Jeannette...thanks so much. You've been really great to me here. I want to thank you personally from the bottom of my heart for the time that you took to give me thoughts. I've read everything you wrote and took them to heart.

To My Friends

I have arrived at a deeply painful time in my sitch. As you all know, I tried valiantly for almost 2 years to save my marriage. I will never claim that I was the best DB'er here...nor would I ever want anyone here to think that I have heaped all the blame on my wife. It's just not true to think that either she or I was either faultless or totally blame.

However, I think it is time that I begin to rely on myself now to guide my family through this, even if I must steer us through the maelstrom to get to peaceful seas on the other side.

I need to take a break from here. Sometimes, I feel the posts pull me back to a 'fake place'...a place where reconciliation is always the reward to those who wait and DB forever. Although my W has shown some behavior which I would agree with everyone here..is kind or thoughtful....the feedback I am receiving is not the woman I am living with.

Many people perceive me recently as being 'punishing' or vindictive or angry. It is not. In fact, I have reached a place where I can spoon with my W if appropriate, and, tho' most people left this out...buy her flowers on Valentine's day...and do this without my past need to get a reaction from her or to fix our M. I can do it because I want to.

To Jeff...the bullets ARE just spectres now...they can't kill me.

Despite my W's recent (cough)..positive babysteps...(cough)...I cannot attribute them as such (or efforts to come back as some have coined). That little something that TiredHeart picked up...that bigger message that FaithfulH received...are just not here. I still must make a decision, at tremendous hurt to me and my family....what is least damaging. After being here for almost 2 years, listening to all of you, reading, etc....I find that nothing here has changed and my wife is still in a place where she is capable of hurting me and the children.

I need to take a break here and try and be a man on my own for awhile. I don't know if it will be one day...2 days..a week or six months....but I need to do this on my own now.

I'm not perfect..but..I've gotten better. I can guarantee my friends the following:
-I am not out to hurt my W
-I am not trying to punish my W
-I will never denigrate her to them
-I will listen to her
-I can spoon her if THIS helps her pain
-I am not angry...to her...I have vented to my friends
-I will do everything in my power to co-parent optimally with her
-that if she becomes enraged next week after receiving the legal complaint as is required here in the State of NY, that I will do as best I can as Deida would say..to be a 'superior man' in the storm of her anger and not let her reaction cause me to become angry myself

I know what it would take to risk the hurt of OM4...that little something that we all know is a ray of hope that says "I want this".

It's not here yet. Not sure if it ever will be. I WILL know it when/if I see it. But my kids need me now...now more than ever...and I will be there for them at everystep of the way.

Strength and Honor. God bless you for your unwavering patience,kindness and courage to stand with me when your OWN principles told you not to.

FIB

Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;