I wrote this to myself today. I thought I would post it as it might be helpful to others.
A Letter to Me.
Over the last year I have had one goal. Save my marriage. I realize I have done all things possible to that end, as I in fact believed that was what I must do. I read, I listened, I went to therapy and MC, I learned anything and everything I could, from anyone and everyone I could. I started doing all things possible to help in my goal.
I went to therapy and discussed over and over again ways in which I could have improved my marriage or myself. I read about GAL and began doing all manner of things my H had pointed out to me were issues in our marriage. Be much more social, exercise and diet, be more driven in my artist goals, etc. So I began making lots of new friends, going out, taking classes in art, doing yoga, lost weight, redid my hair and clothes. I got really busy. I got a life.
But as they say, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum. Through this journey I learned something. I learned I needed to change my goal. I realized that before I could even address my marriage I needed to do two things. Heal myself and know myself.
I began to notice that the trauma of infidelity went way beyond any problem in my marriage. No amount of relationship advice was going to help until I could heal from that pain and hurt. That in fact my first goal must be to gain back the sense of self-trust and emotional inner peace that infidelity had destroyed in me. I needed to separate that hurt from all other parts of my marriage and just heal from betrayal, a deep, deep wound that takes time and self caring to heal. I needed to be kind to myself and come to peace with the concept that I did not in any way cause my H to betray me. It was in fact a choice he made. Our marriage, good or bad, does not get to be the scapegoat of betrayal. I needed to know that being responsible for me did not make me responsible for the actions of others.
The second thing I realized was that I wasn’t getting a life, I was getting the life my H thought was a life. I needed to find out who I was. All that busy, busy stuff wasn’t in fact me. I realized I don’t like being busy ever minute of every day. Although it served as a nice distraction for a while, it was not true to me. I don’t like taking yoga classes, my H does. I would rather go for long walks or sit and knit. I don’t like having hundreds of friends, my H does. I prefer a few close ones. I hate brown rice and whole wheat and enjoy cookies. Most classes bore me and being busy just to be busy is a waste of time when I could be reading or relaxing in my garden. I like having lots of quiet time at home. I didn’t need to just GAL, I need to get my life. A life I actually enjoy.
After all this, then there is my marriage. I finally had to ask myself is being married more important than being myself? If all I am doing is changing just to look good to my H, what’s the point if I feel bad about me? And perhaps that is why marriages begin to crumble, we forget to be who we truly are and spend way too much time trying to figure out who we think we should be for someone else. If who I am, is not the person my H wants to be with, then why should I save my marriage? No, if my marriage is to be, it must be a marriage of two whole and healthy people. I can become whole and healthy again. The rest is up to him... to heal and know himself.
