I think you need to slow down a bit. You're right, it will be a long road to recovery, but it doesn't start once he comes home, it starts NOW. You're also right that it has taken a long time to get to this place, probably longer than you meant in that statement. A marriage doesn't break down to the point that one party wants out overnight. And, one party is rarely solely responsible for the breakdown. You and he have been working toward this point for a long time, and you must expect that it will take time to get everything back on track. I used to view my sitch as an oceanliner... W was steaming off over the horizon with the OM, and I was left treading water in her wake. Slowly, over time, I was able pull myself out of the wake, get my own life boat and then get the ocean liner to slow down, stop, turn and come back, but it took a long time. It took a lot of discipline and it was very painful. But to me, my marriage and my family were worth the effort.
A long time ago, I saw somewhere on this board an assessment of how long it would take to save your marriage proportionally based on how long you had been married. I can't remember the specifics, but it was a long time. JamesJohn or one of the other moderators may be able to find it. It took me a long time, and the work of making the marriage work is never done.
If you want to save this marriage, you must give this process time. Well intentioned friends and family may tell you that you've put too much time in, that you've done enough and that you should move on, but they cannot make that decision for you. They may sound like they are empathizing with you, but more likely they are uncomfortable seeing you in this pain and think that they know what you need to do to end THEIR pain. Don't ever forget that you can get a divorce anytime... now, next month, next year, next decade... but you might not get another chance to put your marriage back together. Give this time, do the work, make yourself the best person you can be and you will be rewarded.
Your husband is very confused right now, and any demands, ultimatums and pursuit from you will not help him with his confusion. Your best energies would be spent making yourself stronger and taking care of your family. If you show him by your actions that you can GAL, do fine on your own, and can move on perfectly well without him, you have a far better chance of awakening him from his fog than any demands and insistance will ever do.
Take a deep breath, then take a few more. Do something really nice for Kiki, and relax. Keep posting, we are here and watching. Be very good and kind and calm to Kiki.
