Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Well guys, new thread, new outlook, I hope. Had an R. talk with H. last night -- probably bad DB'ing in spades -- but I feel like we crossed another barrier.

As I posted yesterday, I was feeling anxious (a la an anxiety attack) all day. I got home and H and I wavered a bit on going out, staying in, whatever. H asked if something was bothering me and I said "work". He asked if that was all and I said that I had been feeling anxious and sad all day and that I was missing feeling close to him. I brought up the idea that it's been a while since we've been intimate and also that it seemed as though we had stopped doing some of the things that we had been doing a month ago (surprising each other with dates, etc.). I told him that I wasn't blaming him I was just telling him how I feel and also that sometimes things feel great -- mentioned Sunday in particular.

H. responded defensively -- said "oh great, now I'm going to feel anxious and as though you're counting the days". I asked him how we were ever going to learn how to talk to each other -- how could one of us ever say how we felt if the other took it wrong or personally.

The conversation continued -- I talked about how I felt unattractive and scared. I mentioned that I wondered if "something else was going on". He said that now he was going to feel bad about my anxiety and that I would feel "paranoid" (UGH -- shades of MANY conversations pre-confirmation of the EA). He didn't sound angry or even particularly dejected -- just factual.

Anyway, I'm screwing up the order of everything.

What was the upshot? Well, some good things were said:

1. H. apologized for the way that he had responded -- said that he recognized it made it hard for me to speak my truth when he took things personally. I said that I could understand that since I did it myself with my own hotbuttons.

2. H said that he felt badly about my feel sad and lonely because he recognized that it was partly because of the things that he "had done".

3. I apologized for bringing things up again and told H. that I hope he knew that I wasn't doing it to hurt him.

4. I told H. that I forgive him for the A. and that I hoped he would forgive me for the things I did to contribute to our M. woes.

5. H. reconfirmed that he loves me and that he does "want" me.

6. Towards the end of the evening I asked H. if he was "going to be allright" and he said "Yes" very enthusiastically.

7. H gave me a knee-buckling passionate kiss. Looking forward to the next installment!

8. Other stuff I'm forgetting...

So, where does this leave us? Well, we got a few things out there. It wasn't the most "solution oriented" chat but it wasn't tears and outrage either. I think that the discussion about not being able to tell the other person something due to the response is a big step forward. We need to get to the place where we can manage our own "crap" IMHO.

I really, really, really, really want to leave the EA and the ow behind here. So, just do it, right? I cannot believe that it's been almost 6 months since I found out. I cannot believe that I still give one second thought to her and whether they are still in contact. I cannot believe that I have let this thing control my freaking daily existence for as long as it has. Heck, if you count the time when I suspected too we're looking at 9-10 months.

So, my thread title is expected to be apt. I gotta put the crap behind me. I have to move on with my life. I hope that H. is beside me. I hope that he knows that he is loved and safe and respected and admired. I hope that our conversation didn't make him feel unappreciated -- 'cause that's not it at all. I hope that he can leave the past behind, too and "make things better by looking ahead".

First step for me? I'm gonna give myself a break -- I'm gonna go out, have fun, see cool movies, eat good food, drink funky drinks, you name it. I am hanging up my "fix-it" hat once again. I've been too focused on stuff and not focused enough on appreciating my daily existence. I have a lot to be grateful for.

Sage