K - yep, I think no contact, leave her alone, give her space, and get a life are your best bets right now.
I haven't read that one specifically but know of the concept in general. I try to be careful with those things though, because it's very easy to flip it around into a "blame the victim" thing. "Well you wouldn't have cancer if you'd just focused on attracting healthy things into your life!" Probably just me.. but I had a really awful muscle disease when I was a kid and was amazed at how cruel people could be with comments like that.
Isn't that hindsight frustrating? I know exactly what you mean. When I look at how I acted, especially during the last year or so pre-bomb - well, YUCK! I wouldn't have wanted to live w/me either.
Sounds like a fun night you have planned, that's great!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes, had a good time last night eating dinner and saw a movie with my ex from 15 years ago (but we were friends before the 12 year relationship) and still are - absolutely nothing romantic. As a matter of fact, she gets on my nerves after too much time together like this weekend. She is a good friend though and listens to all my whining, etc. After church today she & I went to Memphis to a music program and it was great. Now I'm happy to be home in my pajamas to read, write, do housework, etc. tonight and tomorrow (President's Day holiday).
The book I'm actually reading now is "Secrets of Attraction" and is mostly about having a positive mental attitude to attract someone with a positive mental attitude. It's about having good self-esteem, how to let go of your own ego, being grateful for what you have, how to connect with God and trust him to guide my life, how to give up codependence, and how to create and maintain a great relationship. I enjoy reading these types of "self-help" books and I hope to actually remember what I read and put all this into practice.
Hope ya'll are doing great. I feel fine, even happy, just never can get GF off my mind for long. If I ever have the opportunity, I'm going to play my cards right next time. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but she and I broke up many times in the 2 1/2 years we were together. Each time we got back together, I would promise I would change and then I'd blow it and go back to my negative crap. I don't blame her at all for not trusting me to be different BUT if I'm given the chance, I WILL be different. I think it's finally sunk in. However, it may be too late. Not only has she given me "another chance" time after time too many times with no success, but now the religion thing is hovering over us. We'll see. I am such an impatient and selfish person. I wish things could be fixed immediately! I miss her and love her so much.
Funny how wearing your PJs and getting the laundry done can be so darn fulfilling isn't it? I finally got all of the clothes clean and put away yesterday, and it felt SO good, even if it didn't last long.
I think it's OK if you can't get her off your mind for long, as long as you're also able to be feeling good and happy. I imagine the thoughts will fade as you move forward - and agreed, it's a great time to figure out how to do it right if you get the chance.
Hey that last bit you posted - impatient and selfish - maybe those are the things to work on next. Patient and semi-selfless are both good traits no matter what... (not good to get TOO "unselfish" though, it's sure a balance).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes, I know I need to work on being patient. The funny thing is I have no choice, with this situation. I HAVE to be patient. It's extremely uncomfortable though.
I am doing better than a year ago. I would cry and be unable to have any fun at all when we would break up a year ago, even 6 months ago during the big summertime breakup. Now I am moving on, having fun, enjoying being alone, thinking of dating others if she doesn't come around soon.
I had a guy on here one time who told me that I shouldn't date others while "divorce busting." Do you agree with that?
By selfish, I mean I want her back! I'm trying to let go of that and let God direct my future but on the other hand God supposedly fulfills our desires. Most of my advice (and of course the Bible and religious beliefs) are contradictory. Or maybe it's just my inability to understand stuff.
Anyway, I'm completely ready to start being "unselfish" if I got her back. Until that happens, I admit I will keep believing that someday she may return. My shrink says that will change when I meet someone else. I suppose he's right. It's just so hard to meet other gay women who are beautiful, feminine and professional. I guess I need to add emotionally available. Emotional health is actually at the top of my list for "next time." So important!
All advice is welcome! From anyone - not just Saffie, Nik & Michelle!
I had a guy on here one time who told me that I shouldn't date others while "divorce busting." Do you agree with that?
This is something I've put some thought into - I see it like this.
1) You would be dating for the wrong reasons. You feel an absence; a loss. You probably want to fill that emotional space with someone.
2) What happens if you date someone, then your girlfriend wants to try again? You're going to be in a position where you either have to break it off with whomever you are dating, or you would you move on without your girlfriend?
3) It goes without saying that a relationship with three people in it is going to end up with more people getting hurt than the two who are involved already.
Personally, I believe dating and DBing are mutually exclusive. You can't be invested in a relationship and working towards repairing it if you are out there looking for someone else.
Thanks Brit! I appreciate your advice. Frankly, that's what I was hoping to hear from you all. BUT - how long do I wait before I decide she's coming back?
I don't know if you've read all 7 pages of this thread but we've basically been "broken up" for a whole year. We saw each other once in March 07, once in April 07, 5 times in May 07 (continous phone calls/arguing/trying to work things out). Then I didn't see her physically from late May - late Sept. There were phone calls in June & July then they stopped. At the end of July she said, no more calls. No calls in August or Sept. until she called Sept. 23. Then we dated several times between Sept. 29 & Nov. 2 (probably about 10 times).
I haven't seen her since Nov. 2. We talked on the phone through Nov. then that stopped in Dec. We sent a few text messages through the end of Dec. then she stopped responding. We did send one on Feb. 1 regarding something she had at her house that belonged to me. Sent her a text on Feb. 2 that I didn't need it anymore. She didn't respond and I haven't heard from her since. She didn't even call or text to check on me after tornadoes came through my area (Feb. 5).
How long do I wait? and hope?
Thanks for your input. It's good to hear from someone new.
BUT - how long do I wait before I decide she's coming back?
Did you mean "not coming back"?
Quote:
How long do I wait? and hope?
It's a very individual decision I think. Honestly, it sounds like she's unlikely to come back (and if she did, based on what your shrink said, do you WANT that R??).
As to "how long" - I think rather than a time limit it should be based more on how you're feeling at a given point in time. If you're feeling strong, independent, happy, and you are confident that you want a new R in your life - that's the time, in my opinion, to consider dating someone else. I think you'll likely feel a pretty big internal shift when you're ready to move on with your life and move on from her - I wouldn't date before that happens. If you're unsure of yourself, probably a good idea to start with a time frame on when to re-evaluate things, though. (i.e. give yourself 3 months to even consider this question - so you don't have to 'worry' about it in the meantime).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Sorry, Yes, I meant "not coming back." I was obviously in a hurry and didn't proofread well.
Yes, if she wanted to "try again" and if she has found peace with God and her sexual orientation (three big ifs), I would definitely try it again. From all that I've read and been counseled on, if "one person changes, it changes the whole relationship." I'm willing to be that one person.
Thanks for the advice regarding dating. That makes a lot of sense. I will certainly be on the lookout for that "internal shift." I agree that will be the time to move on and look for someone to date.
May 5 is our anniversary. Do you think that is a good time to have as a "deadline?" If she doesn't come around by then, I'll turn my attention elsewhere and bury the relationship.
What do the rest of you think? Is 3 months enough? (It's already been a year of being "broken up" although I have continued to be a whiny, demanding, b**ch when I have seen her and on the phone, etc.) Or should I wait longer?
Gotcha - I figured it was just a mis-type but wanted to be sure.
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Yes, if she wanted to "try again" and if she has found peace with God and her sexual orientation (three big ifs), I would definitely try it again. From all that I've read and been counseled on, if "one person changes, it changes the whole relationship." I'm willing to be that one person.
Just wanted to point out that YES, you can change the whole R by changing. But based on the first sentence here, you also need some changes from HER in order to consider an R again. Which is good, I think - way healthier than "I'll do anything to keep this R."
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May 5 is our anniversary. Do you think that is a good time to have as a "deadline?" If she doesn't come around by then, I'll turn my attention elsewhere and bury the relationship.
Two different thoughts on that.. first one is I really wouldn't tie it to anything from your former R with her. 3 months might be a good time to re-evaluate things (not necessarily a deadline, but sort of an "emotional evaluation" to see how you're feeling). I'd make it 3 months from today though, not tie it to an anniversary.
The second thought is I think NOW is when you should turn your attention elsewhere and grieve the loss of the relationship. THAT relationship IS most definitely over. And from what you've described, it sounds like that's the healthier thing for both of you. What you're hoping for (I believe) is for a NEW, healthier, happier R with her. "Elsewhere" doesn't mean another person though - it's keeping that focus on you and letting go of the clinginess, neediness, becoming whole and happy on your own, etc.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes, after I typed in May 5, I thought, I shouldn't have done that. You're right, of course - May 20!
The shrink says I have done my grieving. I have definitely cried and mourned during the past 2 years (every time we'd break up). I think I'm through mourning.
Yes, I am trying to turn my attention elsewhere. I'm trying to get a life, trying to enjoy other things and other people. I realize that the old relationship is gone. IF we started seeing each other again, it would have to start all over, hopefully friends first. We jumped into bed too early the first time around and I think we'd both be less anxious this time. I know she'd want to find out if I had truly changed before we jumped back in to a "relationship." We've both learned a lot and would take it slow. I would want to jump in but I would restrain myself.
I'm still working on focusing on me and letting go of being clingy, needy, dependent, etc. I really won't know how I'm going to do until I have the opportunity to "test it." I've never been like this with any of my previous partners (male or female). I really don't know why it's been like this with her. The shrink says it's because we were passionate about each other and most relationships are not. They are usually just "lukewarm" and "comfortable." Which is fine with most people. But once you've experienced the passion, you will never want anything else! That's why I have said if I can't have this person, I may just stay single. However, I do realize that I could possibly meet and fall in love passionately with another person.
Do you still think I need to send a "generic" thinking of you card in the next few weeks? The shrink has said before that I don't want to disappear off the radar.
Thanks for your wisdom. Are you sure you're not a psychologist?
