well, Short, she is no friend right now. Nice how woman support each other! Here are some things I would think about saying, - Ok, i hear what you are saying or I would appreciate it if we didnt discuss my marriage or I'd rather not discuss this very personal matter or I really need support during this difficult time and it doesnt help when you blame me or how about, mind your own business b*tch - ok maybe not that last one.
some good advice on how to not get pulled into self defense mode would be great.
Keep your mouth shut. I learn this in Db. If something doesn't work, do something different. If trying to put out your side makes this person try harder to see her point of view, just don't say anything. I have a boss who will keep on you if you try to float your point of view. When I keep quiet, she says her peace and is done with it. And then at review time, she tells me I have a great attitude.
IMP.. agreed. As another friend of mine says its a trap. I start off talking small talk, how's the day stuff. Then she will ask how I am and I say well just thinking about..whatever it is I am thinking about that day. All a very nice pleasant conversation. Next thing, well you really are this, that, the other thing in these nice polite tones, so I think we are still in the toss some ideas around mode, so I respond. Then WHAM I am being yelled at for not agreeing. I fell sucker punched. I think I need to see it coming better...like not say anything about my feelings. Stick to boring small talk. Most women I know like to talk about feelings...usually we like to listen to others feelings..much more fun than politics. But this friend like my H and is trying hard to excuse him in her mind....part of the problem. She is convinced it is all my fault as he is way to nice to have cheated on me for no reason.
Hi folks. Just wanted to say I am still here and alive. I have been reading and not posting much as I was taking a much needed mental/emotional break.
The last few weeks I have had NC at all with my H. At first it was hard, but I am feeling so much better every day. After a year of constant emotional mishagosh and drama from my H, I find the day to day calm to be so healing. The final break for me was also pulling away from some friends I felt were adding to the emotional drama. For the first time in a long time I feel good. I feel like I can breathe. I am beginning to focus again on things and people I care about.
There is something to be said for just enjoying the simple pleasures of life and reaching beyond the limits of staying locked into a relationship with an unstable person. There are moments that I wish for my H as he once was. But for now I am happy to be at peace with myself.
I am glad you are feeling good about yourself. That is what is important. I had to do the same with the detachment from my h just to find some peace and quiet in my life. I felt so much stronger as time went on.
I wrote this to myself today. I thought I would post it as it might be helpful to others.
A Letter to Me.
Over the last year I have had one goal. Save my marriage. I realize I have done all things possible to that end, as I in fact believed that was what I must do. I read, I listened, I went to therapy and MC, I learned anything and everything I could, from anyone and everyone I could. I started doing all things possible to help in my goal.
I went to therapy and discussed over and over again ways in which I could have improved my marriage or myself. I read about GAL and began doing all manner of things my H had pointed out to me were issues in our marriage. Be much more social, exercise and diet, be more driven in my artist goals, etc. So I began making lots of new friends, going out, taking classes in art, doing yoga, lost weight, redid my hair and clothes. I got really busy. I got a life.
But as they say, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum. Through this journey I learned something. I learned I needed to change my goal. I realized that before I could even address my marriage I needed to do two things. Heal myself and know myself.
I began to notice that the trauma of infidelity went way beyond any problem in my marriage. No amount of relationship advice was going to help until I could heal from that pain and hurt. That in fact my first goal must be to gain back the sense of self-trust and emotional inner peace that infidelity had destroyed in me. I needed to separate that hurt from all other parts of my marriage and just heal from betrayal, a deep, deep wound that takes time and self caring to heal. I needed to be kind to myself and come to peace with the concept that I did not in any way cause my H to betray me. It was in fact a choice he made. Our marriage, good or bad, does not get to be the scapegoat of betrayal. I needed to know that being responsible for me did not make me responsible for the actions of others.
The second thing I realized was that I wasn’t getting a life, I was getting the life my H thought was a life. I needed to find out who I was. All that busy, busy stuff wasn’t in fact me. I realized I don’t like being busy ever minute of every day. Although it served as a nice distraction for a while, it was not true to me. I don’t like taking yoga classes, my H does. I would rather go for long walks or sit and knit. I don’t like having hundreds of friends, my H does. I prefer a few close ones. I hate brown rice and whole wheat and enjoy cookies. Most classes bore me and being busy just to be busy is a waste of time when I could be reading or relaxing in my garden. I like having lots of quiet time at home. I didn’t need to just GAL, I need to get my life. A life I actually enjoy.
After all this, then there is my marriage. I finally had to ask myself is being married more important than being myself? If all I am doing is changing just to look good to my H, what’s the point if I feel bad about me? And perhaps that is why marriages begin to crumble, we forget to be who we truly are and spend way too much time trying to figure out who we think we should be for someone else. If who I am, is not the person my H wants to be with, then why should I save my marriage? No, if my marriage is to be, it must be a marriage of two whole and healthy people. I can become whole and healthy again. The rest is up to him... to heal and know himself.
