Finding Supermom - #4

[JennyF]

Thanks Tomato. This is good advice. What I'm trying to not to do is over analyze the tiny details looking for hope (false hope).
Having said that I need somthing!

I'm going to paste that post of mine again here...I replied to MO2 and it got a little lengthy...so I want to ensure if anyone is stopping by they catch this as my last post.
Sorry to be repetitive!


Ok...I feel like I'm settling into acceptance a bit. But I'm a little confused with myself.
Am I accepting that it's over? Or that we're in a holding pattern and anything is still possible? I don't know.

So, from my understanding...my H is in a transitional life crisis. He will have to go through this whole thing as a process. Not over it or under it, or around it, but through it. This is going to take time...a lot of time. Especially because it will entail the R with OW ending...and that doesn't look (to me anyway) like it's going to happen any time soon. I mean H is talking about splittling car insurance with her and maybe buying a house??
Every time I think of those things I just remember, "Don't believe 100% of what you hear and only 50% of what you see".

He's moving fast to get things done (name is off the bills for crying out loud). I had anticipated that it would get worse before it gets better...and it is.

I've been thinking a lot about B's post the other night about DB'ing being about more than the LRT. I need to focus on my 180's, GAL, and that good stuff. I need to stay solution oriented.
But here is my question...how do I monitor results when nothing is changing? Does that mean it is not working or that it's just going to take a LONG time? How do I know if what I am doing is working or not working? As a matter of fact...things ARE changing because we're getting closer and closer to a D.

I'm trying to 'think small' to notice the little changes in H. There are tiny things...but most of the time I think I'm stretching it just to find them.

Also, many of the changes in me H might not even see. We are communicating as parent's...but it is strictly business.
I feel as though this has been part of my DB'ing strength...that I don't get mushy or sappy with him at all. How do I percieve if that is working or not? I don't feel like the timelines in the DR of monitoring after a couple weeks are relevent to me. H is too far gone for that quick a turnaround. I'm afraid to try something different because it may backfire...and backslide.
Having said that I'm feeling the urge to reach out to him right now. I don't know why. Maybe because I've been so detached now for so long, I miss him. He hasn't really changed...but I'm feeling drawn to him.
Since I started to fill out the financial sheets it brought up a lot of memories...he had to fill out those same sheets and I can't imagine that nothing crossed his mind? Is that possible? So I guess that's why I feel like I want to try to comminicate with him on the level. But I just don't think it's a good idea. I think I need to hold my ground and just keep making conistent, permanent changes in myself. These aren't happening as quickly as I would like. But I'm trying not to rush myself either because they have to be real. And at the same time I don't want to ignore some of the feelings I do have as I'm working through them. That's how I know I'm not ready to forgive H for leaving me and our family a month before the baby was born. But I'm working toward it. (forgiveness would be easier if he would just come back!!!)
So, this is my journey as much as his...I'm focusing on me.

BUT...how do I monitor if what I'm doing is right in order to change it if it isn't? If he proceeds with the house selling talk and all of those matters, do I assume it isn't working? Or just that this is part of the process?

Any DB expertise would be much appreciated! Especially from of any success stories if any of you frequent my thread.
SG...do you still stop by? Help!

J~