etc.

The Aftermath: as we're making dinner, guess what she wants to talk about? You guessed it. Sex. And why we're not having it.

And how maybe I need to get a "f#ckbuddy."

Yes. She said that. Half seriously. I laughed.

So what's going on here? Is it guilt?

Have fun with this...

Bomb

[Jeanette1120]

You could've heard a pin drop.

PING!

lots to think about...

hmm....

[Grace_O]

Wow. Thanks for sharing. There is alot to think about in here.

I do think the "buddy" comment comes from guilt. The realization that she's controlled the sex (and used it as a form of punishment) was probably statling for her. I can only imagine the wheels turning behind that one.

[Jeanette1120]

And how maybe I need to get a "f#ckbuddy."

Yes. She said that. Half seriously. I laughed.

So what's going on here? Is it guilt

Guilt mixed with alot of insecurities? You've said that you've not been the Golden Boy...so to me, when a statement like that is made, she's asking you if you still find her attractive and sexually appealing.

She may be on a little fishing expedition to see how you would respond to her statement.

After you laughed what did she say?

Clearly, in your case, your husband controls the money, and (looking at wife) you control the sex."

Isn't this a majority? Seriously....it shouldn't be and I would be interested to see how many out there can say they do it the opposite...like the woman controls the money and the man controls the sex.....hmmm.

I probably would have crawled under the couch.....he sounds a bit intimidating. Course the truth hurts and intimidates us in the beginning.