Thanks Cat... you are in my prayers, I read your posts , I just dont post much.
BABBLING.............. I am sitting here in the sun *( well I am in my room and it is 13 degrees outside but I am in the sun no less*******) * and realizing it is ok to sit and just do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING EVERY ONCE in awhile. I went to workout this morning. Came home made myself something to eat. The day off and I am caught up on housework. So I came up to my room and wanted to just relax and then the sun started to shine on my face. Feels good, especially here in WI where in the winter the sun is scarce. YUCK!!!
I am feeling good today... I have a good friend who is going thru some hard times right now with her significant other and it is so heartbreaking..... I listen and dont offer much advice but I do tell her to stay strong and positive even though her heart is broken. Easier said than done I know but it still can be done,,
I also remember that I told my H recently that wether he was HAPPY, SAD ETC.ETC..... I wasn't going to get on board ( also easier said than done). But I have smiled thru my silent tears at times and gotten stronger. I hope to keep up like this.
Love is so hard and I have fallen on my face many times and you all have been here for me with hugs, love and 2x4s TOO!!!!! I am hoping he keeps doing this growing and when he gets home he is much better than he was the last time he was here. We talk alot more now and he is more open with me.
MY SIL tells me that his OW is married now.... that really doesnt mean sh*t to me, I wanted to say to her. But I acted as though what she was saying was just a normal convo. MY SIL likes to mean to me and pretend she likes me,,, yuck !!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SIL and former OW are best friends~ Lovely and at the same time I really could care less. I cant hold him tight enough to make sure he never strays, he needs to love me and be faithful on his own..... FEAR used to knock me out of the park..... I used to be paralyzed by her * THE OW* and little does my SIL know that her M means nothing to me,,, she cheated witH my h WHEN HE was married too. Is she trying to tell me the OW has morals now... PLEASE~ I was shocked by even myself when she mentioned her that it no longer hurt. I walked away from my SIL knowing I am strong and you cant take that from me ever again. My MIL too mentioned her when I was in Mexico, saying she respected me that is why she told OW , TO NOT VISIT WHILE I WAS THERE. She doesnt respect me she just likes to pretend. Her fa sad (spelling?) is paper thin... they ( SIL, MIL, ) used to enjoy walking all over me and laughing as they saw my pain...... not anymore.
........AND you know what it feels so d*mn good to be the Woman I am becoming. NO apologies... CLASSY but dont f*ck with me,,,, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE TWO CAN BE ROLLED INTO ONE, I NEVER KNEW THAT BEFORE....
Wow , had I only had all this strength 10 years ago. Need to keep working hard on me............ God bless.... Ali
save yourself and if you save your M IN THE process now that is just the icing on the cake.
This should be our motto here. Yes, yes, yes!!! The most important thing is to have inner peace and happiness. Any external factors, like our M or good frieds just make it all nicer. but without inner happiness, we are nowhere.
I am not as familiar with your sitch as others. Why is your H in Mexico? Work?
I have found with my H, that when he travels, it's good for us. A little space is good. Missing each other once in a while is good. Having time to be with ourselves is good.
It's nice to hear how proud yoru H was when he told you about his ring. Very cool!
Keep up the good work!
And yes, I often need to remind myself that doing nothing is okay. That's a hard one for me.
Take care of yourself.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
It's nice to hear how proud yoru H was when he told you about his ring. Very cool!
Thannx a million for this and for your post... I never looked at it like he was proud, it is like you hit me on the head with a bat...????????? That is why I love this place it helps me so, so much.
And right now I just came to post cause I am feeling strange and your post lifted my spirits, Thank you very much!
My H is in Mexico just on Vacation... and it is killing me and he misses me too. I think now that our R is so much better he misses me more than ever , well I do not have to speculate he has told me over and over.
So this is what once again is perplexing me.... I feel sad, like I have a sliver I can't get rid of , like something is right there and it bugs me......?????????????
1. I feel jealousy alot lately... when he is super nice like this he scares me. ( OLD PATTERN : H SUPER NICE = UP TO NO GOOD) In my head and heart , I KNOW he is not cheating anymore but old habits die hard and this one is hanging onto me for dear life. I know in my soul he is doing good and being Faithful, so what the H*ll is wrong with me? 2. I can feel good times are coming and yet instead of inner peace my emotions are still everywhere. I hear myself and feel my self talk and I want to just scream. 3. I've waited so long for him to grow up and now that he is it scares the h*ll out of me....
So jealousy and fear are on the frontline...... I know it is ok for me to go back and forth like this like COG said but I feel like I am getting in my own way. I have not mentioned my jealousy at all ....
just need to find a path thru this BS going on in my head....
I will post more in a bit... my girls just made me BREAKFAST.
I am sitting here feeling like an idiot and remembering that I do get in my own way. And that I need to focus on me again and the changes I need to make not on what he is doing or not doing I am getting weak and giving into to jealousy.
It used to consume me and I couldnt see clear and I would just freeze. I need to journal a lot more keep up with the working out and give me time for me and keep at this.
I talked to him earlier and he mentioned how I never wear the sexy underwear he got me @ Victoria Secret, he even remebered the color and I didnt.. yeah small little detail. He remeberes my color of undies I do not, SAD! As I sat pouting and thinking undies ????!!!!!!!!! big deal you leave me here all by my self for months on end and you ahve the nerve to complain anout my D*MN underwear that I do or dont wear,, it (sort of ) CAME to me. he really does need to me tovalue myself even more and be self confident even more and just shine.
Something that I do well and when I feel down I fail miserably. It feels like this is neverending sometimes. But yes my self esteem has been an issue as long as I can remember,,,, when he met me my self esteem was at an all time high and I truly loved myself and I felt strong,,,, I can feel myself getting there and wanting to be there but at the same time then the old creeps in and I allow it to taint my actions my words my moods, my everything.
I appreciate evryones support here and know thta I can do this and I obviously cant be a DOLL and always be Happy, I am made of flesh and blood ,,, but I do need to stop being so influenced by his moods or what he used to be and what he used to do and SHINE REGARDLESS.
*************************HARD AS H*LL..... ****************** BUT THERE IS NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT, IT IS ALL I HAVE. I am sure to fall on my face every now and then, bUT HE WILL NEVER KNOW , THIS IS MY STRUGGLE.
Sometimes I feel Like I don't belong anywhere And it's gonna take so long For me to get somewhere Sometimes I feel So heavy hearted But I can't explain Cause I'm so guarded But that's a lonely road to travel And a heavy load to bare And it's a long, long way to heaven But I gotta get there Can you send an angel? Can you send me an angel? Guide me
~( YEAH I AM KIND OF CRAZY ABOUT HER)
I think my angel has been a part of my life for awhile but I have been fighting it for awhile and letting him hurt himself by not being the strong beautiful Woman that I KNOW I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~Maybe I have ? Dunno~? ~Ali
my mom said on the phone the other day when i was down and miserable (i think that was the first time i was very open with my mom about being really sad) - "you know, your angel is always with you"
it sounded magical)
Ali - i love this - "........AND you know what it feels so d*mn good to be the Woman I am becoming. NO apologies... CLASSY but dont f*ck with me,,,, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE TWO CAN BE ROLLED INTO ONE, I NEVER KNEW THAT BEFORE.... ")))))))
me, h - 40+ m-20+ s, d, ss - 20+ s, ow, pa since 04.2007 h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008 h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
Thanx Firekeeper your a doll. Yeah I have been working on that darker side of me cause I have always been far TOO SWEET. I still am but I just mix in a pinch of sass and a tablespoon of dont take sh*t anymore and boom, people mess with you far less, it is amazing. And saying No ~ That one is helping me also.
Your MOM sounds like she loves you a whole lot. And yes your angel is always with you, I also think sometimes they are here on Earth and in front of our very eyes and we just dont see.
My Angel here on this Board is without a doubt COG, he always knows just what to say to me and helps me so much.He is a sweetheart and touchs my heart!!!!!! He helped opened my eyes to my old behavior and how much it was hurting my H. He helped my M and myself in ways I will never be able to repay him. I have no doubt God sent him to me, and I say that with all sincerity and from the bottom of my heart.
And my H he is my Very Own Personal ANGEL, sent here to help me shine and be my Best even when I just wanted to give up. So FIREKEEPER ,my dear, your Angel Is out there somewhere just open your eyes. ~ Love and God Bless. ~Ali
I am sitting here thinking and knowing that after almost 2 years I am so close to seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and being able to bask in it. And yet I feel there is so much work yet to be done. You cant just sit back and say hey, yeah this is good I think I will leave it like this. I have to keep evolving and keep trying to be a better Woman. I finally am starting to trust this and trust him. Trust that my heart and mind are telling me the truth and I can say hey yeah I made it and he is growing old with me no doubts.
I must say I DOOOOOOOOOOOO want to feel that, dont "normal" Married Couples feel that?
My Aunt and Uncle have been Married for 40 years and hey I am sure they have had their ups and downs but does she really have to worry about him leaving and walking away like their time together meant nothing. She is my God Mother, Maybe one day I will ask her.
When I was little I wanted to grow up to be like her. I wanted to be Happy and in love, make Dinner for my H and sit with him afterwards and just be a Family, just like her. ( My Parents were divorced)........ I did not want that for me as an adult. It hurt so much and it was so confusing.
Well I am all grown up now and I want that serenity, I want that peace , the PEACE OF knowing ,that I am going to grow old with him. When his arms are around me it just feels so right, when he smiles at me I feel so full of life. He is WHO I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH, COME WHAT MAY. IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD.
I know I am something without him but I can truly say that with him I am something better . He ( now ) brings out the best in me. I compromised and compromised some more for awhile, but slowly I have gotten back me and I feel we are more equal now. Far from perfect thats for sure but we are on our way. I have waited a long time for this. But the difference now is :
since the BOMB And DBing, I actually dont literally wait. I actively work for what I want. I have grown so much during this process and have learned so much also.
The best thing I have put into place is it when all is said and done and even when I am at my best it is still all about him. I am not a doormat, I am his equal, I am his wife and so when he says something to me even if it stings. I listen and maybe he is right, maybe I don't relax enough when we make love, maybe I really don't hug him enough, maybe I am grouchy and don't smile once in awhile, and he needs me to get better because he loves me . I will keep trying to be a better Human being not only for me but for him.
I used to think ..............
You arent perfect!!!!!!!!???????????
.............. why do I have to be!!!!!!!!?????
All that ( well most of it, I am Human* ;)) is in the past. He isn't perfect , neither am I .
......but we can meet in the middle and take care of each other.
