Quote: One of the sad parts for me is that H. is often defensive when I ask for reassurance...not sure if that's because I ask for it too often? But, something about the way I phrase it seems to leave him feeling as though I am judging my insecurity and sadness as HIS failure. Not my intent!
Here is what I do whenever I need to talk to husband about something that has reached "code orange" for me.
1) First of all, I try not to let the toxic build up go so long that I've reached "code red", because by then, I'm misfiring emotional missiles right in my own face. This is not to say that in "code orange" I'm not feeling plenty of emotion and fear, just that I'm still able to man-the-controls a bit better.
2) I only approach the subject when I sense H is not distracted with what he thinks are important things and is in at least a somewhat neutral or open mood.
3) I begin by looking him in the eyes and assuring him that I am not angry with him nor do I wish to guilt or hurt him in any way and that I am not looking to assign blame. I let him know that I am simply siphoning off some uncomfortable feelings that are making me feel bad.
4) I try to keep the issues that are bothering me seperated from H. I treat it as an exercise in dissipting negative energy into the atmosphere, but not on, at or into H.
5) In asking "those" questions, whenever I get what appears to be an honest answer, I tell him in a calm and warm voice, "I appreciate you telling me the truth". I say this even if it isn't exactly what I wanted to hear. If I have good cause to believe his response was a lie, I simply do not respond and wait a bit before either one of us decides to continue on.
6) I always touch or hug him when the conversation is over. Also, I try to be the one who ends it.
7) I try to follow-up, at an appropriate time, some sort of act of kindness or to do something that I know that will help fill his love tank (from the "Five Love Languages) as a "thanks for listening and responding" gesture. I keep it subtle and incidental so that it won't be obvious to him, but hopefully, on a subconcious level he will relate his compliance to listening and conversing with a pleasant aftermath.
8) I do this sparingly and on a needs-only-basis.
So far I have navigated through that scary tactic without taking on too much water, at least that is the way it appears so far.
I too, am an "all or nothing" kind of person, so I think I understand some of your inner battles.
You're bound to have days when that deeply compressed anxiety is going to want to surface and check out the present envirnoment. Please don't see this as weakness on your part, it is your inner being trying to clean house. Have you tried speaking gently to that part of yourself during those moments? Like you would to a little child who has lost their mommy in the crowd. I know that sounds goofy, but if it helps, who cares?
