Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

I really, really, really, really want to leave the EA and the ow behind here. So, just do it, right?

so with you on this one...but how to truly put it in the past?? yes, we've accepted that it happend (do we still have questions about it's true nature? ea/pa), but how to let it go??

LL

I don't know.

Part of me tells myself that I have let go of what happened but that what I keep clinging to is the thought/fear that it is still going on -- in other words, that if I just knew FOR CERTAIN that it was OVER that I'd be able to move on.

But, frankly, I think that's me lying to myself in some ways.

What I need to let go of is the need to know, the search for "certainty" where there isn't any, the desire to control the outcome at all costs.

Some days I feel strong - I feel sure that I will be ok no matter what. I recognize that life is as it is and that my tendancy to control is fear based -- when the fear isn't there, I feel more sure of myself -- more certain that I can handle whatever comes my way. That takes the pressure off me NEEDING to know the unknowable -- not that H is being faithful but that he will ALWAYS be here, etc.

Some days I don't feel strong and that's when I focus my precious energy on useless things -- when I replay what I read and saw and expand on it -- when I wonder if they are laughing at me, plotting, back to the same old, same old. Back to the big "eff-you, sage".

I know in my heart that the only way to let go is to just do it. To accept that I cannot control my H. or his wants, desires and actions. To walk directly into the fire of loving someone who has hurt me deeply, has hurt himself, too. To remind myself over and over and over again that loving him with all of my heart through all of my fears is never, ever going to be a bad thing. Really.

H and I talked about destroying the shirt that he was wearing the day I found out -- she had mentioned it in an email to him (they had been together that day) and it was clear from the mention that they had "fooled around" in some way. I haven't brought it up to him again. Not sure why.

There's a part of me that feels that closure is only going to come if I see her. There's lots of people who say that the op doesn't owe us anything -- I feel a bit justified in saying that's not entirely true in my case -- she sought me out as a friend during the whole horrible time. She lied to me too. I'd like to face her but I don't know what I'd say. And, frankly, in my head I know that even that isn't going to be wise or provide closure.

In the end, I think it's going to come only from within. I'd like my H. to help me through the process but at the end of the day, it's only about my thoughts. I'm considering going away by myself for a few days and closing the door on this part of my life through some ritual or another.

Ah, who the hell knows?

Sage