I am sitting here thinking and knowing that after almost 2 years I am so close to seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and being able to bask in it. And yet I feel there is so much work yet to be done. You cant just sit back and say hey, yeah this is good I think I will leave it like this. I have to keep evolving and keep trying to be a better Woman. I finally am starting to trust this and trust him. Trust that my heart and mind are telling me the truth and I can say hey yeah I made it and he is growing old with me no doubts.
I must say I DOOOOOOOOOOOO want to feel that, dont "normal" Married Couples feel that?
My Aunt and Uncle have been Married for 40 years and hey I am sure they have had their ups and downs but does she really have to worry about him leaving and walking away like their time together meant nothing. She is my God Mother, Maybe one day I will ask her.
When I was little I wanted to grow up to be like her. I wanted to be Happy and in love, make Dinner for my H and sit with him afterwards and just be a Family, just like her. ( My Parents were divorced)........ I did not want that for me as an adult. It hurt so much and it was so confusing.
Well I am all grown up now and I want that serenity, I want that peace , the PEACE OF knowing ,that I am going to grow old with him. When his arms are around me it just feels so right, when he smiles at me I feel so full of life. He is WHO I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH, COME WHAT MAY. IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD.
I know I am something without him but I can truly say that with him I am something better . He ( now ) brings out the best in me. I compromised and compromised some more for awhile, but slowly I have gotten back me and I feel we are more equal now. Far from perfect thats for sure but we are on our way. I have waited a long time for this. But the difference now is :
since the BOMB And DBing, I actually dont literally wait. I actively work for what I want. I have grown so much during this process and have learned so much also.
The best thing I have put into place is it when all is said and done and even when I am at my best it is still all about him. I am not a doormat, I am his equal, I am his wife and so when he says something to me even if it stings. I listen and maybe he is right, maybe I don't relax enough when we make love, maybe I really don't hug him enough, maybe I am grouchy and don't smile once in awhile, and he needs me to get better because he loves me . I will keep trying to be a better Human being not only for me but for him.
I used to think ..............
You arent perfect!!!!!!!!???????????
.............. why do I have to be!!!!!!!!?????
All that ( well most of it, I am Human* ;)) is in the past. He isn't perfect , neither am I .
......but we can meet in the middle and take care of each other.
