Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

Tough day today. I've been sick since Sunday and I thought I had kicked it yesterday but it came back with a vengance this afternoon. I had to leave work early and came home to climb into bed. I was supposed to take S13 to karate but knew there was no way. I sent a text to H asking if he was planning on taking him tonight (since he can't seem to stick to the schedule anyway!) and he called me back immediately. I really didn't feel like talking since I'm so sick and feeling really raw and vulnerable but couldn't ignore the call since I knew it was about our son.

He asked me if he woke me up and I told him no, that I was still very sick. He turned on his concerned voice for a minute and asked if I needed anything. The warmth was overwhelming me right then and I started to cry. Totally didn't want to do that EVER AGAIN with him. I think he really gets some sick satisfaction out of hearing me cry because he gets a power trip knowing that he's destroyed me. I don't want him to "know" that anymore. I'm tired of feeling destroyed, worthless, useless, hideous, unloveable, and generally a waste of space. I told him I didn't need anything. I wanted to tell him the only thing I need was my H (my H I love, not this person he has become who doesn't give a rip about anyone but himself) but I bit my tongue.

His rejection brought back every insecurity I ever had as a teenager. How dumb is that? A 36 year old woman with the insecurities of a 16 year old compounded by feelings of complete failure. Yeah great! I'm a regular barrel of laughs tonight. All of that pain has been coming out ever since I got sick Sunday because I'm terrified of being sick and alone. My son is too young to help much and he's autistic so he needs me to be able to function and my sick mother lives with me and needs me to be able to function as well but I have no one to depend on anymore to help me. Good grief! What the heck am I going to do about that? Any suggestions? My cousin lives less than a mile away but she has 5 kids and is never home. I guess I'll figure it out if the time ever comes that I absolutely can't function.

Have any of you faced being violently ill and unable to care for yourself for more than a day or two? I'm wondering how you dealt with it.

Sorry if this has been rambling. Still feverish and sick to my stomach but needed to vent a little.