Status 2 - W friendlier but still very distant

[Lanzo]

Zzzzzzz..... it's very quiet in piecing.

Hey, if you do decide to throw the towel in no one will be able to accuse you of not trying. I for one think you put up a hell of a fight. Its been even tougher than trying to turn an oil tanker round single handedly.

I still think you got some fight left in you, its not time to give up yet.


Lan

PS

W has also said that she thinks I spend too much time on the computer, in her words "she can't get her head around it", she doesn't understand the need.

[Kalni]

Hi fb2,
I wasn't sure what's going on, what the papers meant. I can't validate or agree or urge or suggest you to do anything than what you really want but most importantly can.
As Michelle says, it's all very personal when you you get to that point.
BUT, if in your heart you are sensing there might me something different going on, that there could be a change of heart of any kind that might mean you have a very very slight chance, ESPECIALLY since you have tried so hard for so long, maybe you should back off emotionally and try to handle the legal staff keeping in the back of your mind your "scanners" on sensitive mode to see her reactions.
In your shoes (getting there soon) I wouldn't sign anything before a final talk with her. But that is just me talking...

I am here for you.
Kalni

[fb2]

Kalni, Lan:

BUT, if in your heart you are sensing there might me something different going on, that there could be a change of heart of any kind that might mean you have a very very slight

W has decidedly "cooled off"; the anger was used to justify the D in her mind. I wasn't sure the "cooling-off" was: (1) a result of my DBing or (2) W reaching a place where she's at peace with the D. My radar has been out for a while to pick up on this or any change of heart.

Tho' I learned not to react to her BS I think the cooling off is more due to the later reason. To be sure I allowed a long time friend (women) who filed D 10 years ago and reconciled 1.5 years later before the D was final. She contacted W by getting her phone# off the internet and offered to "help" in any way she could given her own experience. But my friend also did not sense ANY change of heart so the "cooling off" must indeed be more due to W being at peace with D. Since W mixes only with the pro-D cult (> 50% of the US population) this was bound to happen.

In your shoes (getting there soon) I wouldn't sign anything before a final talk with her.

I got a draft settlement a couple of days ago from my lawyer and actually read it last night. I have to say I don't like it for 2 reasons: (1) its forcing my hand (2) it gives W quite a bit more money than she legitimately should get. If I sign W wins and saving the M is out the window; if I don't it probably goes to court, W will be put to shame for her dishonesty and both loose money. But I will not sign until I've thought about it for a few more days; maybe talk with her (what do I say?); maybe suggest mediation as Kerry did (could be risky); maybe find a way to buy more time tho' all friends/family advise to get over with it and move on (nothing new).

I am here for you.

Thanks Kalni I'm not in a good place right now unfortunately. I hope you don't end up in my shoes (I want your family intact with you and H happy together) but I appreciate any support as it feels so lonely where I am.

[Kalni]

W has decidedly "cooled off"; the anger was used to justify the D in her mind. (1).... (2) W reaching a place where she's at peace with the D.

This is where I think I am fb2. He is just calm about the whole situation and accepts my friendly attitude beacuse he doesn't need to do anything anymore to "save face".

I am very lonely too. But that will change for both us, I promise...

xxxx
Kalni

[fb2]

I still think you got some fight left in you, its not time to give up yet.

I would feel more like fighting if I was convinced that my efforts were leading somewhere. Once that legal paper is filed it becomes extremely difficult. It would really help if there were some DB results/statistics compiled by Michelle & Staff of how many R's happened as a result of DBing in a given year when couples were: (1) living together, (2) separated, (3) divorce was filed, (4) PA/EA, etc. Otherwise we are all hanging in there, DBing and beating our heads against the wall against very heavy odds.

[fb2]

In your shoes (getting there soon) I wouldn't sign anything before a final talk with her.

I got a draft settlement a couple of days ago from my lawyer and actually read it last night. I have to say I don't like it for 2 reasons: (1) its forcing my hand (2) it gives W quite a bit more money than she legitimately should get. If I sign W wins and saving the M is out the window; if I don't it probably goes to court, W will be put to shame for her dishonesty and both loose money. But I will not sign until I've thought about it for a few more days; maybe talk with her (what do I say?); maybe suggest mediation as Kerry did (could be risky); maybe find a way to buy more time tho' all friends/family advise to get over with it and move on (nothing new).

W's been on a very loose rope for over 8 months now; her exam is today; the kids are with me this week; I've told my lawyer I'm not happy with the settlement proposal and asked her to wait a couple more weeks for me to think. I'm in a deep valley and hurting a lot on the inside like it or not. Meanwhile any suggestions for the "final talk"?

[Just_Me]

Meanwhile any suggestions for the "final talk"?

That depends. What is the goal of the "final talk"? Is it for you or to save what's left of your marriage? I'll answer either way after I say one other thing.

You asked about the stats on here. I doubt it could even be unearthed because so many people leave without saying what happened. From the experience of being here quite a while, I'd say the odds are pretty long. It's not based on fact, but I'd say the odds for women with walk-away husbands is better than that for men with WAWs. The odds are actually better, I think, for LBSes with cheating spouses, since when the affair dies, they start thinking about reconciliation. Best guess all told for success? 10% But when I look at the people who I once posted to, more than half, maybe even 2/3 of those people posted for a couple months, even up to six months, then disappeared. I'd have to assume that those people ended up divorced.

Anyway, about your original question. If this talk is solely about getting things off your chest, then you can say whatever it is you want. You can say you are hurt, disappointed, sad, angry, that you think things could be different, or whatever is on your mind because when you get to a certain point in all this, it isn't really possible to do much more harm. That would be just so you can feel better. Don't expect her to care what you have to say though.

If it's a last ditch effort to win her back then I think your talking points are much more limited. You can either let your actions speak for you and not have this "final talk", knowing it will probably not do you any good and may in fact push her even further away to the point she doesn't want to talk to you at all, or you could keep it simple. "This is not what I want, but I understand your reasons behind wanting a divorce. I only want to see you happy, so if this is what it takes for you to acheive that, then I have to let you go." You could indicate that you feel things could be different, but I'd be prepared for disbelief on her part. Seeing is believing. Were I you (and yes, I've been through this part), I'd probably just keep it simple without promises that things would be better if you tried again. Don't cry. Don't fuss. Don't beg.

[Kalni]

fb2,

I agree with Just_me. And I would add, not to say anything that you will be regretting later on. By that I mean, don't cross your personal boundaries, you moral principles, yourself. After going through all these incredibly painful situations, we all have to protect ourselves and respect what we have been standing for. I do not know if I explained it clearly but I can't do any better.

Take care
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kalni

[smith18]

I can tell you that both my W and I were happy with the mediator session. It sure could save you a boat load of money in legal fees, plus it can help to soften any hostilities that would arise from an all out fight through the courts.

I like what JustMe said about the odds being better for M's being saved when there is an A.

Are you really at peace with finalizing the D if you get a good settlement? Just be honest in your next talk (maybe not final) with your W on how you feel.

[fb2]

Were I you (and yes, I've been through this part), I'd probably just keep it simple without promises that things would be better if you tried again. Don't cry. Don't fuss. Don't beg.

And I would add, not to say anything that you will be regretting later on. By that I mean, don't cross your personal boundaries, you moral principles, yourself.

Are you really at peace with finalizing the D if you get a good settlement? Just be honest in your next talk (maybe not final) with your W on how you feel.

I absolutely agree - got to maintain my dignity and high moral ground all the way thru'; no backtracking on what I'm standing for even if I do not achieve my goal of saving the M. However, my taking the moral high ground sometimes frustrated W.

Just_Me, I read up a bit on your threads and looks like you went thru' the same phase I'm in now and have some regrets on how you handled it: what would you do differently if you had to go thru' it again given what you know now?

Kerry, as you suspect, I'm not at peace with the D and probably never will be tho' I won't express all my feelings to W on this. But I think that if I cab be humble and capable enough to admit his this to W in a dignified way it would be worth doing; look at your case for example.

At any rate I value all your input (i.e., thanks a ton); I have to hope for the best, prepare for the worst and arm myself with all the wisdom I can absorb.