I did get some more of my 'way behind' project done. It's still dicey with the client but he's kind of stuck with me right now. I'm doing better every day.
Last night W came home around 9:30 and was pretty wiped out. A 12+ hour day can do that to you.
She thanked me for the 'nice text message' and I said "You're welcome".
A little later she had to print some 'discount massage' 4x6 cards for the rotary club thing at her office tonight and was having some problems. I offered to help and she was very annoyed because she had printed them this morning and they worked fine.
Anyway, I backed off and she got it to work.
A while later she was in her pajamas in the kitchen waiting for her heat pack to warm up in the microwave so she could go to bed. I stood near her and asked her about her schedule and stuff for the next few days and she was telling me it was going to be the same as today, and seemed a little down.
Then she says in a whiny voice "I wish I had some creamer for coffee tomorrow morning". See, morning coffee is something she needs, it's kind of a 'routine' every day and she needs it.
Well, I had noticed we were almost out of my flavor of creamer and that hers was gone so I went to the store about an hour earlier and got more. Since we were standing near the refrigerator I turned and opened it without saying anything and she saw there was some there. She started to thank me then went on to how she was just so worn out and she didn't have a break for lunch and she really just needed an hour for herself, and, and, and... then she started to get tearful as she talked.
I listened and said "You really are worn out tonight. Can I give you a hug?".
She some other things and I didn't push it. Then she said "but I'll take a hug!"
So I gave her one, held her and breathed love into it and stroked her hair a little. I didn't say anything, just loved her for a moment.
That's it. We parted and I walked away. She went to bed and that was it. I stayed up a while and journaled.
So AmyC, that is loving from a distance. Giving unconditionally and not expecting anything to come back from it. I've also taken your advice about how she can see how I'm feeling 'in my eyes'. When I look at her now I make eye contact and project loving feelings whenever possible. Not just smile, a loving smile.
I still feel I need to keep my distance because I'm just not that strong right now. I also need to beware of falling into the 'I can fix this' trap.
So, I've begun a small step towards changing my interactions with her. It still hurts and she will still continue with her plans. But if I just focus on now, and not dread the future or worry about what she's doing then I'll be better off.
