Meredith - your 5 years..

[Meredith]

For instance---S9 just started playing soccer. Do I send him the website and let him get the game and practice schedules himself, because, after all, he is a big boy and if he wants to find out what his kids are doing he's got the tools to do it. OR, do I go a step further and send him a copy of the game and practice schedules and leave it at that? OR, should I say, "Hey, I need help getting S9 to soccer practice this week because it conflicts with D13's activities. Please let me know when you can help." OR, should I be more assertive and say, "S9 has soccer tonight, I'm supposed to run D13's carpool which conflicts, please pick up S9 at 6pm for soccer."

First question - what would you do if he says no to helping get S9 to and/or from soccer? Take the answer to that question and utilize it.

Armed with that, send one email containing a copy of the schedule, the website from which it was obtained and your plan to juggle it all. If he wants to help, he'll help. I would keep the plan very concise, very simple, very unemotional.

Dear Coconut,

Attached you will find S9's soccer schedule, which I got from socergame.com.

The schedule makes things a little tricky since we also have D13 involved in x,y,z. I'm planning on making arrangements by l,m,n,o,p but any help that you could provide would be great!

Hope all is well,
Tpaschal

The email shows him that hey, you've got this! It also says any help you want to toss our way is welcome. Not to mention, you're doing your part of good will for the lawyer by keeping him updated.

Being dark does NOT mean you cannot be friendly and it does NOT mean that you literally have to disappear into a black hole. You have children, you're going to have interact with this guy whether anyone likes it or not. Being dark comes in by only initiating contact when it is necessary. If keeping him knowledgable of the children's activities is something that is necessary, do so - quickly, efficiently and without any personal reference. Really examine what you consider necessary, too. He might need to know that S9 enrolled in soccer, but he doesn't need to know that you went grocery shopping that day and grapes were on sale for $1.79 a pound.

Make sense?

Oh, let me throw in here that it isn't fair. It isn't fair and it sucks and it's hard and it's wrong and it's a big old mess. BUT, you are not going to be able to make this man accountable for his decisions nor his responsibilities no matter what you do. Guilt and demands will only drive him further away. It will remove a lot of the expectations and conflict if you just take this one for the team (ha, literally) and work out the schedules without his part being played by him.

And Cagz was right on when she said not to get a reaction. As hard as that is!!!!