Well, we're still plugging away at it. Emails back and forth, phone call last evening. H eager to work on Retrouvaille method, we had a good first session and H wanting to do more questions. I'm still in 'detached' mode, not at all interested in resuming physical contact, not attached to having the relationship at all costs although of course would like it if it worked out. H really is a wonderful companion. "Getting along" was never a problem for us, that's why I wondered what it was that Retrouvaille would teach us.
I think I've figured out why 'we weren't ready for Retrouvaille'. This epiphany came for me today after journalling on the one thing that marred the H conversation for me, the one place where I reacted to something that H said with revulsion. I realize that H has not given up, and has no intention of giving up, the behaviors which led to his EMA -- his habit of 'deep sharing' and of 'giving emotional support' to women co-workers. It's almost like he can't give up these behaviors. He gets good feelings from being able to support others in this way, and those others are inevitably women, and those good feelings act to boost his chronic sense of low self-esteem (that's what he calls it, I call it 'depression')
Fortunately, the latest lucky recipient of H support is lesbian, but frankly, I'm not likely to put myself in a position where I have to rely on qualities of POWs to preserve my ongoing relationship with H. I'm beginning to think my emotional meltdowns were not related so much to being unable to forgive the EMA -- more like a defence mechanism protecting me from getting in too close to H when he's likely to develop another EMA as self-medication for depression. I sent him an email about this today. Stay tuned!
