Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

Do you go to counseling? I tell you what it has been so wonderful for me. AND MY KIDS. they don't go near as much as me but it has helped all of us.

Figuring out US alone is NEW. 20 plus years with someone is a long time. I KNOW - and just like you a struggle with the same questions....How can ow be fulfiling you? What happened to the man I loved? Why her not me?

Oh jeez' I could go on and on. Last night I couldn't get to sleep. ALL I saw was "visions of ow and H" making love and worse than that talking, hugging and being together. IT WAS KILLER and thinking about it right now is doing me no good...SO STOPPPING..."thought you have not served me well so leave!!!"

Enough about "them" back to us right?

Me time. It is hard - hard to think about only you but it is TIME. We need to do it for our daughters. What do you want HER to gain out of this? ME? That you need KNOWONE other than God to fulfill you. That you are a wonderful beautiful person -inside and out and that he doesn't define you.

My son? I want him to watch me grow and become a woman that he stands up and points "THAT IS MY MOM and she is AWESOME!". This summer I did some pretty stupid stuff...one thing in particular and he and I were talking aobut it around Christmas time...I asked him if it made him mad or what....You know what he said... He said "No, I just thought..oh come on mom you are the sane one...." (he is 19)

THEY ARE WATCHING and it IS NOT FAIR but the fact is that they are and to be honest the OUTCOME of them is heavily on our shoulders. My d11 is with me 95% of the time. The 4 days a week she spends with him is not near enough ....but see MY CONSISTANCY, MY FAITH IN GOD that I WILL BE OK that WE WILL BE OK is what she sees day in and day out.