Thank you for your thoughts. It has taken a long time to get to this place. If my H chooses to step back into this M, then it will be a long road to recovery. These words are all logical. It's just hard understanding the logic when everything hurts so much. It's also very hard to be taken advantage of and sit and take it and just wait. I've been working and waiting a long time already. I guess I just have to see how long I will take it. I don't know....
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
Saw your post on Steve's thread - I am on my way. I'm short of time tonight but will be along soon ... my H moved out 6 months after I'd decided I wasn't treating him very well and decided to be nicer... I did blame, guilt, anger, threats ... I did it ALL wrong until I found DB'ing, which was about 7 months after my original bomb ... after H had moved back in and there was so much I didn't realise when he moved back .. it was still bad but I couldn't see it .. he was still depressed, didn't love me etc etc
what did I do? In a nutshell took all the energy I had been using on trying to "fix" my H and put it into myself. I fixed myself, my insecurities, my demanding-ness, my strops and power struggles. I was a MESS. I screwed up every R I ever had until I found DB. My pure focus was on me, I knew that unless I fixed myself every R I had in the future, be it with my H or anyone else, would follow the same course (me getting stroppy and demanding, them getting fed up and walking off). I have a lot of energy and drive, but i've learned that there is only one person you can drive (or control) and that is yourself.
Phew!! More later soon, proise. You're in my watched users, feel free to ask away and I will be keeping an eye on you
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I think you need to slow down a bit. You're right, it will be a long road to recovery, but it doesn't start once he comes home, it starts NOW. You're also right that it has taken a long time to get to this place, probably longer than you meant in that statement. A marriage doesn't break down to the point that one party wants out overnight. And, one party is rarely solely responsible for the breakdown. You and he have been working toward this point for a long time, and you must expect that it will take time to get everything back on track. I used to view my sitch as an oceanliner... W was steaming off over the horizon with the OM, and I was left treading water in her wake. Slowly, over time, I was able pull myself out of the wake, get my own life boat and then get the ocean liner to slow down, stop, turn and come back, but it took a long time. It took a lot of discipline and it was very painful. But to me, my marriage and my family were worth the effort.
A long time ago, I saw somewhere on this board an assessment of how long it would take to save your marriage proportionally based on how long you had been married. I can't remember the specifics, but it was a long time. JamesJohn or one of the other moderators may be able to find it. It took me a long time, and the work of making the marriage work is never done.
If you want to save this marriage, you must give this process time. Well intentioned friends and family may tell you that you've put too much time in, that you've done enough and that you should move on, but they cannot make that decision for you. They may sound like they are empathizing with you, but more likely they are uncomfortable seeing you in this pain and think that they know what you need to do to end THEIR pain. Don't ever forget that you can get a divorce anytime... now, next month, next year, next decade... but you might not get another chance to put your marriage back together. Give this time, do the work, make yourself the best person you can be and you will be rewarded.
Your husband is very confused right now, and any demands, ultimatums and pursuit from you will not help him with his confusion. Your best energies would be spent making yourself stronger and taking care of your family. If you show him by your actions that you can GAL, do fine on your own, and can move on perfectly well without him, you have a far better chance of awakening him from his fog than any demands and insistance will ever do.
Take a deep breath, then take a few more. Do something really nice for Kiki, and relax. Keep posting, we are here and watching. Be very good and kind and calm to Kiki.
Thanks for the cyber-squeeze. It all helps so much.
Here's a question. Part of my frenetic feelings and what's behind confronting my H is the fact that I am having a great deal of difficulty with the lies. I just want them to stop, so I want to do something to make them stop. I can't get this out of my head. It's as if I am somehow condoning the behavior if I don't do something about stopping it. It's partially a matter of self-respect. How long do I let him go on like this while he is very well aware of how much he is hurting me? I know it sounds as if it's all about me, but right now, I'm starting to feel like I have to make it about me or I am going to lose myself completely.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
I know of only one way to get him to stop lieing to you. Don't ask any questions of him that you don't think he will answer truthfully. You cannot make him do anything. You can only give him the opportunity to do things that you want him to do. You have no control over anything than yourself.
You mentioned earlier that you wanted to give him an ultimatum or you were done. What would that be like, being done? What would you do? How would you act? If he were not around at all, what would you do to get on with your life? Short of filing for divorce or looking for an actual replacement for H, what would you be doing for you and your kids? What would you do if he were not there anymore for you to obsess over?
If your marriage miraculously turned around this afternoon and all the problems you now are concentrating on were no longer there, what would you be doing now? How would you live your own life?
Any chance your husband can transfer? How much contact do they have at work?
I'm wondering how she would have reacted if you had responded on the text messages and said something like, "___ and I are having a fabulous time! Thanks for your thoughts..." In otherwords... acting like she was YOUR friend too... and also, letting her know you see her messages... that they aren't secret. That may help deflate things a little. Once the secrecy is gone the excitement usually tones down......
Unfortunately, seeing you as an advisary might make her work harder at trying to win your H over. And she might think, "Wow she really is a bit@h, no wonder he wants to leave her...." This makes it easier to validate to herself what she's doing.
She actually was just transfered as a manger of another store, my husband was supposed to be transferred there too and somehow during the course of it "everyone" found out that they had something going on. His reason for the texts in FL. I have never read what was written just see a count on the telus bill. The original EA was found out by the bill and the 200 calls (1 and 2 min) in the month of December. She is still not answering his calls and his claim is that he needs to know what went down at work with everyone finding out before he can make a decision on our marriage. If you take a peek at my thread (something like so confused not sure what hand i'm playing) you can see the pprogress, it has been a gradual unfolding of deception that peaked the other day. All of this coincides with her moving out last weekend(H claims not to have known that happened).
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
