Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

here's a way to look at that one...a fear my h has is that I won't always be here..or rather that I wont always allow him to be here. just as he left...I also at anytime can give up and leave or have him leave. does that offer comfort, probably not..but if you realize that the fear is on both sides it may help. inother words it does us no good to fear they will leave for they also have the fear that becuase of what they "did" we could leave also.

I'm frankly not sure that my h shares this fear...he certainly has never expressed it to me! H has expressed uncertainty about whether he wants to be M or not -- as recently as 6 weeks ago...to me that feels like a big reason why I'm struggling so much. He has told me in the past that he wants a D, has told me that he isn't sure he wants to be M, but hasn't ever said "let's try to make this work". If I asked him today he'd say "well, I'm still here, right?"

though I never "saw" ow, I spoke to her plenty, eventually she appologized to me..actually several different occasions she did..hey I even had the pleasure of making her cry...but it offers me no solice. the things I need to hear, I need to hear from my h not ow.

I'm more than willing to test the theory that making ow cry gives no solace... Just kidding! A cheeseless tunnel, I know it.

Sage

[sage]

Jeannine -- Thank you so much for the thoughtful post! You REALLY have your stuff together, my friend! As Shiny says, it's going into a file (on my Palm Pilot no less!).

Sage

[sage]

Journalling from yesterday...

What went well:

1. H met me for dinner before my class. This is an out of the way drive for him and means a lot to me!

2. H emailed me upon arriving home (I access the email during class). I've mentioned before that class nights are tough. I've got to get to the point where the trust is there but until that completely happens, it means a lot to me that he takes the time to let me know "where" he is.

3. Got an awesome, unbelievable, passionate kiss upon arriving home!!! More of those, please!

**********
I'm looking forward to a good and fun weekend!!! I know that so much of it has to do with my attitude...I've been all over the map for the last few days. Strong one minute, weepy the next. My support system here has helped a great deal -- thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone and that I should be gentle with myself.

I was looking at a VS catalog this morning. talked myself out of buying some things because I feel so unsexy, so unpretty, so "unloveable". In the process I realized that one of my biggest challenges is to pull my self-esteem out of the toilet despite "all evidence to the contrary" -- in other words, to feel pretty and attractive and loveable and worthy and chooseable, etc, despite H's a. AND, I get to do that ALL by my lonesome -- as easy as it would be to turn to someone else to help me feel those things...that's not an option.

In the midst of my melodrama it of course occurs to me that perhaps that's what H was seeking in the "arms" of ow. Guess it WAS an option for him.

Anyway, I'm actually NOT feeling sorry for myself (really) despite all appearances. In some ways, it was a good reminder for me that what I'm doing is HARD and I should stop beating myself up for backsliding.

And I WILL take another look at the VS stuff -- if only for me

Sage

[Jeannine]

I'm frankly not sure that my h shares this fear...he certainly has never expressed it to me! H has expressed uncertainty about whether he wants to be M or not -- as recently as 6 weeks ago...to me that feels like a big reason why I'm struggling so much. He has told me in the past that he wants a D, has told me that he isn't sure he wants to be M, but hasn't ever said "let's try to make this work". If I asked him today he'd say "well, I'm still here, right?"

Gads, can I relate to that. It was only a couple of weeks ago that my H gently let me know that he still wishes to move out. And it was only last weekend that he admitted he still occasionally - has lunch with OW, goes out with her afterwork, and continues to call her. He has cut back on the feast, but all the same, he's still partaking.

Our S's seem quite capable of telling us in no uncertain terms that they "want out", so it would seem that they ought to be able to tell us that they "want in", if they want in, right?

But alas, this does not seem to be the way it is playing out at the moment.

I suppose this is were patience comes in?

And resolve?

And bravery?

Hang in there Sage, I'm hobbling right behind you in this crappy marathon.

Jeannine

[kml]

Take another look at Vicky's Secret, girl!!!
The other day, I was being a little cocky about my H's attraction to me, and he said (jokingly) "pride goeth before a fall" and I said "No - LACK of pride goeth before a fall". I realized that MY willingness to accept and incorporate his view of me as unnattractive when I weighed 20 lbs. more was the real root of the problem. If I had had more self-confidence in my appearance and presented myself as a goddess, he would have probably found me more attractive - self-confidence is appealing! So buy yourself one of their "Very Sexy" bras, a thong (guys love em - it's a mystery to me) and say to yourself "I am a Goddess!".

Ellie

[lostlove]

I'm frankly not sure that my h shares this fear...he certainly has never expressed it to me! H has expressed uncertainty about whether he wants to be M or not -- as recently as 6 weeks ago...to me that feels like a big reason why I'm struggling so much. He has told me in the past that he wants a D, has told me that he isn't sure he wants to be M, but hasn't ever said "let's try to make this work". If I asked him today he'd say "well, I'm still here, right?"

shhhh! I do understand...trust me I do...my h moved out...wanted a d...was not comming home no way no how...when he did come home...one of the things he said that he now wishes I'd forget was..."I have to put my needs aside for my family" oh gee thanks so if not for the kids you'd be off with sussie cancer pants?? it took a while..there were still occasions when I'd foolishly ask h what he wanted and I'd get a 50/50 response..part of him wanting to be here and part of him not...h never fully believing that he could find the "it" here...wich was part of his fear in comming home..what if "it" isn't there...well I can tell you it took about 6 months of h being home and me trying desperately to keep my damn mouth shut..before h finaly stopped with the "I'm here aren't I, I came home didn't I, doesn't that say anything to you" (oh bite me!) and said...I believe we can be happy...I'm here because I want to be here...I'm sorry for this..etc...should I have had to wait?? na, but sometimes ya gotta wait.

and as far as not feeling attractive...hon I gotta tell ya...I aint never letting you meet my h unless I am right there with ya!! go get yourself some nice victoria secret stuff...if you feel silly about it...start out subtle and work your way into the crazy stuff...

LL

[sage]

I suppose this is were patience comes in?

And resolve?

And bravery?

Hang in there Sage, I'm hobbling right behind you in this crappy marathon.

Jeannine

Hey Jeannine -- We're all that and more!!!

Sage

[sage]

Ellie and LL,

As if a sign from, well, a goddess, I just received an email from VS regarding a clearance sale....I put my credit card to good use!!!

FYI -- I am generally a sexy underwear kind of gal ... it's just lately I've got the wrappings, just don't feel like the package w/in is all that desireable.

I'm reinspired tho' to my my awesome, sexy self!!!

Sage

[sage]

one of the things he said that he now wishes I'd forget was..."I have to put my needs aside for my family" oh gee thanks so if not for the kids you'd be off with sussie cancer pants??

You crack me up, LL.

it took a while..there were still occasions when I'd foolishly ask h what he wanted and I'd get a 50/50 response..part of him wanting to be here and part of him not...h never fully believing that he could find the "it" here...wich was part of his fear in comming home..what if "it" isn't there...well I can tell you it took about 6 months of h being home and me trying desperately to keep my damn mouth shut..before h finaly stopped with the "I'm here aren't I, I came home didn't I, doesn't that say anything to you" (oh bite me!) and said...I believe we can be happy...I'm here because I want to be here...I'm sorry for this..etc...

Ah, this gives me hope... Wasn't it the most wonderful thing in the world to hear that?

My Db hat keeps falling off...when it's screwed on tightly, I'm ok. It's the rest of the time I get all caught up in what's not being said...actions...actions...much louder than words, right? The words will come, I hope.

and as far as not feeling attractive...hon I gotta tell ya...I aint never letting you meet my h unless I am right there with ya!!

Thanks!!!

Sage

[sage]

Just journalling in advance of the weekend...

H has called 2x today already. I've noticed over the last few days that he's being much more detailed/explicit about the stuff he's doing at home -- lunch, when he's heading out, etc. Feeling like part of his life (through the mundane details) is really important to me and something that's been missing sometimes. I really appreciate him letting me know what's up with him!

Sage