Question for True Blue Piecers

[GoingForward]

Hi all. I'm still fairly new here but not to DBing. Been at it for 3 years now. Here's the link to my thread if anyone wishes to read it: Overwhelmed with uncertainty

Also, here is my most recent post to that thread:

So last night was a great example of what I meant when I said in an earlier post that it's just been too easy for H to leave whenever things get a little shaky between us. All he has to do is walk out. Too easy.

Well anyway, that was H calling last night. He called to let me know that he got my message, and he said he was sorry. H said, "I shouldn't have walked out like I did. I don't want to do that anymore, and I don't want to be so quick to fight with you."

I told H that I understood, and again, I wasn't trying to start anything with him. It was a thought in my head that slipped up, and I was sorry that it had.

H said he's aware of how he used to be and of the things he used to say regarding finances. H said while he still wants to be very sensible about money, he's not so uptight about it like he knew he was in the past. I always knew that and totally understood and respected his logic.

The finances are very different now from back when H was still living at home. During our S, H worked a couple of jobs, took many training courses (all of which he aced), and was easily hired by one of the oil refineries nearby. H now earns more than twice his salary of just 3 years ago. I'm really proud of him and have let him know a few times. He's come a long way.

H said, "You spend money." I repeated, "Yeah, I spend money." Then H said, "You spend it because it has to be spent. I understand that now. So if you have to buy the kids new shoes, or you want to get a $20 pedicure, you go ahead and do that, and don't feel guilty about it."

That helped and made me feel better, and I said thanks to H.

Then H said, "And I don't want a D. I don't want to get D'ed. I don't want it to happen." I didn't respond immediately, and then said ok.

H wished me a goodnight, and I did the same. Then we hung up.

My H says he doesn't want the D. He's never really said that before. It was always, "I want to try to work it out," or something like that.

My feelings at the moment - I'm nervous.

My question is this:

If this is the real deal this time, if my H genuinely wants to remain M'ed and moves back into the house, would it be too much for me to ask for certain things from him? For reassurance?

Let me explain: Trust is going to be the biggest issue for me. My H had an A which ended even before we S'ed back in summer '05. Been over that for a long time now, but H has lied, repeatedly, over the years about many things, and that's what hurts the most. He's hidden the truth from me. The one that bothers me the most is his most recent deception of having talked with current OW. H had promised not to talk to her again, but he did, and he did tell me about it when I asked. Said it was a mistake, and he was very sorry it happened.

This summary doesn't cover much, but if you'd like more details, it's all in my other thread which isn't very long.

Anyway, before H moved out back in '05, and while his A was going on and even after it was discovered, H would always turn off his cellphone when he came home. Wouldn't turn it back on until he was about to leave for work or wherever.

If H comes back, and he still exhibits this type of behavior, would it be wrong for me to ask that he leave the phone on? And even perhaps, if we're together, let me see for myself who is calling him by taking a look at the caller ID? I won't be on pins and needles about it every time his phone rings, but I would like to know. I think I deserve this little thing if it's going to help me believe my H again, which is what I truly want.

I have explained to H that I will need reassurance from time to time, and over time, it should gradually lessen. H said he understands and even said I didn't have to be sorry for feeling that way. He said I have every right.

Current OW has been calling H. She's called quite a bit, he didn't call her back for a while (basically tried sticking to his guns), then I don't know what happened. He caved, I guess, and talked to her. This lapse now has me worried that there's a chance she might call again.

Since H's words can't seem to get through to her, I'd like the opportunity to answer his phone should OW call again and calmly, maturely say something like, "Hello, (OW). What can I do for you?....This is (me), (H)'s W. What is the purpose of your call?.....I see. Well (H) is home now, and I believe it would be best if you weren't to call anymore. Should you decide to ignore this, I will take the appropriate steps to file charges of harassment. Do we understand each other?....Good. (I hope ) Goodbye to you."

Now I know that might not ever happen. H only said he didn't want the D and said nothing about moving back in with the kids and me, although that is one of my conditions for reconciliation.

So again, would the things I'm asking for, in an attempt to rebuild the trust, be too much?

I am not trying to "control" my H. After being on this ride for 3 years now, I am simply looking out for my own personal well-being.

Thanks for any and all advice you can give.

[appleroad]

Shirley Glass in her book "Not Just Friends" has quite a bit to say about your issue, you might want to read that book. She supports your position, BTW. But how to get from here to there is the problem!

[GoingForward]

Sweet! You also reminded me that I have an e-coupon for 40% off at Borders !

Thank you.

[GoingForward]

I'm already about halfway through the book. Found it very hard to put down last night and even this morning. Many points and observations in the book hit pretty close to home. I also like her ways of establishing safety in the M again, and her suggestion on how to handle unexpected encounters with OW, together, as a couple. What I will need to do, and H as well. If he and I get to that point, that is.

Great so far. Thanks again, appleroad!